Not trying to feel sorry for myself, I'm at the end of my tether with DS. He has HFA. He's 12, well into puberty, voice breaking etc. He's taller than me now. We've not had the easiest year, DH was very ill an nearly died in the summer. Thankfully he's well now, DS has started secondary school which was always going to be very difficult and it has been. Up until recently, DS and I usually got on well, I felt I was on the same page as him but over the last few months, he's so rude to me. Serious attitude and really nasty. He called dd a fucker the other day, whereas a couple of months ago he really hated swearing. Obviously I had words with him, I usually confiscate he tablet but even that doesn't touch him anymore. He's self harmed - split his own lip, keeps reopening the wound and he's bitten his arms. I've reported this to the SENCO and taken him to our GP. CAHMS won't see him as they're overloaded!! Obviously, I realise he's had a lot to deal with and that his hormones are raging (which he hates) but I just don't know what to do now, I feel weary of it all. He doesn't listen to anything I say anymore, so I can't get through to him. And it's so overwhelming sometimes dd seems to get forgotten when she puts up with so much from ds. How do I start to get through this? I feel like I've failed him.
AIBU?
Didn't want to read and run, 
to you you're doing an amazing job. Hopefully someone will be along soon with more useful advice but until then, unmumsnetty hugs from me.
I have an NT 13 year old and his mood swings are bad enough. I agree with the pick your battles. One thing I've noticed is how emotionally vulnerable DS1 is.
Can you have a set of consistent rules and consequences e.g. if he starts swearing at you; you walk away or refuse to converse if you can't walk away.
Can you book out some Mum and Daughter time each week for your DD?
Be kind to yourself it's a tough time and you sound like you are coping remarkably well
I've been into school a few times. He's golden in school. They think I've lost the plot I'm sure. They don't recognise the behaviour I describe at all. They've told me I'm interferring and to back off. He won't go to bed at night, still awake way past midnight, won't get up in the morning, everything I speak to him about usually results in a mouthful of abuse back. DH does struggle with DS more so than I do. His obsessions are so strong and I feel it's holding him back but I can't do anything about that. I've posted in SN but I got very few replies!! I know there isn't a magic answer really. I feel like running away 
He's actually very clingy with me. I'm so used to his outbursts now but I see other raise an eyebrow when he goes off on one. Dd is 8. She a really good girl, she has an inset day this week when DS is back at school, we're having a girls shopping day 
One of my little sisters was like this,
She was sent to a boarding school and it really helped. I'm not sure if that would be an Option.
I don't really know what to say. But I want to send you a big hug.
Well done for staying! I think teens look and sound old, but they can be as vulnerable and lost as toddlers inside. Got no great ideas for altering behaviours, but do know that there's a lot of transference in behaviours. His fear of your DH being ill and worries for how it will turn out for everyone, could lead to the acting out. It's common in a family that's had a big stress,like illness for the focus to be transferred to another member when the crisis is over. I also think that in these misogynistic times, the boys and men are given licence to be complete *s and the girls are opting out.
Only thing I can suggest is compassion and gentle strictnesses and praise for anything for him(being nice, clearing up, helping, getting a good grade). Even if he's sarcastic to praise, keep it positive. Sneak him out for a burger on his own for one on one time and encourage DH to do the same. And compassion and kindnesses for yourself and DH. Hope his health continues well.
Thanks for all your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time out for me. Yes, school really said that, his keyworker in an e mail to me, so that 'relationship' is now fractured to say the least. She told DS that I wa worrying too much and that my anxiety was making him worse. ASD is so overwhelming sometimes even when it's HFA.
I wish I had some answers, OP. My DS is 14 and going through exactly the same. Hormones raging, won't listen to a single word I say, in the last few months he's dislocated my wrist, given me a concussion and more bruises than I can count. CAMHs are pointless, we've spent 2 years on the waiting list already and are nowhere near getting an appointment, no overnight respite services. He gets direct payments which we pay for a career for a few hours a week but that's spent making sure my other DC have done homework/reading/had a little time to play without him around.
It's so hard, support is desperately lacking everywhere at the moment and families are really suffering.
its a very hard job. Try to have some strategies in mind that will keep things as calm as possible - like 5 mins fresh air, melatonin for sleep or a drowsy antihistamine to take the edge off ( DS, not you!) The cold shoulder can work with the swearing but if it's all ' cry for help' behaviour then try to get as much help as possible from social worker, NAS, support on line and any expertise you can find. Ask him to be patient while you try to help him. It's a long road - well done getting this far!
I'd do anything for him and dd and whilst I said I felt like running, I never would actually do it. I know they need me. DS has been identified as being exceptionally talented at golf so he now has golf lessons but he's not bothered really, he's just into gaming. It's so frustrating as he's bright, I've tried loads with him - martial arts, hockey, running (he's sporty) he was player of the week in hockey two weeks running within the first month of going. He's just not arsed though. Thanks for your replies, I know there's no magic wand, I've just got to keep going
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.