Just how unreasonable am I being?(18 Posts)
OK we live abroad, this is our 3rd year here. 1st year we went back and had basically a normal Christmas in the UK. 2 lots of birthdays and Christmas since and DC have not had so much as a card from their Aunts. I have always sent something for both Christmas and birthdays for their children. Now I'm not actually too bothered not that DC no longer get anything, we decided to move etc and I will continue to send gifts regardless, that's my choice.
This year I have 3 lots of Aunts asking me how to send money over and can I get X Y and Z from them for DC for Christmas, in time for Christmas. OK no problem, walked them through how to do it, I have their budget and their respective lists. I have tried to space out all the things I still have to do, so that I can slot in their shopping. Here shops shut midday Christmas eve, so I have 2 and a half days left. I have asked the people in question how things are going. I have said let me know when they have done the transfer and if need be I will buy these things out of my own money while the transfer goes through. I haven't had a single reply for over a week now.
Is it me, or is this just rude? I don't mind if something has changed and they no longer can afford it or something, but they are just leaving me hanging with less and less time left if they do want me to get things.
I shouldn't rush to buy these things before Christmas. Your DC haven't had presents from them in other years so it's not as if they will know any difference. Maybe I am being unfair to the aunts but I would definitely want to see that the money had actually been transferred before spending it too. What has made them suddenly decide to send presents now anyway?
I don't think you ABU. Sounds a bit of a pain in the a** as they are not really making the effort. Seems kind of half-hearted. But if DCs are used to not receiving anything anyway, I'd just leave it.
If they transfer the money in time great. If they don't, you say thanks but too late for you to buy the things so would they like a) for you to just give the DCs the money instead or b) to go out after Xmas and buy the exact things they wanted, but dcs will have it late.
And didn't I didn't answer your AIBU. Yes they are being a bit rude to specify at such short notice what they expect you to spend the money on, most people don't have much spare time this close to Christmas to be able to spend time tracking down items. Much easier to let the DC be able to choose how they spend the money themselves or if they are too young for that then you should have the choice on what is bought.
I think I'm getting more stressed at the prospect that I'm being unreasonable, and getting grumpy about it all. So quite relieved it's not just me.
I don't know what has changed to be honest, I've not complained about the lack thereof previously. If DC get something/anything from someone that's wonderful but it's not an expectation. DH and I the last couple of years have maybe bought a few more presents than we would have normally, but on the flip side DCs grandparents now send a huge amount of money for birthdays and Christmas because they don't get to buy those silly little things all year round and like seeing their little faces when they get a 'wow' present. It all balances out.
Yes pps are right-don't stress. Just leave it for now, like you say, your DCs are used to no presents from them. And if the money does come through-well, a late present can be a nice surprise. Happy Christmas
If they want you to do this favour for them, they need to not inconvenience you.
Don't bother chasing them any more, and don't spend your own money up front. They can't complain without coming across as entitled.
Don't stress about it. You don't need to do anything. If they don't send the money in time, don't buy the gifts. If it arrives late then take the DCs shopping in the sales and they can write/call/email with a thank you for the sales shopping money and tell the aunts what they have bought.
If it never arrives then forget about it, nothing has changed. But no YANBU that it's rude.
Well all in all, one came through in the end with an apology for doing it wrong the first time. The other two have blanked us, refusing to speak to us when we spoke to everyone on Christmas day, and we have received no money, explanation or anything. I can see our visit over there soon being very awkward.
Sugarplum, I know how you feel. We live abroad from my family. The first year my mother 'got the dates mixed up' (for Christmas?). Ok ish since then until last year we received a PayPal transfer in February (for the Christmas before!) to the wrong email address! This most recent Christmas, despite being asked for and sending amazon wishlists twice, we have received nothing again. I am now no longer expecting anything. On Christmas the children said thank you to their grandma who had to admit to their faces that she hadn't sent anything yet. That was embarrassing for everyone, especially as the other grandchildren were also on the call.
My point being, it is hard when you are overseas and as much as we may want it, we cannot expect close family relations like the ones between those who are still living there.
I must point out that the children were not prompted to say thank you! They said it off their own initiative as we Skype the family and say thank you as a matter of tradition and they had just spoken to my father and sisters, and thanke them. They knew they had received nothing from her, and were ok with that, they were just trying to be polite (ASD)
Tudor the thing that bothers me is we don't ask for anything, don't expect anything, they make an offer, not even an offer, they tell us they're going to do something which we are grateful for, but then don't follow through and then blank us like we've done something wrong.
Yes, sorry, I did understand that, we got told as well.
Well at least it's not just an us thing, somehow that is reassuring tudor
Ohh, you naughty people! How dare you move away and inconvenience them so they end up feeling guilty! You should have been ashamed to show your faces on skype on Christmas Day.
(more seriously: do you have to see them when you visit? Maybe they will try to get out of it, too, by having other commitments...?)
My point being, it is hard when you are overseas and as much as we may want it, we cannot expect close family relations like the ones between those who are still living there. sad
Yes you bloody well can. I'm sorry but your families have been rubbish. My DSis lives in Oz and has done for years. I have never met my DNs. I send a box of gifts every Christmas via courier. My parents are less savvy so they buy and wrap their gifts and I arrange the delivery for them. We do this in November so that we can post in time. Christmas is on the same day each year, no excuse to forget. Same for birthdays (although smaller packages as just one birthday at a time as opposed to people at once so we all send our own via Royal Mail). We Skype. We group chat most days and exchange photos constantly. I know what my Nieces have been doing today. We are close, just not physically. DSis does the same for us. Little packages arrive at birthday times for my DC and a box of treats at Christmas for us all. It is expensive and time consuming and requires organisation but you need to show family you care!
Potato, yes I skype and have neices I've I have never met, but would consider myself close to my sisters and we all send packages for birthdays and Christmas. I was referring specifically to my mother, who is closer to my nieces and nephews and forgets my children and the OP's family.
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