AIBU to have deducted late birthday money from money owed to DM?

[scaredofthecity]

It was my birthday month before last and my DM promised me some birthday money and encouraged me to treat myself to a new coat. I spent said money and she promised she'd give it to me.

6 weeks later and still no money and I'm pretty skint this month. I've had a bill for the car, I transferred this too my DF minus the birthday money that they owe me and she had literally gone mad at me. Spitting venom down the phone and saying some really nasty things.

So for a bit of context my DF has an account with the garage and he has always paid my bills and then I transfer the money pretty swiftly. We have done it like this for ages and it works nicely.

I literally do not have the extra to make it up and Tbh cannot see what the issue is. My birthday was 6 weeks ago and she promised me the money and encouraged me to spend it. She has just taken on more hours at work for the opportunity and they are not short of a few bob.

AIBU to have deducted it from the bill?

[Trifleorbust]

Tricky. I always say money isn't yours until it's actually given - I don't think she can 'owe' you birthday money, whereas the car is your bill absolutely. However, when you say she encouraged you to buy a coat, what do you mean? Did she suffer you buy a coat with the money she intended to give you, or did she actually make an arrangement for you to buy the coat and she would pay you back? All depends on the wording.

[Trifleorbust]

*suggest

[MadJeffBarn]

I'm confused, your mum promised you money or your friend? Sorry I'm still getting the hang of mumsnet abbreviations

[AidingAndAbetting]

Yes YABU. They should have got you a present but you can't arbitrarily decide to take it out of money you owe them for something else.

[Yellowbird54321]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Coat encouraging venom spitting mother doesn't sound great though.

[BewtySkoolDropowt]

Df can be friend, father or fiancé. In this instance is put money on father

[AliceInUnderpants]

Did you explain what the missing money was?
How would you have settled the bill if it hadn't been your birthday recently?

[scaredofthecity]

Yeh sorry it's my dad.
I do see what you mean. I needed a new coat and was looking in charity shops then she promised me money for the coat and so I splurged. I wouldn't have spent the money if she hadn't promised me it.
I was ill a few weeks ago and so missed out on some pay and I'm really pretty short this month as it is.
Sorry I should have added that she's notoriously bad at birthdays and we're lucky if we get anything months later. But if we forgot her birthday on the other hand....

Normally I would have just let it be but I don't have the money this time. We just bought a house and all our savings have been eaten.

[scaredofthecity]

Yeh of course I did explain but she wouldn't even listen to what I was saying. She said she chooses when I get said money not me.

[Trifleorbust]

Well that's true, OP. If she knows you're struggling though, it sounds like she is being a bit of a git. Just repeat that you are sorry for the misunderstanding but you can't afford to repay the money this month. Give it to them next month. Then tell the tight cow to sod off

[Floggingmolly]

Of course you are. If she's "notorious" for stuff like this you were very foolish to spend money you didn't have, when there was every chance she wouldn't come through on her promise.

[scaredofthecity]

Yeh your right that's not a bad idea. She's got lots of issues from a bad childhood so I'm always making excuses for her and being the bigger person. I don't want to fall out with her and if I had it I'd have transferred it over.
I'll tell her I'll give it on payday. Sometimes i wish I could NC but she's my mum and I still love her despite all her loopyness.

[witsender]

My parents did this for my 30th. Told me to get this particular thing that I wanted for 100 quid from them, to order it and they would wrap it, give me the cash etc.

A few days after my birthday, at the birthday meal I paid for they handed me a cheque for 60.

Yanbu OP.

[scaredofthecity]

flogging I just thought this time because I really am actually skint she'd come through... My bad I spose!

[Floggingmolly]

I'm not saying it's not spectacularly crap, op

[Oldraver]

One thing I've learned with my Mum is to wait and not actually expect the money until it is in my hand..

My Mum has form for promising money for months...she usually starts with the "I'll give xyz for Christmas" around June, when the time comes it is never what she said. There will nearly always be a "oh I bought a present, so not giving as much". Sometimes she will just forget she has promised money. I think she says it so much she is convinced she has given it too you.. I'm ot sure why she does it...there is also the constant thanks you feel you need to give each time she is telling you what she intends to give...you can only say thank you so many times while knowing it may not materialise.

She can be generous...but as generous as she thinks she is

[expatinscotland]

If you cannot go n/c, please start disentangling any finances you have with them, so stop using the garage.

[Didiusfalco]

Whatever the rights or wrongs of this particular situation, she doesn't sound very nice. I'd say as a minimum you skip her birthday!

[PaniWahine]

Unfortunately you are being unreasonable As PP said, until it's in your hands, it's not yours.

Decade ago my sister was given 15,000 towards her first house as her wedding gift and Dad mentioned the rest of us would get the same. The other two did, I didn't and it irks. It's his money though and a promise isn't a guarantee or contract

[Bluntness100]

Yes, that's shitty of her, sorry, but to be fair, you should have called her up and said, "I owe you both x amount, should i deduct the birthday money or would uou like me to transfer it all" .

Bottom line though if she promised uou the money it's not unreasonable to expect it close to your birthday not months later.

I would not take her on her word again. I suspect she never really planned to give uou the money,just wanted to appear generous , which is shit if she knows you're skint and she's encouraging you to spend money uou don't have.

I would let it go now, don't transfer the birthday money to them, just leave it and don't mention it again, transferring it just keeps the issue alive.

[Bluntness100]

Pani, I'd ask your dad.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

How much was it?

[Paulat2112]

I don't think YABU, my mum isn't great either. She said she would pay towards the bridesmaid dresses for my wedding, nope didn't happen. Then she promised me a lovely wedding gift, didn't happen (been married two years now!) but worst it was dd birthday a few months ago and she asked what she would like and dd told her, she still hasn't got it :( I'm pretty much nc because she doesn't make the effort at all and haven't seen her since last Christmas!! Despite living a few minutes away! I've tried but she is always busy. I give up and don't expect anything from her now

[Viviennemary]

It is annoying that you were promised the money for the coat as a present and it didn't come. But you were still cheeky deducting that money from your garage bill which you should have paid. I would have been furious too if I was your Mother and you'd be getting zero for your birthday next year. It's just not the done thing.

[Trying321]

You should have told them this was your plan first and checked they were OK with it. YABU but so is your mum for getting so nasty.