To be so bloody confused? (Cheating)(29 Posts)
Posting here for traffic and I want to hear opinions on this very confusing situ. It may be mental health/PTSD related.
Ex cheated (found out NY day)
Since then we have talked a number of times for several hours. I'll admit I am no longer angry at him my gut is telling me not to be. but I'm confused as fuck. Cause his actions do not fit typical cheating been there done that and saw my step dad do it.
Throughout the last 9mths he had an affair. The other woman who is essentially me with 1 DC the same age/sex as mine. Friend said we look alike. Similar likes too. This might be important.
When I found out about the affair ex was clearly - and I'm not making excuses for him - convinced we had separated to the point of going round in circles repeating the same line over and over again and believing it even with the evidence I provided. Almost delusional. He wasn't lying in the sense he honestly believed the truth he'd created. This went on for several hours and he then broke into a heap and shut down for 3days. (His friends confirm this)
He has admitted to having big chunks of perfect clarity and complete blurs of time over the last year and can't remember things with me that did happen even with photographic prooof but recalls others with perfect pinpoint accuracy inc what I wore where we went etc. He doesn't remember when we bought something specific even though HE shared this on social media.
He continued to do the usual things a partner would do. Sex wasn't weird or distant contact was daily and huge (4K messages back and forth from Nov-Dec for e.g.) nothing in those messages or phone calls. We made and worked through big plans - me moving house, marriage - he's talked to me about this post revelations and he sincerely didn't know I was moving. Thought I was joking about the marriage even though I said where I'd like to go! That's just one example. He's confused. I've known him years and these last 12 myths he has been depressed but loving and caring. His wife(not together at all) agrees and she too pulled back because he was living In the past. This may have triggered something because his wife is an unresolved trauma.
He make up some huge, absolutely convincing lies. The other woman confirmed these were lies and he'd lied to her too.
Still, we've talked me and the ex. I've asked to send his stuff back. He's asked me to wait. I asked why and if he wants it posted later or to collect it. He didn't respond. Properly clammed up.
I've asked for my keys back since Nov. Unrelated reasons. He still hasn't done it and can't answer me why he's keeping hold of them. He can't answer when he 'fell out of love' I don't fully believe he did from phone calls, visits etc. We have a connection still that's not normal. We laughed and joked and cried during a recent post affair convo.
The other woman is out of the picture now.
He's created 3 separate lives with 3 women and 3 separate groups of friends that have recently started to overlap and of course I was the one to force all 3 worlds together rather abruptly.
He has been living them all as though each was/is real and kept them separate but didn't hide them well at all. So easy to find!
Now, there is more I can't and won't go into specifics about and it's not as black and white as my previous posts. Am I mad and over thinking this and he's some love rat slimeball or is this serious mental health related stuff?
I can confirm there has been 3 major periods of trauma surrounding deaths, loss and Undealt with grief and known PTSD from major trauma 2. Major trauma 3 also coincided with big anniversary of trauma 2 and the case into trauma 1 was reopened months before the affair began and around same time wife pulled back and pushed for divorce to hurry up plus a redundancy that wasn't done properly/fairly. Again confirmed by others close to him and himself. All these have rolled around not actually being dealt with.
Our 'break up' wasn't exactly typical either. Yes I ranted, screamed at him (not helpful if PTSD I'll admit) but he kept telling me 'you don't want me. You're amazing, you don't deserve me'. He never cut the cord and Never did meeting the other woman and believe me our situ would be easy to do the whole block, run hide thing but he didn't. It was a mission to meet and spend weekends together and he still put that effort in. Not by a long shot and there were house moves and job changes he told me about!?
I don't need anyone to tell me not to get back with him it's my choice either way. I love him and still care deeply and those feelings are not going away any time soon not until I know he's a) OK and B) not a suicide risk C) in therapy. I just want honest opinions on this situ and am I right to be so bloody confused now I've dug into it much much more in my search for answers. does this look like one majorly screwed up man in need of support and understanding or just a firm kick to the bollocks? I want to do both.
i'd be seriously thinking about leaving this relationship, 'blurred thinking' / can't remember ? but puts stuff on fb ? do you really need this rubbish in your life ? you love him and it's your choice but in the long term, you might be happier away from him.
he needs to be responsible for his own well being and not be emotionally blackmailing you into staying because you feel sorry for him.
you want honest opinions, you'll get then on here, just don't get upset with posters if they say stuff you might not like though other wise there is no point asking for 'honest opinions'.
How long was you with him? Is your DC his?
I can't see how you could justify his unfaithfulness - but it seems like you are looking to do that so you can stay with him. Whichever way you dress it up, he cheated on you. And I reckon a healthy dose of gaslighting too. Not really a great way to live your life is it?
I don't know what his MH PTSD-related issues or traumas are but firstly;
It is his job to resolve them. You do not owe him anything.
Could he have DID?
I have DID and one of my alters still cares very deeply for one of my exes. Several still think 'things' are going on with our abusers. Before, when very dissociative and unaware, not everyone knew we were seeing OH. We weren't lying, there was just an amnesiac barrier.
He would have been within his rights to break up with me, and in fact most healthy people would and should.
When one of our abusers asked us to send photos etc again, the part accustomed to obeying did so. OH found out, confronted me, I was so confused. There are still things I don't know about in the past.
But I've accepted, got help, worked on it and know nothing like this will happen again. With couples counselling and therapy for the trauma things in our family are better than ever.
If this is anything like your situation- he has to make the choice to do what's right, and you also can make the choice whether you want to stay with him through the work. You have no obligation.
He's messing you around full stop. He's feeding everyone lies and he sounds like he should win a fucking oscar for all his drama and acting. Get the fuck away from him.
Not his DC. 3.5yrs known him. 2.5yrs together. Only the last year have things been this way.
pipsqueak I've had him sat in front of me totally confused and honestly cannot remember things we did the day before let alone weeks ago. I'm not dismissing he could still be lying. I am aware of that possibility. And yes I want honest answers because either I need to be told to fuck him right off or to back away whilst he heals then come back.
I'm asking here because my friends have met him and read/seen all the messages and convos and are as torn as I am. They are in as much shock as I am.
Then I think you need your key back and to not expose your DC to this man. Either way he's cheated on you and it doesn't sound very good at all.
I don't know, it sounds very suspicious. He lies, doesn't answer your questions. Is he confused only when it is in his interest to be so or for other unrelated stuff too?
Oh he is away from us right now. Physically away and DC is protected from this. house is safe when I'm in it.
Other unrelated things too. Memory blanks at work and with friends.
rixera PTSD is to do with a life threatening horrific even. Lots of people died. That's all I can say. I shall have a think about dissassociation. The was a thing I was wondering about but didn't want to mention in my OP for obvs reasons.
Ex is seeking help and keeping everyone at arms length right now. He's not allowing anyone come near. He has shut down social media (I've checked) and cut off a number of friends. This I believe and know to be true.
his actions do not fit typical cheating
Cheating involves getting involved with someone else, outside your relationship. Whether there is confusion, blurred thinking, whatever, when you take it back to what cheating is, there you have it.
Honestly, please don't waste energy tying yourself in knots and being convinced that you are confused. If your gut tells you "this is all wrong, wrong, wrong" you can bet it is.
Please focus on the reality, because if you minimise or excuse another adult's bad behaviour and choices, you are burdening yourself with their shit.
Move away. It all sounds exhausting!
Memory loss could be alcohol or drug abuse. Sorry, not much else helpful to offer, it does sound confusing as well as exhausting. Tbh though I wouldn't be wasting time trying to figure it out though. Step away, for the sake of your own sanity.
Yes stepping back. That I am doing. It's driving me mad I'll admit!
you say you love him but you seem to be feeding off the thing of being needed, this is a destructive situation all round. this guy might need medical help and it is up to him to get it, you can't fix him and he is not your project to do so. tbh, a lot of this sounds like drama for the sake of it, your first post some is similar to that to a friend of my dd, [dd has told me as she is worried about her friend] and i know she posts on here.
You could think about this and come up with theories and diagnoses and scenarios forever more, you will drive yourself crazy if you follow this path.
Upshot is, he cheated on you.
I can sense your desperation that he's "unwell" and that he'll "recover" and come back to you all ready to commit and work on your relationship.
Disabuse yourself of that notion. Personally I think you'll be waiting and wasting a huge portion of your life doing so.
If he really does have DID or some kind of dissociative disorder, it's really not as clear cut as 'drama', or lying to get out of the consequences of cheating...
But don't worry about tiptoeing around the issue to avoid upsetting him, you have a right to be heard and he needs to know how destructive his behaviour is if he wants to change it.
Only you can know if he is worth it, OP. Because it may be work, but if you love him and can see a future with him and he is willing to put the effort in (and prove it by seeking therapy, learning grounding techniques) then you're also no lesser a person for doing that. Or even stepping back, prompting him to get help, and reconnecting down the line when he is more healthy?
It doesn't need to be black and white.
You're missing the point entirely. Whether he's mentally ill or a scum bag is entirely irrelevant. He made you feel awful, you don't need that in your life, so cut ties and run.
you could wait an age for him to "get well", only for him to decide once well that actually, he wants to get back with his wife or the other-other woman.
Yes I'm very aware of that. That he might choose the others. Very aware.
I've just been in utter turmoil these last few days and people have given me pieces to what is very erratic and self destructive behaviour.
i wouldn't ever get back with him unless he has been through the right therapy alone and wed have to have therapy together and I'm very aware those two couldn't happen at the same time and time would probably be too long to effectively repair the damage for either of us. We'd also have to start over and we'll... that's going to be very hard and I don't think I cued do it.
I know I need to deal with my issues on this and I'm doing so alone.
I just needed people to be brutal about what this is and you're right he hurt me so much but this, I'll be honest here, didn't hurt as much as learning he was still married but separated. That's the one that broke my heart and perhaps it never healed after that and why I'm feeling like this.
I'll do my therapy and reevaluate when I can talk through some of the more ifentifying specifics going on with a therapist and its effect on me.
But rest assured right now I'm single and DC isn't being told anything other than necessary.
To be honest OP you really need to be in a strong place mentally to cope with being in a relationship with someone who has DID. It's not an easy relationship to be in and if you are only 6 months in and things are getting this messy and complicated then it might be easier to walk away now before things become more complicated than they already are. I know it is hard when you love someone. You are effectively just finding out about his personality disorder (and it sounds like he is too). My best advice would be to take a step back and see what happens. Your Ex sounds like he needs some time and space to work through his mental health issues and you need to work out what you want. The cheating would be a deal breaker for a lot of people but others might accept and work through it. What is your gut telling you?
From what you have posted my first thought was your ex had DID (before you even mention it).
I was in a relationship for 3 years with someone who had DID. I would say he had 2 main personalities/ personas (not sure whats the correct term) but all in all he said there were 7. I only ever met 5. Sometimes it took a while to realise who I was talking to but other times it was easy to tell from looking at his eyes. It's hard to explain.
Anyway long story short, he got to a place of self destruction and would take stupid amounts of (illegal) drugs to keep certain personas at bay (or locked in his cage as he put it). I eventually had to walk away because I could no longer watch him try to overdose to the point of almost killing himself on a regular basis and then switch back to the other him as if nothing had happened. At the time he didn't want help, he wouldn't go to the Dr, he had meds he refused to take - although I do understand to an extent why he wouldn't go to the Dr as he was mis diognosed as having schizophrenia for years. He though he could handle it on his own but clearly he couldn't.
Anyway that was years ago and I have spoken to him recently and as far as I can see he's now back on track. He appears have his life in order again and is back on his medications and stopped the drugs. He still has the 2 main personalities - I know because they each have their own Facebook account and will sometimes have conversations with each other but the 'original' him is more dominant now. Still glad I walked away when I did though as it really wasn't a healthy relationship.
Sorry that was a bit long and now this post will totally out me if any of my friends ever read it.
ThanksForAllTheFish yes I have been thinking that since another mentioned it.
He has said, without any prompting from me, he thinks he had some kind of mental break hence believing we'd broken up and now, I said we are talking, he's opened up about things he can remember recently. He still can't remember some things though.
I know PTSD and other mental health conditions can cause blurry memories and coupled with depression convince people they're not wanted/loved and have broken up etc. Been there myself.
He confessed he doesn't know how he feels because feelings are overlapping now whereas before the were distinct per person. He's told me his head is a complete mess and he's working through it. He never wanted to hurt DC or us but obviously he did.
I have not stopped telling him what he has done. Told him last night DC has been making comments about not wanting to live and 'I might as well just die'. DC is seeing a specialist. I have that under control. DC isn't being ignored.
I'm getting my head around it better today. Everyone I've spoken to has said the mental drain on him keeping 3 lives like this. Even in small doses must've been huge. Even though he's still a cunt i agreee it must've been. He didn't slip up per se but having thought about it there was overlap where he mentioned going to X place and that we should go to X place and it turns out he took the other woman or the wife to X place.
I dig. I dig deeply and I'm uncovering some things that still don't add up.
Let's just say this am my thoughts are very different to how they were yesterday and I need to keep talking about this. It's giving me answers.
Still love and care for him? Yes. Can I see a future? He's too messed up for anyone.
I am confused.
Are you together or not?
It either sounds like he is a lying shit or he is having some sort of mental breakdown.
I am also confused about 'telling him what he has done'. Do the kids know he cheatrd? Why have they been involved?
Ignore me. It only showed me the first post. Will read the rest.
Your overthinking it. He's a married man who has affairs, you were one of his OW. Get your locks changed, block him on phone etc and send his stuff to him.
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