To be a tiny bit jealous?

[salot]

Disclaimer: I know I'm being stupid!

My best friend and I have recently both got our first graduate jobs. I'm working in London and on a fairly high salary (I worked a lot in same industry at university, doing internships etc etc), she's in a different industry having completed an internship recently. There's about £12k difference between our salaries but as bf lives at home, she does not pay rent/bills/food so her disposable income is probably higher than mine.

I'm really happy that things have worked out well for bf but equally a tiny bit jealous that I've worked so hard and am apparently worse off

[salot]

My outgoings are approx £800 a month (rent/bills/transport)

[acasualobserver]

Do you want to live at home too? Would you take a £12k pay cut to do it?

[timeforabrewnow]

Get over it. You both have jobs. You're independent.

May be she's jealous of you - because you have your own place.

[salot]

Fair enough - she is lucky though and lives in a major city where it is significantly easier to find work

[Mol1628]

I would much rather have my own place than be living with my parents.

[ElizabethLemon]

£800 pm outgoings is pretty good for London if you're earning a decent amount.

[ovenchips]

But everything is good for you too!

Jealousy is a deeply unattractive emotion. I wouldn't be so unattractive over such a trifling issue.

[myownprivateidaho]

Surely you have career and life goals beyond having a higher disposable income than your mate? Concentrate on them.

[Gottagetmoving]

YABU for comparing what you have with what she has.
If you have enough to live and be comfortable then be grateful because many people don't.

[DoubleCarrick]

Maybe it's a slight teething issue? It's hard settling down in a new city and will take time for you to find your feet.

Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say.

Give yourself some time. Don't be too hard on yourself and enjoy your new adventure. Good luck!

[BorpBorpBorp]

I think if this kind of thing upsets you, your take home lesson is to not talk about salaries among your friends.

And to remember that a lot of graduates can't get a graduate job at all.

[BorpBorpBorp]

And think: would you be happy living with your parents? Would you be happy living with her parents?

[TheNaze73]

YABVU

[Borntoflyinfirst]

When I first moved in with DH I was so envious that one of the group of friends on his side was already married with a baby. Years later I had a conversation with the wife about this. Turns out she was envious of myself and another friends because we 'still worked and had something to talk about'. The third one of us was envious of me because I met and moved in with then df while she was with her oh but not yet moved in together. So in actual fact we were all envious of each other. Try not to be jealous of your friend - there always another side to it.

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

YABU but you know this so just need to wok on getting over it.

[CashelGirl]

You are being VU. Your incomes and responsibilities are going to each wax and wane over the course of your careers. Concentrate on what you have and enjoy the fact that you both have a disposable income.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

OP, I don't think you're being totally U to feel a mite jealous, but OTOH your independent way is better, IMO.
I hope your friend is saving the money she's not spending on rent/food/bills. I don't think parents do kids any favours by letting kids live for free once they're earning. I have seen a couple of dds' friends come to grief over money, because they had never learned to manage it even when earning quite well - never appreciating the cost of roof/food/heating/hot water - parents providing these for free for far too long.

Parents can always save the money for them, if they don't need it themselves.

[Panicmode1]

Envy is the thief of joy.

Who knows how things will work out - when I was a graduate surveyor and earning about £14k, a few of my friends were working in the City; some of them didn't go to uni and were already earning £100k, but having met their colleagues, there's no way on God's green earth you could have paid me to work in that environment....even if I would have liked their salaries! Horses for courses.

If you enjoy your job, and you're being paid, and you're living independently, you are winning compared to 1000s of people who would love to be in your position....try and feel proud of what YOU have achieved, and don't worry about what others are doing - you have no idea how life will turn out!

[TattyCat]

Age, experience and maturity will eventually lead to you stopping making these comparisons. It'll never do you any good if you constantly compare salaries and jobs with your peers.

I don't know when people started sharing salary information, but I wish they'd stop it. It's personal.

[serin]

YABU. Life is not a competition.

[ScaredFuture99]

Yep being there like a lot of other posters.
Saying you are being stupid or that jealousy doesn't look good doesn't help. You know that already.

What I would advise is to look at like through the eyes of your friend. Her REAL life, not the the little paradise you want imagine.
She is still at home, having to deal with her parents and struggling to get/keep the independance she had as a student. She can't keep a lot away from her parents who will want to be involved in her life, just like when she was a teen.
She is in a big town in another industry but is it the industry she wanted, does she have the same prospect of progression etc...

And then have a look at your life. Have you achieve what you wanted? Do you have the type of job you wanted (I assume so if you did all internship etc in that area as a student)? Etc...

What you will notice as you get working is that you and your friend will take different directions and maybe not towards what you expected.
I trained as an engineer. Most of my friends from Uni are still working in that field, some at quite high level, some in research etc... I don't. I am now working in a completely different evironment.
I can look at it saying that I am jealous and I have really not done so well. Or I can look at what I have achieved, whether I love my job, what I see as important etc...

So have a hard look. If you had the opportunity to go back to your home town, live with your parents in the same industry than her, would you take it? Or woud you prefer to stay where you are?
Not everything is about disposable income just now.

[Judydreamsofhorses]

I totally get this, OP - and while I realise it's not attractive to be envious, and not usually rational, I suspect many people have felt a twinge of it even if they've not admitted to it. I think the key is to acknowledge how you feel to yourself, then move on without it impacting your friendship. You can't change the way you feel, but you can change what you do about those feelings.

[rightsofwomen]

OP, why is your bf lucky? I presume you had a choice as to where you could work.
You should probably stop discussing your salaries.

[shovetheholly]

Oh dear, you used the word 'jealous', which brings out a knee-jerk reaction in half of Mumsnet, which generally winds up in a whole bunch of cliches, including 'count your blessings' and 'there are worse problems' and 'the grass is always greener' and 'life is unfair'. I'm half minded to sit on this thread and play bingo.

Of course it's not fair that some people get loads of help and support (practical, financial, emotional) from a family and others don't. YANBU to notice an inequality here. Be prepared to encounter loads more - and far more corrosive ones - as you age. But I'm not here to tell you to put up and shut up - I think campaigning for a fairer world is a really important thing. Maybe rather than focusing negatively on your friend as an individual case, you could focus on more systemic things like the outrageous cost of housing in London, the erosion of the "right to the city" and the way people and businesses are being forcibly moved out. Those battles are your battles if you want to stay, and there are campaigns confronting them.

[SomethingOnce]

Yeah sorry, I was going to suggest a blessing-counting exercise.

Or 'mindfulness' if you prefer.