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AIBU?

In laws and Visits

42 replies

user1480458852 · 29/11/2016 22:47

Hello

Just after some advice.

Background - My In Laws are obsessed with our nearly 7 month old baby (1st Grandchild) they never ask about me or my husband all they are interested in is our baby. I quickly realised I was an incubator for the grandchild - which is fine! They invite us to their house and if we have other plans they seem annoyed. We have very busy life's but always try and see them once or twice a month.

Since my baby was born they have visited our house on a few occasions maybe 2 times, once when my baby was born and then at a later date. They always expect us to go to their house which is about an hour and half drive. I'm exhausted, my baby doesn't sleep through the night and during the day she is a stickler for routine and naps. Without naps she is very grumpy. All of this is making these trips to the In laws difficult as our baby can't sleep at their house, the routine goes to pot and they are so full on with her at times it's too overwhelming for my baby and me. My baby likes being outside getting fresh air but the in laws just sit in doors all day so this makes my baby even more agitated and grumpy. I feel bad but visiting them is hard work.

Is it wrong that I feel they should be visiting us more at our house instead of us going to theirs? It's hard going out and about when your exhausted too. Do you think all they are interested in is seeing the baby and are not thinking about me and my husband and how exhausted we are making these trips to their house? They never seem interested in us. Surely it should be a 2 way effort. Perhaps we need to make more of an effort to invite them to our house but surely family should be able to call anytime and say "Are you free, we would like to come and see you".
Also any visits to the in laws need to be coordinated when ALL 6 of them are not working (MIL/FIL/BIL/3 x SIL) as they think it's not fair that some see the baby and others don't (especially the MIL) . Which is difficult as visits are very much when it suits them.

My husband works very long hours, sometimes night shifts and he agrees with me but is reluctant to say anything.

Any advice?

Ta

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JohnLapsleyParlabane · 29/11/2016 22:51

Invite them to yours, and only go there once they've been to you. Repeat until they get the message.

FaFoutis · 29/11/2016 22:52

They clearly should be visiting you. It's your husband's job to tell them that, why is he reluctant?

Novinosincebambino · 29/11/2016 22:55

I have a similar issue with my own parents. It came to a head when they expected me to drive to theirs or they wouldn't see DD on her birthday. I flipped and told them that I was sick of doing all the running and putting DD in a car for a 3 hour round trip that messed up her routine. You just have to be firm and put your baby first. I pissed them off but it was such a relief to let go of the resentment and stand up to them. It's not enjoyable if you are miserable and so is your baby. Put your foot down and tell DP to grow a backbone for the sake of your child.

ToadsforJustice · 29/11/2016 22:55

If they want to see the baby - they know where you live.

user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 00:29

Thanks for the replies!! So I'm not being unreasonable for thinking all of this.

Me and Husband have spoken about this lots and several other issues but he feels that by saying something A) They won't understand because they lead very sheltered lives. B) They will take it the wrong way and get offended C) They won't listen because they have ignored previous boundary requests and do as the please!

I agree it is his job to talk to them but it's so frustrating biting my tongue that eventually this coupled with the other issues... I'm gonna blow my top!!

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alleypalley · 30/11/2016 00:37

YANBU, but I'm not sure why anything needs to be said as such. When they invite you just make your excuses and invite them to yours instead for another time. It doesn't really need to be made into a big deal.

user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 00:38

Tried the we come to you then you come to us several times!! Doesn't work!! Excuses are made all the time. Think MIL prefers the baby in her home so she is in more control of the situation and does things that she wouldn't be able to do in our home like taking the baby out of the room and not giving me the baby back when she is crying!! Feeding her food that I would not allow behind my back when I pop to the loo!! The list is endless!
!

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ilovelamp82 · 30/11/2016 00:42

In an ideal world they should be thoughtful and sensible about the fact that you aret the one travelling with a baby, but if you think they aren't going to be pleased with that suggestion then why don't you tell them you'll need to start taking it in turns to visit each other as it's too much for the three of you.

You can't be accused of being unreasonable if you are literaĺly offering to divide the travelling 50/50, then it's their choice if they want to keep it up.

user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 00:42

alleypalley Your right! It's a shame really that it comes to this! I think I'm going to try and be more proactive and invite them here and if they say no I'll make some excuse and offer them an alternative date

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ilovelamp82 · 30/11/2016 00:44

Oops, cross post. But if she's not respecting your boundaries then all the more reason to insist on it. If they want to see the baby that much they will. If they don't that's their loss.

user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 00:45

Yes all I'm asking for is a bit of effort from them! I really don't think they like coming to our house!
But as 1st time parents we are exhausted and come the weekends we just want to relax at home and spend time together as a family rather then trekking across the county!
Even if they met us half way but they never leave the house!!!

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user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 00:47

Last time they crossed the boundaries and Husband spoke to them it was awful - shouting at us, not speaking to us for weeks!! It was so awkwardZ

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FabFiveFreddie · 30/11/2016 00:48

Have you explained about the break in the routine not being good for DD? Seeing as they're all about the baby, make it sound like it's all about HER wellbeing, don't mention your tiredness or any practicalities. Keep it to "I want to get her sleeping routine settled, which I can't do when there's a change of scenery every couple of weeks. She really needs this, else she gets tetchy and irritable and it's not fair on her. Once the routine is well and truly established we should be able to break it now and then and come visit you, but until then we really need to keep her home. We don't want to stop you from seeing her of course, you're welcome to come to ours".

DoYouRememberJustinBobby · 30/11/2016 00:50

I would be very blunt the next time they moan and suggest you go to them. It's hard, I know but make the first bold move and lay the law for future years with a "You know what it's like with a new baby, we are trying to get her into a routine in a familiar setting so coming up to you doesn't make much sense. We would love to see you down here more often though. Have I told you she is xyz mile stone-ing at the moment, you have to see her eating spinach/waving/laughing at the dog. When's best for you to come up? Have to go she needs her nappy changing, text us some dates. Byeeeee" All one monologue, done.

user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 00:53

FabFiveFreddie.... I like that idea because they clearly are not interested in me and the husband and how it impacts on us!
I will talk to my Husband more about this and suggest these ideas

The in laws are not making this esay at all and I'm not the conformational type!

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JennyWoodentop · 30/11/2016 00:57

When they say "jump", you don't have to say "how high?"

Next time they summon you for a visit just say no, and offer them a date to visit you a week or two later. If they don't come, don't immediately rush to visit them, just wait. The travelling all the time is not working for you or your baby, so don't - 50:50 if that's what you want is fine.

Are you going on your own or does your husband go with you? If you're going without him I would stop that as they are undermining your parenting decisions - see them together and present a united front.

They sound difficult - them not speaking to you for weeks when they were challenged previously sounds like a good result????

user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 00:57

All 6 of them smoke too!! In the house even when we visit. I've asked them not to smoke but they ignore me and say it's fine all
Mine turned out ok!!!!
We don't smoke and neither does my husband. It smells so bad

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user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 00:59

Jenny- Yes it was a good result!! Hehehe.
No I never go on my own always with my Husband. I don't have a close relationship with them (After 10 years) I've tried and tried but hey ho!!

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FabFiveFreddie · 30/11/2016 01:02

That's it. The smoking has killed it. Fuck routine, no way on god's earth would I take my baby anywhere where smoking happens indoors and she doesn't go out.

FFS. I'm actually angry with you now (more so your DH as they're his parents) for putting your baby in this situation. Don't care what some people have got away with in the past. Irrelevant.

JennyWoodentop · 30/11/2016 01:03

The more you say about them the worse it sounds.

If you don't want your baby in a smoke filled home, don't visit them, let them come to you and don't let them smoke in your house.

Personally I would be very blunt about not taking a baby into that environment - they care so much about seeing the baby they make you do all the travelling but won't make the effort to visit you. They smoke in the house when the baby's there when you ask them not to. It's all about control and power.

See them on your turf, where you are in charge of your child's environment and well being, food, naps, whatever. You are the parent and they need to respect your decisions.

FabFiveFreddie · 30/11/2016 01:04

Sorry, don't want to rant. But basically your in laws are summoning you and your baby to go stay in a noxious environment for a couple of days at a time, twice a month, and are giving you a hard time if you don't. That's what's happening. Why would you jeopardize her health in this way, and why are you not putting her first?

user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 01:08

Yes it's awful, it's disgusting! All the gifts and clothes we get from them I have to throw away cause they smell and have poison on them.
They will start the visit by smoking outside and then eventually creep there way into the house smokin, .I've asked time and time again please do not smoke when we visit and have even got up and left the house with my baby because of it.
Husband has been bought up with the smoking!

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ColaSpangles · 30/11/2016 01:10

Perhaps your husband could say health visitor has said you shouldn't visit smokey house- bit of a cop out but if you don't feel up to confrontation being very tired new parents? In laws sound toxic. Good luck and stand firm !

user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 01:14

Jenny - you've summed it up perfectly! This is exactly what I want without being made to feel guilty, arguments, being shouted at!

In previous posts I said there were several issues with the smoking being one of them. What's promopted me to come on here was the visiting and my feelings about it to find out if I'm being unreasonable. I know the smoking is bad and that is constantly being addressed!

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user1480458852 · 30/11/2016 01:15

Yes I said about the HV and SIDS and reiterated this when they bought cot bumpers - that went in the bin!!

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