..to think OH should get out of bed(36 Posts)
background - OH has not worked consistently since March (did 3 weeks in the summer) ... seems to have been depressed for a while. Drinking far too much, sleeping erratically, mood swings. I work FT in a board level high pressure job, maintain all bills.
current situation - 3 months pregnant, tired, very stressful time at work, trying to move home, still paying the bills, stressed to the point of having skin problems and trouble sleeping. OH is addressing his drinking and has gone to some AA meets and group therapy sessions.
Gripe - OH thinks its fine to lay in bed till around 09:00 most weekdays, later on weekends. To me I understand he is depressed but I feel like this is just a huge 2 fingers up at me if he cba to get out of bed to even check I got out the door ok, to even to say have a nice day. I suppose I'm just tired of shouldering all the responsibility for life in general?
Says he is depressed and I should be 'more supportive of how he feels' ... I say I'm fucking knackered and may not be depressed but am highly stressed but can't take MY foot off the pedal and let us just be homeless.
What to do ....
I hate to say this, but why did you get pregnant at this point? He was already unemployed and depressed. Are you planning that he should take care of the baby?
9 isn't that late and especially when someone has depression. If he had a physical health issue then I'm sure you wouldn't resent him so much - mental health issues should be treated the same
9am doesn't seem that late to me when he technically has nothing to get up for but I can see how you would like him to make the effort.
But given all your problems, and the fact you have become pregnant while all this is going on, getting out of bed seems to be the least of what is going on.
Is he actually seeing somebody about his depression, even if it is a simple NHS referral, because that's where it needs to start from if there is to be any progress.
Also need to get this sorted asap because if he is going to be a stay at home parent he really needs to be in a mindset where he can put the child first (and of course get out of bed at a moments notice). (I say this as someone who has depression, works full time and has a toddler, so I know it's a lot easier said that done)
Money isn't this issue its about supporting each other.... just feels a bit onesided
He's dependent on you in every way, isn't he? And at this point in your life when you're expecting a baby, you're wanting to be with someone who will be a support rather than a dependent.
I'd be amazed if he got up at 9 and stayed up all day, frankly.
How is him waking before 9am supporting you though? It doesn't mean you get a lie in.
Tbh I don't think I'd be in this relationship however you are and whether to remain in it doesn't appear to be a concern to you.
I get that he should be doing shit loads where possible to support the house and general life but he has to wake before nine in some sort of act of solidarity to you? That's odd.
I didn't mean money was the issue. It's just that having a baby with someone who's both unemployed and depressed is very difficult.
Has he been to the GP about his depression?
I sympathise with him to some extent because depression can be really crippling. When I was at my worst, I could easily stay in bed for days at a time. I didn't wash or bother with anything because in my mind there was no point. After a month or so on AD's and some professional help, I was already feeling much better.
So while I understand that depression can be awful, he needs to get all the help available. He's not a single man - he's married and has a baby on the way. He doesn't get to wallow while you carry him.
Was the baby planned?
1littleOne1 - I can imagine its very very hard. Doing a lot in terms of docs visits, group sessions, alcohol treatment, making the bills a none-worry. I suppose I am resentful in that I am near breaking with it all and have no option but to keep going. I suppose I just think that getting up and starting the day and facing challenges together would be a step forward
How do you even know what time he's getting up? Surely you're not there?
I understand that things are really hard for you, I really do, but you have to try to think of depression as the illness it is, not the choice that you imagine it to be. If he had broken his leg would you see him not walking as a personal slight on you? Changes in sleeping patterns are a common symptom of depression, and while having clearer set routines can be helpful, just getting up earlier isn't going to do much for him.
It's unclear whether he's seeking help for the depression - if not, this has to be your priority. I think it is reasonable to tell him that you can't continue to take all the responsibility while he makes no steps towards getting himself better. What isn't reasonable is expecting him suddenly to be better. Again, this is an illness, and recovery isn't a straightforward thing.
I really do think that you're fixating quite strongly on the getting up, now that I've read your second post. My husband and I almost never get up at the same time - in term time (he's a teacher) he gets up nearly an hour before me; in the holidays he's normally still in bed when I leave the house. I don't think this would be the huge issue it's become if you weren't seeing it as a focus for your wider stresses and strains.
What hermione said - he needs to show you he is trying. Yes mental health should be treated as seriously as physical - if he couldn't work because of a broken leg but wouldn't go to the dr for treatment that would not be ok so why is this. He needs to work towards being in a position to contribute and op needs to feel that effort.
"1littleOne1 - I can imagine its very very hard. Doing a lot in terms of docs visits, group sessions, alcohol treatment, making the bills a none-worry. I suppose I am resentful in that I am near breaking with it all and have no option but to keep going. I suppose I just think that getting up and starting the day and facing challenges together would be a step forward"
All I can do is sympathise. I kind of took on your role and his in a way, as I was doing all that (minus the alcohol) while trying to pay the bills and get through the day.
I really don't know what to say, but given what you have wrote, yes maybe he should be getting out of bed, for himself as well as you.
I don't know why you got pregnant but that's nobody elses business, but you need to consider how he will manage the constant stress and attention to a newborn if he's struggling to get himself up everyday...
Oh sorry X-post - he is being treated? In that case 9am isn't drastically late, I'm on ML but no baby yet and get up at 9am while dh gets up at 7am.. Does he do the housework etc?
He should be medicated for the depression if he is not, and of course should not be exacerbating it through drink.
Thanks All, we are seeing someone. I have attended the initial meets with the GP and kicked and stamped for referral as I can see he is not well. Not getting up, not washing, get caught up in spending major time on really small insignificant tasks, drinking, irritability one minute very sweet the next (and not in a manipulative way) It's not so much a show of solidarity in getting up - it's more just I suppose realising my life is tough too, and some days I can't face the shit I have going on at work, but having someone wave you out the door with a hug makes a diff, vs someone laying in bed and you just having to suck it all up and go on solo
Depression is a bitch. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.
Has he been to the docs about it? If he hasnt could you arrange a home visit or make an appointment for him and go along with him. If he is depressed he will need a lot of support.
If he isnt depressed and just lazy then a frank conversation is needed. If he isnt going to get a proper job and support you and the baby then it might be better if you split.
9am isnt that late. On my day off i dont get out of bed until after that. My ds even has to get himself up and ready for school on his own that day.
.... to answer a few questions.
I see him get up at 9am as some days I work from home...
He is seeing someone for both the depression and drinking
I think the drinking and depression are a vicious circle... self medicating, and onward slump
Its not about getting up at the same time / together its more just getting up to acknowledge things have to be done, and if they we just lay in bed there are real and frightening consequences.
Thanks for all the responses, I do agree I need to be supportive.....which I why I explained the depression vs just saying he's a lazy shit. I'm just tired
I think you're doing amazingly keeping the show on the road OP. Unfortunately he will probably be dominated by hopelessness and malaise right now and just not be able to see a positive future worth getting up for.
Is he making progress in treatment? Can you see any improvement? I think that's the key - as long as he is moving forward I would let it lie but if he's just stagnating then it's not ok.
I get it OP.
It would be a small act that would go a long way for him to make an effort to talk to you in the mornings before you hit the treadmill. I have depression and in my worst stages I just couldn't get myself up. There was a mental block that just refused to let me think logically and certainly not considerately. I was quite selfish (unknowingly) when my depression was bad. Is there something he could look forward to in the mornings that would inspire him to get up? Like a walk round the block before anyone else was up so he had the streets to himself? Or a really nice breakfast? Even if he could see his way to eating with you one morning a week it would be a start.
Unless your pregnancy was unexpected I think you were both irresponsible in getting pregnant at this time in your lives.
Your partner is currently depressed, drinking and unable to live a normal life. You are out all day in a stressful job.
Him getting out of bed and waving you off is least of your problems. Sorry to be so blunt.
If he can't look after himself he can't look after a baby - you need to be looking at day care for your baby.
I don’t work and my DH is the one going off to work and it would never occur to me to wave him off or even speak to him before he goes. I am always in bed when he leaves and i get up when i want. At the weekends we can both have lie in if we want.
What does he do while you are at work? Does he take on all the household chores, cooking, laundry etc? If he is keeping the household running then that would seem fine to me. If he expects you to do this on top of working then that is not on.
I suppose thats what I want. I'll keep the plates spinning but just feel so fucking alone and up against it...... the treadmill is a good analogy. And in truth the pregnancy hormones arent helping my 'supportive front' I guess.
Why on earth are you having a baby at this point??
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