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AIBU?

DH huffing and puffing

49 replies

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 18:18

Sorry if this is a bit long. Basically, my DH has a habit of huffing and puffing, eye rolling, tutting etc. whenever he perceives that I have 'done something wrong' and it is really, really winding me up.

So for example, just now his running gear was in the washing machine (where I put it - not washed, but ready to go on when there's a full load), rather than on the floor where he left it last night, so he couldn't find it. Cue lots of huffing and puffing. Other recent examples that have caused this reaction include me leaving lights on in rooms I'm not currently in and forgetting to lock the back door. I appreciate that I am by no means perfect and I probably wind him up in equal measure, but I wouldn't mind if he actually said something to me, it's the passive aggressive contempt that I can't stand. I don't know whether I'm overthinking this because I once read that contempt is the death of a marriage and this is making me sensitive to it. On the other hand it makes my blood boil and I'm struggling to keep my mouth shut.

So, my question is would I be unreasonable to say something to him about this. If not U, what do I say that won't cause an argument? Or do I just try to be less of a pain in the arse?!

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Ilovecaindingle · 10/01/2017 18:21

Practice a funky little ditty and sing it away to yourself to block out his grumpy old man crap!!

Ilovecaindingle · 10/01/2017 18:21

Maybe the tune to one foot in the grave?

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2017 18:22

I'd either ignore it totally (to piss him off) or tell him to grow the fuck up. Certainly I couldn't just live like that.

With my grown up pants on though, is it not possible to tackle this calmly with him when it's not actually happening?

nigelforgotthepassword · 10/01/2017 18:22

I would talk to him about it yes. It's super irritating at best and at worst suggests that he feels superior enough to you that he can shake his head and tut at you as if he is so much better and has the right to judge and find you wanting.
Incredibly patronising and demeaning when done constantly.
My ex used to do this. He still does it now in fact and it winds me up all the more, Except now of course i have the advantage of being able to tell him he can either stop it or leave my house immediately.

DJBaggySmalls · 10/01/2017 18:23

Its not unreasonable to object to this kind of passive aggressive posturing. There is nothing you can say that wont risk him causing a row but it will be him causing the row. not you asking him to act like a grown adult.

abbsisspartacus · 10/01/2017 18:23

Are you with my ex? 😆 he would huff and puff constantly

TheSparrowhawk · 10/01/2017 18:24

He's annoyed that you put his running gear in the washing machine for him??

Have you talked to him about this?

Janey50 · 10/01/2017 18:27

Watching this thread with interest as my DP is prone to huffing and puffing when he perceives me as having done something wrong. He says he is NOT huffing and puffing,he is taking a deep breath. Yeah right. Funny how it ALWAYS coincides with him getting uppity at me about something,real or imagined.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 10/01/2017 18:28

You can tell him that my response to him leaving his smelly running gear would be to stick it up his arse, not in the washing machine.
He should appreciate being married to someone nice not a mardy bastard like me

TheMysteriousJackelope · 10/01/2017 18:32

I would ask him 'Why are you making a noise like a rampaging dragon? Is something annoying you?'.

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 18:36

Wow, thank you everyone for your replies!

I haven't spoken to him about it, because I can't think of a way to address it that wouldn't end in an argument or, probably more likely, a flat out denial that he does it, which would make me furious. TBH, I think it is the feeling that he thinks he's 'better' than me that's upsetting me the most and I don't know if I'm capable of having a grown up conversation about it without tears/snapping at him. Oh dear.

He hasn't always been like this (we've been together 10 years) and I don't know what's causing it now. Fairly sure I've not got more irritating in my habits! It is worrying me - is it likely to get better? Or only worse...

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AgathaF · 10/01/2017 18:40

If you don't feel like a big conversation about it, how about just saying something at the time he does it. Something like 'quit with the passive aggressive crap. If you've something to say then say it'.

paxillin · 10/01/2017 18:44

when he starts, sing this:

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 18:59

I usually go with 'is everything ok?', said sweetly with a smile. Pretty sure this gets my point across, but means we've never dealt with it head on, as he'll just say he's fine.

Might have to go with the more direct approach as a couple of people have suggested and see what happens.

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Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 19:02

Lol at ilovecaindingle and paxillin. Maybe I should just lighten up a bit

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paxillin · 10/01/2017 19:07

I am married to a huffer and puffer, too. I just say "you're huffing again about something?" What, huffing, me, never. "Good." Then ignore.

Pettywoman · 10/01/2017 20:00

Does he work for HMRC tax credits phone line OP? I got an extremely unhelpful huffy, puffy, deep sigh bloke when I rang up. I nearly said 'I can hear you you rude bastard' but didn't and called back instead and got someone else who fixed my problem in seconds.

ITCouldBeWorse · 10/01/2017 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameDeDoubtance · 10/01/2017 20:06

Also next time he drops his clothes on the floor tell him to pick them up!

JapaneseTea · 10/01/2017 20:23

How about trying to record the huffing so you can play it back and ask what all the fuss is about. That will make it more fun and you probably won't care.

Maybe he's just got into bad habits. Can you puff and huff at him back and have a laugh? If not then maybe it is a sign of something more serious?

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 20:26

pettywoman no he'a not one of her majestey's finest taxmen, but it sounds like he's fit right in. Bloody infuriating

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Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 20:28

dame that would require a very serious personality overhaul for DH

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DameDeDoubtance · 10/01/2017 20:30

Sounds like the huffing is just the tip of the iceberg.

Treysanatomy · 10/01/2017 20:33

My husband does this sometimes.

I just tell him to fuck off.

Squishmitten · 10/01/2017 20:35

Honestly I think I find it too upsetting to make light of it. Think I'll try paxillin's suggestion for starters and work up to something more confrontational if necessary.

I have to say it has been really helpful just to post here and hear that I am neither unreasonable nor alone, so thank you all. My condolences to everyone else who is suffering with a huffer puffer.

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