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AIBU to avoid this mum's advances after she dated my au pair?

(43 Posts)
Wills Wed 19-Oct-16 16:26:58

I had a gorgeous au-pair from Germany. He was helpful, polite, considerate and lovely to have around. Half way through his trip he broke up with his long standing girlfriend back in Germany (her decision) and was a serious mess for quite a few weeks afterwards but didn't want to return home. I would say he was very soft and extremely naive and after his girlfriend broke off their relationship he seemed really lost.

Approximately 4 weeks before he was due to return to Germany my youngest (of 4dcs) started at a new school. By new I mean the school was completely new to the area so although she was going into year 2 all of the children would be new to the school/class.

A week later he announced he was going on a date. Aside from laughing with him at him leaving it so late I wished him luck. Then I found out it was someone from the school. Thinking it was possibly another childminder or aupair I thought nothing more of it. Gradually I found out that it was another mother (so ok, slightly worried as have not met her etc but still ok), then that this was the mother of one of my daughter's new best friends - so now I'm slightly more uncomfortable but worrying that I don't really have the right to be so simply asked him not to bring her home at night as meeting her whilst wandering around at night in my nightie isn't how I'd envisaged meeting a new mum.

Then just a couple of days before he returned to Germany I found out the full story. She's 39 years old with a 19 year old son and a six year old daughter whom my dc is now close friends with. My au-pair has spent nights over there and dc's friend mentions it. Possibly wrongly but I feel that she seriously took advantage of him. I know he paid for their dates out and au-pairs don't earn a lot! I'm relieved he returned to Germany. I know he's technically an adult, but emotionally he was still extremely young and naive and I felt responsible for him whilst he was with us and in an odd way I feel I somehow let him down.

And now..... she's now approached my new au-pair (though not asked him out yet) and has passed her phone number on to me so we can meet up for "play dates". What the heck do I do?

SalemSaberhagen Wed 19-Oct-16 16:31:59

I don't see the angst to be honest. He's a grown man, she's a grown woman. Both were single...what is the issue?

Vixyboo Wed 19-Oct-16 16:32:10

Ask her what's going on! Be straight with her!!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Wed 19-Oct-16 16:33:10

I'd tell her that whilst you're happy she obviously approves of your taste in Au Pairs, you're not a dating agency.

skilledintheartofnothing Wed 19-Oct-16 16:34:50

Not your circus..not your monkeys.

JustSpeakSense Wed 19-Oct-16 16:35:29

Time to start hiring female au pairs grin

wibblewobble8 Wed 19-Oct-16 16:39:06

Im not sure what the issue is here tbh. She dated your au pair, its now over as he is away home. Both consenting adults. Is now trying to arrange a playdate with you for the children. Since when has arranging a playdate considered making an advance on someone by all accounts your probably too old for her tastes. Has she been inappropriate or anything or are you making mountains out of molehills?

KoalaDownUnder Wed 19-Oct-16 16:39:34

How old was your first au pair?

And the one she's passed her number to is his successor - how old is he?

SalemSaberhagen Wed 19-Oct-16 16:40:08

Were you jealous OP?!

GiddyOnZackHunt Wed 19-Oct-16 16:42:31

Well it's a bit off I suppose and a 36 yr old dad dating a 19 yr old female au pair would be similarly off.

I like the laughing and saying you aren't a dating agency.

mouldycheesefan Wed 19-Oct-16 16:44:17

Do nothing. Don't call her for a play date. Your au pairs can date who they like be it a school mum or the headteacher.

appalachianwalzing Wed 19-Oct-16 16:45:39

I think people would be responding v differently if it was a school dad and a 19 year old female au pair. The deal with an au pair is they're meant to be like a part of the family, so it's fair you find it off: he seems to be closer in age to her son than her so there's clearly a bit of a power imbalance.

Hard to know what to do if you don't want to mess up your daughters friendship though.

Wills Wed 19-Oct-16 16:46:25

Oh I do like the dating agency! Yep you're probably right I'm having an angst over nothing, just felt he was rather young. Current one is 19 same age as her son, but hey I probably shouldn't be so age-ist?

Jessia0 Wed 19-Oct-16 16:46:30

The cougar envy

KoalaDownUnder Wed 19-Oct-16 16:46:35

She's 39, with a 19-year-old son!

If the au pair was only 19 or 20 himself (OP hasn't says), I think that's really off.

skilledintheartofnothing Wed 19-Oct-16 16:46:44

I read it as the woman had a son of 19 and a 6 year old, not the the Au pair was 19??

Then just a couple of days before he returned to Germany I found out the full story. She's 39 years old with a 19 year old son and a six year old daughter

KoalaDownUnder Wed 19-Oct-16 16:46:46


PatriciaHolm Wed 19-Oct-16 16:47:20

Would your daughter like to do play dates with her daughter? I'd make the decision based on her not you.

Wills Wed 19-Oct-16 16:47:22

appalachianwalzing - spot on. He felt like part of the family.

Wills Wed 19-Oct-16 16:48:16

au-pair was 22, new au-pair is 19

KoalaDownUnder Wed 19-Oct-16 16:48:27

But how old was the first one??

KoalaDownUnder Wed 19-Oct-16 16:48:51

Oh sorry, cross-post

Wills Wed 19-Oct-16 16:49:20

and yes would we react the same way were it a dad of 39 dating a 22 year old female?

KoalaDownUnder Wed 19-Oct-16 16:50:55

Eh, well maybe it's just me, but I think it's really not right. It would put me off her, tbh.

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Oct-16 16:51:17

Oh come on, if this was the other way round, where one of the dads at school was asking for the phone number of her new au pair, everyone would be calling him all sorts of names.

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