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AIBU?

To want more support?!

49 replies

Tiredmummy79 · 09/01/2017 17:04

I'm posting here because I think I'll get the most honest responses.

I have a 6 week old baby. I adore her and for the most part she's quite easy. I also have a very nice life. I'm a SAHM and I won't need to go back to work. DP works from home, and is in his office from 9am-7pm. I look after DD all the time.

Before she was born, DP suggested that he would look after her for a few hours in the morning while he worked as I would do all the night feeds. This didn't happen, which I wasn't too bothered about as I enjoy looking after her. At the beginning DP would do the last feed in the evening so I could go to bed early or he would do the 1st feed in the morning so I could get a couple of extra hours sleep. That doesn't happen anymore. Last time I asked if I could go to bed early, we had a row because he didn't want to look after DD after he'd been working all day as he wanted to relax. He also gets 9 hours sleep a night and won't get up before 8.45.

Some days she'll sleep and feed on and off all day, so I can get cleaning and washing done etc.. some days she'll be awake for 6 or 7 hours during the day, crying on and off all day. She wakes twice a night for feeds and she is a very noisy sleeper (as is DP!) I average about 2 hours unbroken sleep at a time.

Part of me thinks I should just suck it up and get on with it as it's my job and all part of being a mother and part of me thinks DP could do more to help me. We don't have any other support.

So....aibu to feel like this?

OP posts:

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timeforabrewnow · 09/01/2017 17:06

YANBU

2 hours sleep sounds v. bad

Strongmummy · 09/01/2017 17:09

What happens at the weekend? He can't just demand he relaxes after his days' work is done. What does he think you've been doing all day?! You do need more support. Can you afford a cleaner to help out?

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 09/01/2017 17:10

Yanbu. When do you get to relax? I would be asking him this. You're working all day looking after his child.

Does he see himself as the lord high and mighty working person who gets to do fuck all any other time because he's earning? Sod that. He has a baby and she needs parenting from both of you. It's not optional.

user1476869312 · 09/01/2017 17:11

YANBU at all. Is this man a heart surgeon or an airline pilot or something? If lives depend on him being alert and focussed then it's reasonable for him to need unbroken sleep, but if he's just a bog-standard cubicle mouse then he is having an easier day than you are - he can go to the bog when he wants, read the paper in peace, eat his lunch uninterrupted, etc. DD is his child, too, so he needs to be doing his share of the work, which should include at least one last feed/first feed. He should also be looking after her for an hour or two at the weekend so you can rest/go out and do something enjoyable.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 09/01/2017 17:12

he didn't want to look after DD after he'd been working all day

So the novelty has worn off.

Tough.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 09/01/2017 17:16

YANBU.

I understand that whilst he is working (9-7) then that should be his focus.

Afterwards and and weekends however he needs to step up.

imjessie · 09/01/2017 17:19

I'm a sahm , I always did all the night feeds and I do the childcare , cleaning and cooking while my dh works . I personally think this is fair . Having a small baby is very tiring but I just rested when I could .

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 09/01/2017 17:23

Yes but when you're both home you both get on with it. Else one parent works 24/7, which is hardly fair. Why should one parent get to relax when the other is on their knees with exhaustion?

mum2Bomg · 09/01/2017 17:27

My DD is five weeks old and DH is doing the last feed at night and also baths etc when he gets home and cooking. I think what you're asking is perfectly fair, especially as he has zero commute.

Personally, the fact that he says he doesn't want to look after her would upset me the most.

Broken sleep is a killer! I'm on an avg of about 1.5hrs unbroken sleep at the moment as even though DH helps, I always hear her every squeak.

mum2Bomg · 09/01/2017 17:27

By last feed I mean 2am btw!

LosAngeles444 · 09/01/2017 17:30

I don't believe mums should sacrifice themselves on the altar of martyrdom here. I have DS 6 months old who was a tough baby when he was a newborn. DH totally stepped up when he could see how I was struggling on very little sleep. When your DH is at home after work, he needs to take on the role of being a dad, even though looking after a little one is tiring.

If you don't speak up now then the cumulative effect of very little sleep will catch up with you and it's not good. Trust me. Get help now. Tell him in no uncertain terms you're not a doormat and you need his help. Step up man.

Tiredmummy79 · 09/01/2017 17:32

DP has 2 other DC and we have them every other weekend. It was his relationship with them that make me certain that I wanted to have a baby with him. He is a bit Disney dad but he is also a very good dad. On the weekends we don't have DSCs he does do more with DD, but he won't get up early!

I'm desperate to go to the gym as I've lost all my confidence and have about 2 stone to lose....DP previously said he would have DD during the day so I could do that, but because of his workload, that's not an option at the moment.

I'm considering using a childminder for a few hours a week, but I think DD is too young at the moment and I really don't want people to think I can't cope.

OP posts:

imjessie · 09/01/2017 17:50

I guess because they need to recover to do their job which for my dh is very demanding . It was my rules not my dh so if the OP isn't happy yes she should speak up .

JsOtherHalf · 09/01/2017 17:52

DH did overnights on Friday and Saturday nights around this stage, as I was beyond exhausted.

witsender · 09/01/2017 17:53

When he's not at work all responsibility is 50/50. He's being hugely unfair...6 wks old is practically a newborn so it should be all hands on deck.

StarlingMurderation · 09/01/2017 18:05

If he wanted to relax after work, he shouldn't have had a baby, basically. YANBU. Yes, you're on maternity leave, yes, it's your job to look after the baby when he's a work. But once he gets home/stops work, he should be sharing all the baby related tasks. It sounds like you're mix feeding so he should definitely help with the feeds at night too. I'm not sure from your OP, but does he actually work from home? In which case he doesn't even have the excuse of needing to sleep well so he's awake for a long commute, and nor is he a surgeon or a airline pilot - so he should be bloody pulling his weight at home. It drives me absolutely wild that some men feel like their cosy peaceful lives should continue uninterrupted after they've had a baby while their wife's life has basically imploded - even with an easy baby!

Tiredmummy79 · 09/01/2017 18:06

Thank you all for your support. I hate feeling sorry for myself, like I am at the moment, but I'm relieved others think that I have a point.

OP posts:

LosAngeles444 · 09/01/2017 18:09

For your sanity, I would get someone to mind the baby for a few hours whilst you go to the gym / have a life of your own. Nothing to do with other people. That was the advice I got from my own mum and she was right. Going to the gym made me feel less tired, more confident and has been a complete sanity saver.

LosAngeles444 · 09/01/2017 18:13

What job does DP do? Assuming he's not a doctor or long distance lorry driver or any other profession that requires 100% focus at all times, then he has no excuse in my book. My DH has a very high profile job and high levels of stress yet he still helped me with night feeds when I was struggling. And he also cooked for himself when he got home when DS was a newborn. Good luck OP!!!

StarlingMurderation · 09/01/2017 18:13

Just reread the OP and you do actually say he works from home, sorry I missed that!

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 09/01/2017 18:19

It's your job to look after her whilst he is at work.

I would ask him why he thinks it's ok for him to get a lie in and not for you, especially when you aren't getting more than two hours sleep. He sounds very selfish.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 09/01/2017 18:21

More than two hours at a time, I meant.

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Tiredmummy79 · 09/01/2017 18:24

DP is self employed and runs 2 companies so he is on the phone all day. He still manages to find the time to get out of the house if there's something he needs to do I need to make more of an effort to go out with DD, but I am always so knackered, and have visions of me failing miserably at navigating doors and steps with a pram!

OP posts:

Tiredmummy79 · 09/01/2017 18:28

Yohoho - He is selfish at times. He is also very emotionally cold...he is a loving partner and generous to a fault in certain circumstances, but will ignore me or leave the room if I'm upset because he doesn't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 09/01/2017 18:32

Simple. You go to gym at 7.30 am and he looks after baby then get back for 9am for him to start work - walk out the door and leave monitor on his chest

I wouldn't expect him to look after the baby during the day but in would expect him to take over at say 7.30pm and do the last feed.

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