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To occasionally want DC to have some time with GPs without SIL and her DCs?

(34 Posts)
KlingybunFistelvase Mon 07-Nov-16 11:57:27

I'm fully prepared to be told I am being an unreasonable, unfriendly, unkind bitch here.

DH and I have one DD. My mum died before she was born and my dad lives a plane ride away.

PILs have three other DGCs (SIL's DCs). They are lovely children, though they definitely have their moments and as they are a bit older than DD and quite boisterous, if we go to visit PILs and they are around (which is on more or less every occasion) the house gets very chaotic. MIL and SIL busy themselves in the kitchen, refuse help and I'm usually left for a good portion of the visit in the sitting room while the children all play together. DH isn't that helpful as he either looks at his phone or goes off with FIL to play darts or similar. I feel like a bit of a spare part tbh and also have to fend off some of the more boisterous play which DD isn't quite old enough to participate in.

I end up finding the visits really boring and hard work. I think I feel worse about it at the moment as I am far from home and have to family or friends nearby. The only people we have are ILs, but when we go to see them I end up feeling like I'm doing more work than I would be at home. I'm having a major moan here I think. I just wish we could go and DD spend some time with her grandparents, especially MIL as she only has the one grandmother but that just doesn't seem possible.

SIL gets a lot of help from PILs with her DCs, which I understand as she needs it; she has more of them for a start and her DH works funny hours. She also works pt while I'm a sahm, so needs help with childcare for that. PILs also work, so there seems to be not much free time left for DD.

MuggaTea Mon 07-Nov-16 11:59:12

Can you invite PILs to yours?

Trifleorbust Mon 07-Nov-16 12:00:17

I think expecting one-to-one time is a bit precious, tbh.

WorraLiberty Mon 07-Nov-16 12:03:21

Shouldn't the thread title be something like, "AIBU to wish my DH would stop fucking off to play darts, while I'm left to sort out his nieces/nephews?"

Optimist1 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:03:22

Why not ask ILs round to yours so your DD gets their sole attention, then afterwards tell them how much DD enjoyed having them to herself, leading into a suggestion that she could come to theirs without her cousins on a future occasion? Obviously their time isn't unlimited and they have commitments to care for the other DGCs but they might well enjoy one-to-one time enough to factor it in to future plans.

KlingybunFistelvase Mon 07-Nov-16 12:03:55

We do this sometimes, but pften they are helping SIL out at her house. I think they are with her and her DC's most weekends. If that's the case we obviously have to invite her too as would be harsh to tell them to leave her at home alone with DCs. I guess when we have PILs and SIL here, at least I can go off to the kitchen and everyone else can spend time together instead of us taking DD to PIL's.

KlingybunFistelvase Mon 07-Nov-16 12:09:10

Precious! Yes, that's what I left out of my OP - I was prepared to be called precious too.

I am being U - I'm stuck thinking "if my mum was here...", which is highly unfair on my PILs. It's not their job to replace my mum.

And yes, my DH is not in my good books at the moment re fucking off to play darts and leaving me to sort out his niece and nephews. I end up looking like a bitch if I say "no you can't go and play darts" in front of his parents. Think I might be sick next visit. DD won't get one to one time with GPs but at least I won't be providing daycare for nephews and niece!

DPotter Mon 07-Nov-16 12:09:37

how about you stay at home and your DP takes your DD; he will then have to step up and out out for her. Give your DD instructions she is to find Granny of things get too boisterous for her

gamerwidow Mon 07-Nov-16 12:18:32

I bet your DD loves playing with her cousins though. She probably enjoys this more than she would if it was just the GP and her. This sounds more about you and the fact that you find the whole experience unenjoyable. That's not a criticism of you, it does sound like you're just dumped in the front room with kids and expected to look after them. I would let your DH take DD to these family gatherings and invite your MIL to your house for some one on one time so your DD gets the best of both worlds.

AmberEars Mon 07-Nov-16 12:24:52

I agree with gamer that this is more about you than DD. I'm not saying that's wrong at all! If you are finding the visits unenjoyable, then sit down with your DH and talk about how to improve them (e.g. some of the suggestions earlier about letting DH go on his own or inviting the PILs to your house or insisting that DH makes sure you are not left on your own with all the kids). But I don't think one on one time with your DD and her granny is the main problem here.

Greengoddess12 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:31:24

Why don't you join your mil-sil in the kitchen and leave the kids to play.

Tell your dd to find you if things get too rough and just relax.

Your dd probably loves playing with her big cousins and what's really the worse that can happen

Astro55 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:35:27

I know what you mean - feels like favourites because the older ones are there all the time

Mine ask - why are there more photos of X? Why does Y have toys here? Why have X and Y have their own rooms?

It's annoying - but their loss

HarryPottersMagicWand Mon 07-Nov-16 12:40:24

YABU to expect one to one time, that's a bit ridiculous tbh. But why bother going over? Your MIL doesn't really seem arsed about seeing your DD if she sods off to the kitchen while you are there so don't go. If not, your DH can take his child to see his mother and you can chill at home. I don't go to MILs with DH, I let him take the kids over. I don't see it as my job to be there at all.

franincisco Mon 07-Nov-16 12:43:00

OP don't be hard on yourself, it is clear that there are underlying issues regarding your DM flowers

Perhaps not helpful, but I have found that the "first" grandchildren always stay in the limelight. As they were firstborn everything was very exciting, all of the milestones etc. Ones that come later on aren't loved any less, but one to one time just isn't really thought of? I never saw my DGP's without my cousins and it was great, we grew up together and were very close. DGP's viewed us as a group I suppose and never proposed that we should see them without the others. This will be great for your DD.

I can't see why if you invite the IL's that it would be unfair to leave DSIL out? Unless she is not capable of looking after her own DC on her own? Or else I would suggest taking IL's out for dinner somewhere.

Notso Mon 07-Nov-16 12:46:25

I don't think YABU. BIL, his wife and DD and SIL, her husband and puppy are at PILs pretty much everyday. It's like the Royale family.
It wears thin very quickly.
Either stay at home, go and play darts with your DH and FIL or insist you help in the kitchen.

icklekid Mon 07-Nov-16 12:51:36

Is SIL a single parent? If so can understand why they support her more. I think it's fine to invite your inlaws and not her for what it's worth...

Bringmewineandcake Mon 07-Nov-16 12:53:44

Why would it be precious to expect one on one time with grandparents? confused
When we're at the inlaws with the DDs other cousins it is total chaos. Barring exceptional circumstances all grandchildren should be able to visit just their grandparents.
OP I'm not sure tho why you can't invite them to yours and not invite SiL? Unless they live together.

TorchesTorches Mon 07-Nov-16 12:55:47

I have a very similar situation. SIL and MIL used to hide in the kitchen too, busying themselves, with actually not much being done. As soon as i started thinking of it as hiding, rather than working or cooking or something useful, it stopped me from feeling like i had to do childcare, or tidying up in MILs house. I wandered around the garden, or hung out in the study away from everyone. SIL can sort out her own kids and mess.

shovetheholly Mon 07-Nov-16 13:01:09

I don't blame you for being bored - it sounds like your DH is being a bit shit, and your in laws are sodding off to the kitchen, leaving you on your own! It's all a bit anti-social really.

What would happen if you let DH go on his own and took some time for yourself instead?

user1477282676 Mon 07-Nov-16 13:06:56

I completely understand OP. My MIL and FIl are the only grandparents my DC have access to as we're living in Oz where they live and my Mum is in the UK.

MIL was so devoted to my DC until SIL had her child and now, my DC NEVER see MIL alone as they once did...because she HAS to include my nephew.

It's irking. MIL does 3 days a week childcare for SIL so has those days with her grandson....why can't one other day, she invite my DC and spend the time with them?

She simply can't do it! I try to tell myself that she's shattered and all that but it's as though she feels bad if she only has my DC...she asks for mine to go and spend the night at hers purely so she can include my nephew in their visit....which she does...every single time.

We ask her to come here and she comes with nephew! He's a beautiful boy and I do love him but really?

franincisco Mon 07-Nov-16 13:15:38

Why is important to see DGP's alone though? Unless the behaviour of the cousins is bad I can't see why it isn't a positive thing for cousins to be together? Genuine question btw!

maddiemookins16mum Mon 07-Nov-16 13:16:10

I don't think it's unreasonable either (but think the part where you feel "a spare part' is more of an issue). I think I'd probably dread visiting.

ceara Mon 07-Nov-16 13:20:05

I don't think YABU. It's nice if all the grandchildren can spend some one-to-one bonding time with grandparents, just the same as in a large family each parent might try to carve out a bit of time with each child. But take heart that it's the quality not quantity that counts; I was closer to the grandmother I saw once a year, than the grandmother I saw every day. I agree with the posters who suggested inviting PILs to your house every now and then, or alternate visits. And if MIL is doing childcare for her other grandchildren she might welcome a chance to see you without having to host, feed people etc?

ceara Mon 07-Nov-16 13:21:32

Sorry, just seen that she bring your nephew. Don't know what to suggest - unless there's a day when you know your SIL and her family will be out doing something else?

5moreminutes Mon 07-Nov-16 13:21:56

Klingy I don't think you are especially being precious to wish your DD got some 1:1 time with her grandmother/ grandparents.

My in-laws have 3 grandchildren and all of them are my kids grin but they still each like a bit of 1:1 time with a grandparent, and have occasionally been to stay with my in-laws just one at a time for a night - they love that. DD does have a special bond with MIL (who is a very traditional grandma in a lot of ways - she likes teaching DD to make jam etc.) but also likes 1:1 time with FIL, who has taught her bizarre things like how to dry mushrooms grin Mostly all 3 kids spend time with both grandparents together, but the 1:1 times (even if only an hour during a whole family visit) are a bit special.

My mum tries to force cousin bonding although my kids and my sister's are not very... erm... compatible... could your MIL be trying to do that? But I think it sounds as if your MIL actually likes spending time with her adult daughter, rather than that she wants all the grandchildren together.

I agree that your DH needs to step up, he sounds as if he's checked out of being an adult while he's with his dad/ parents.

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