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AIBU to give dp an ultimatum and grow a pair?

(42 Posts)
chubbylover78 Tue 29-Nov-16 08:34:57

I've been with dp 9 years in April and I am sick to the back teeth of the way he lets his ex talk to him and she gets away with it.
It's been a constant argument the whole time we've been together and I told him he has until xmas to get his act together and grow a pair of bollocks and tell his ex straight.
It's always been something that has bubbled away under the surface but a couple of weeks ago I lost it and have him the ultimatum.
It started this time when we were as a family funeral of all things. She called and sent a text asking "what the fuck he thinks he's doing closing his ds savings account" "He told his ex on his last visit to his ds that he would be closing down a savings account he opened for his son when he was born so he could put the money in his son's other account.
My dp is trustee on the old account and his ds is under 11. We looked at the account terms and conditions and the trustee is within rights to close the account on behalf of the child under 16. He went ahead and closed it and asked his ex for ds other account details but she refused to give them saying " she told him next time he sees ds they will all go and close the account together as it's ds account and he needs to be there" I've never heard such rubbish in my life, ds was a baby when the account was opened so why does he need to be there, it's not like ds has signed anything for the account. If he did what she wanted it would mean a 300 mile round trip to close the account when he sees ds and taking time away from the 4hour visit he has with him. Then she tells so that she wants dp off the other account (child trust fund) and she has asked for the paperwork for him to sign. My dp couldn't even remember being contact on the account let alone who it's with. If dp is the named contact on it then his ex has been opening his mail without permission and has no right to contact the people who have the account in the first place. The child trust fund isn't held in trust by dp but he's the contact and his ex is insisting he is trustee. No one, not even his ds can touch the money until he's 16 and then it only passes to him in name until he's 18 when he can then withdraw cash.
My dp just goes along with what she wants all the time and then moans to me about it. I've told him numerous times to tell her straight but then she uses ds to get to dp, this time it was the fact his ds has to speak to the people in the bank about the account dp closed. Load of crap as a child can't even open an account by themselves until they're 11 anyway and now she's going on about wanting the cash in a cheque (fair enough) and wanting to see proof of the amount withdrawn at closure unless she will take the matter further. I would love her to get legal advice and watch her get laughed at for being so petty.
It's getting stupid but dp says nothing to her about it and it's about time he manned up to her but he wont.
We're due to see his ds next month but I'm not sure I can go because I know I will say something to her but its not my place to.

elodie2000 Tue 29-Nov-16 08:56:06

Your DP can always leave the money where it is.
His DC will get it when he is 16. Why does it matter where the money is? He's unlikely to get better interest rates by moving it.
Unless of course your DH doesn't see the money as really belonging to his DC and wants access to it himself.
Either way, it's none of your business and no amount of 'bollock growing' will make a difference to the fact that your DH's child will get his money when he is the right age.

steppemum Tue 29-Nov-16 09:05:26

She uses ds to get at dh.

That says it all really. He doesn't want to loose what contact he has with his son.

While I have sympathy for you, I can also understand that he would go to great lengths to keep his son.

ZoFloMoFo Tue 29-Nov-16 09:08:59

If your DP was going to put his son's money into his "other account", of which your DP doesn't have the details, then he's effectively handing the money over to his ex anyway.

I'm not quite sure what you want him to 'man up' about but it seems he gets earache from you down one ear and from the ex down another and he can't win either way.

I think you would have a much less angsty life of you kept out of it all, as it's actually not really any of your business.

And yes, if you can't keep your mouth shut then it's best that you don't accompany your DP on his next contact visit.

chubbylover78 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:22:13

He makes it my business by constantly moaning to me about his ex. I've told him he needs to deal with it himself and I don't want anything to do with it but he just won't stop notching about it when she contacts him about things.

chubbylover78 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:23:37

Bitching not notching lol

MammaTJ Tue 29-Nov-16 09:38:39

I think when you get together with a person who already has a child/children with someone else, this just comes with the territory. It doesn;t sound as though he is letting her get all her own way, he is just trying to keep things so he can see his son! If you have been together 9 years already, not that much longer to go now surely.

Chill your boots, and try laughing together about things she says! It is the only way.

elodie2000 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:41:05

So your DH has closed the account 'he went ahead and closed it' and exW wants him to do a 300mile round trip to do what? She doesn't want to give your DH the other savings account number so Is he going to create a new account and put the money back in his son's name ?
I really don't understand why he's messing with the accounts. Who has go the money now?

chubbylover78 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:06:33

My dp has a cheque for his ds so his ex can put it in his ds account. She wanted him to go to the bank with her and ds because she said ds had to be there when dp closed the account as it was ds. He gets to see ds for 4 hours on his next visit and didn't want to waste time going to the bank with his ex in tow just to do something he can do here at home at the bank 2miles down the road and put the cash straight into ds other account.

chubbylover78 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:09:54

I don't understand why so many of you day my dp is doing what he is to keep seeing his ds. Surely it's a parents right to see their child regardless of whether he complies with his ex or not. He is fully aware that she uses ds as a means to get to dp and is prepared to take her to court if she prevents access for not getting her own way.

TheNaze73 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:10:22

It's par for the course with an ex lurking in the background. Sympathise with you but, I'd be doing exactly what your DP is for his child

chubbylover78 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:12:55

I don't have problems with my ex in regards to my ds and never have. He sees our ds when he wants and I never contact my ex for money or petty things that are not worth arguing over.

ZoFloMoFo Tue 29-Nov-16 10:14:37

It's a case of picking your battles.

Save your anger and frustration for when it's worthwhile.

He's closed the account. He should either send the ex a cheque to put into DS account, or open another account and put the money there.

And then let it go.

chubbylover78 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:19:57

He's taking the cheque on his next visit as she asked. He had to call her last night about something and the first thing she asked was if he'd written the cheque out yet. She calls him money grabbing. I've had my full it's about time they both grew up and started acting like parents and not children squabbling over a toy.

elodie2000 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:22:33

So his ex wants to see him and is using this as an excuse.
Ok, so he needs to say 'No, it's not convenient, I will put the cheque into the existing account if you'll give me the number and if not, I'll create another account in DS's name and put it there'.
She's using her DS as an excuse to see your DH. Why did he mess about with the accounts? He should have left well alone.

gaelicgirl100 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:23:04

Sorry to be blunt here, but if the main problem you have is listening to him moaning then don't let him moan to you about his ex. Whatever goes on between them about his DS is between them, why get you involved? Perhaps till him to keep quiet if he's going to moan about her? he's not going to change how he treats his ex if he's worried about losing contact with his DS.
Seriously, remove yourself from the equation, it's not about you, it's about him, his ex and his DS.

elodie2000 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:26:08

Just read your last post. Oh, so she thinks he's going to pocket the money if she's not there to watch him deposit the cheque... I can see that- he did withdraw the money without telling her what he was doing.
She want to make sure it goes back & doesn't trust him.
Ignore my last post about 'wanting to see him'...

Ihateblippi Tue 29-Nov-16 10:28:25

What is the ultimatum you propose to give your DP?

Bogeyface Tue 29-Nov-16 10:30:50

I totally understand your frustration, she is using his DS as a means to control him, if it wasnt this money then it would be something else.

But I cant help feeling that he created a situation where there didnt need to be one. Unless the bank the money was in was in danger of collapse and there were hundreds of thousands in there, then what was wrong with leaving the money where it was?

His best bet now is to just skip the crap about his other account, open a new one in his DS's name.

How old was DS when they split up? You have been together 9 years and the DS isnt 11 yet? Sounds like there is a back story to this that might explain (not excuse) her behaviour.

chubbylover78 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:32:04

He told her he was closing and would transfer it to ds other account but she wanted them to do it together(god knows why) he closed it because he wanted his son to have the money so he can start to benefit from it as his ex had the passbook but couldn't withdraw from it because dp was trustee. Dp just did what he thought was right but wasn't expecting his ex to be so ardent about it

Sneakynamechage Tue 29-Nov-16 10:45:23

I don't get why that example warrants an ultimatum confused

To be fair, im guessing using the Ds as a bargaining tool for a long time. If he had such a problem with it and fed up of it being on her terms, he's had 11 years too take her court - so the bit about he's well prepared to go court and fight just sounds like cheap talk.

He's obviously quite happy with the arrangement like I said above, it's been happening for a while like this.
So what he's having a moan isn't that what partners do? you're issuing an ultamatium too basically ruin what doesn't sound like a bad co-parenting relationship, just for the sake of " manning up"

HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries Tue 29-Nov-16 10:53:40

Make sure the cheque is in DS's name, not the ex's.

ADishBestEatenCold Tue 29-Nov-16 11:03:11

"He makes it my business by constantly moaning to me about his ex."

No, I disagree. His moaning at you makes the fact that he's a moaner your business.

His son's savings and how each of the boy's parents chose to handle those savings isn't your business.

ravenmum Tue 29-Nov-16 11:04:55

So there are two accounts, one on which he was the sole trustee and one on which they are both trustees. That is making the mum a bit nervous, as now she sees that her ex can take all the money out of the account on which he is the sole trustee, without having to ask her (as he would on the other account). And now, in fact, that is precisely what he has done. I can see why that would upset her, until the moment that money arrives in the jointly managed account. He should hurry up and get it in there. Should have just done it straight away by bank transfer to stop it looking so dodgy.

Mistletoetastic Tue 29-Nov-16 11:04:55

As others have said it doesn't seem like a big deal tbh, I can' see why you are all so wound up about this?

The account is already closed so no visit to the bank with ex and DS is required, your DP can simply hand over the cheque on next visit, along with whatever paperwork was given at the time of closing the account.

It sounds like the ex is distrusting over money matters but this will al go away once cheque is handed over won't it?

What kind of ultimatum do you want to give your DP? he has already gone against the wishes of his ex in that the account is closed.

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