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Aibu about limiting time with grandmother?

(52 Posts)
UpsyDaisy23 Sun 07-Aug-16 21:29:36

Sorry this is so long , I'll be grateful for any advice ,even if I am being unreasonable! Bit of background info,I've never ever been close to my mum and I moved out of her house at 14(so did my younger sister but that's another story!).She refused to let me see my siblings once I'd moved out and I took her to court but she repeatedly didn't turn up so I gave up.
She made contact when I had my first girl at 17 and since then has actually been quite helpful. She's a better Nanna than a mum.For the last year she has had my girls (7&5)twice a week because they go to a school in her hometown and it helps me out a lot,but the last few months she's made excuses again and again not to bring dd1 home and it got to the point dd1 was staying for 4 nights a week.She'd never tell me if any of the girls got party invites or anything until the day of the party and then she'd tell the kids that I'd not taken them to friends parties AGAIN.She is really friendly with all the school staff because me and my siblings all went there and she is always calling them by their first names and acting confused as to why I don't know who she's on about,she contacts them on Facebook too to try and prove me wrong about stuff like school holiday dates and such. She never admits she's wrong.
Anyway the problem is she has never had Ds1 on her own and anytime I ask her to babysit/see him she always says no because 'he hates me' and that he's too young but she happily takes my cousin (her niece) out regularly who is the same age (2)and I keep saying that he'll never get used to her if she doesn't make an effort with him. She's always taking the girls on days out and he's starting to realize he's being left out.Last week she took the girls and my cousin (her niece) to the circus,when I realized my cousin would be there too I asked whether she was taking ds1 and she got huffy and hung up. I text her saying that is the very last time the girls get a treat from her unless ds is also involved . So she said fine she'd take him to the soft play this week. Then today she's decided that on Thursday she wants to take the girls to a climbing wall and ds to a soft play (all in same place) BUT that I have to go with them to watch ds in the soft play whilst she goes with the girls. I said I can't because I'm actually meeting a friend but that I'd ask their dad to go and she's proper kicked off saying 'it's not good enough 'she's not going with him and if I don't go then she's cancelling and I have to give her the deposit money she's paid 🙄
I'm really upset he is such a loving little boy and I don't know why she wouldn't want to spend time with him ! So now I've backed down and said I'll go and watch ds at the soft play even though the whole point was for the kids to be treat equally ... My question is would I be unreasonable to try and limit the amount of time we all spend with her ? I always feel undermined and it's obvious that she is only in contact with me to see the children,for example she's had bbqs and invited the girls and all my siblings but told me and my husband that the invite into her home only extends to the kids.The girls are always telling me I'm wrong about things and that I'm a liar because Nanna said something differently. I really do appreciate the help she has given me in the past year but if she isn't willing to make an effort with my youngest then I don't really want her help anymore . AIBU?

RandomMess Sun 07-Aug-16 21:36:16

You need to wake up and realise that your Mum isn't a "good" Gran she is clearly being manipulative.

Let her have your DC once a week after school and that is it. It wouldn't surprise me if she is angling to have your dds move in with her at some point...

honeysucklejasmine Sun 07-Aug-16 21:38:57

She is not a good Gran. Find alternative childcare if need be.

UpsyDaisy214 Sun 07-Aug-16 21:48:00

I've applied for the school local to me in the hope that although it's not as good a school, I won't be relying on her anymore.She does actually make jokes about how I moved in with her mum when I was a teenager , so tbh it wouldn't be all that surprising if she did like the idea of my daughter moving in with her

Amelie10 Sun 07-Aug-16 21:54:32

It sounds very messed up. Why would you allow someone you took to court to have so much interaction with your children. It's not right how she treats your son. She isn't a good person At all.

MidnightRunner87 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:04:53

I would be limiting contact to minimal and only with me present. She sounds toxic and is undoubtedly manipulating you're children probably with the intention of them choosing her over you in future. My children would never go to a party that I or their father wasn't welcome at either, how rude of her! I would stop her having them alone immediately.

Planty18 Sun 07-Aug-16 22:08:22

I would find this pattern of behaviour really worrying. She is manipulating your children and leaving your son out. I would be reducing contact or having contact when you are there too and finding alternative childcare if you need to.

trafalgargal Mon 08-Aug-16 00:18:20

Sounds like she likes girls not boys (do you have brothers as well as a sister ?)

I'd restrict it to one night a week at her max and crack on with the school move. The school can only communicate about the kids to her with your permission but I guess that route won't work if she's a named person to collect them.

trafalgargal Mon 08-Aug-16 00:21:15

As for the invites , if you and your husband aren't welcome then neither are your kids , you're a package deal. All or none.
You really need to stop using her for childcare Asap

lalalalyra Mon 08-Aug-16 00:26:35

Sounds to me like she's trying to replace you and your sister with your girls, with a healthy dose of revenge on you.

My parents lost their children to my father's parents when I was 7. When my first niece was born they tried to do the grandparent thing, promised trips to the zoo, promised babysitting help, but their primary motiviation was exercising their "rights" against my brother. Thankfully my brother's then wife spotted it very quickly and culled any contact.

She's not helping you, nor is she a good gran or changed character, if she's refusing to return your daughters, telling them that you are a liar and trying to cut you from family events with them. She's very blatantly normalising a family that does not include you or their father (or your son because he's too young).

outputgap Mon 08-Aug-16 00:26:55

This sounds awful. I wouldn't let someone like this near my kids. Your poor ds.

Creampastry Mon 08-Aug-16 06:27:02

What a cow! Your poor ds. Please put a stop to this now.

43percentburnt Mon 08-Aug-16 07:04:47

I would only allow contact if I was present. I would seek alternative childcare starting September and tell her the day before school starts that she no longer needs to collect them. You need to get a grip on this quickly, she is manipulating the girls, making you out to be the bad guy (party's being missed), treating your son differently.

If she was a rubbish mum why would she make a good gran? If she doesn't respect you, their lovely mother, she shouldn't be spending unaccompanied time with them.

blueturtle6 Mon 08-Aug-16 07:10:35

Massive red flags. I'd be stopping contact asap, and certainly no visits without you and dh present. BUT please deal with it sensitively for the children, who will not really understand why gran has disappeared

cexuwaleozbu Mon 08-Aug-16 07:38:00

Sorry this woman is not good for your children. You have to put their best interests first and keep them away from her. Obviously that will mean paid childcare but their wellbeing is too important to sacrifice for money.

coconutpie Mon 08-Aug-16 07:43:52

Sounds like she's trying to play the role of mother hen here. She sounds so manipulative - I wouldn't be allowing the girls spend all this time with her anymore unsupervised. Your poor DS.

coconutpie Mon 08-Aug-16 07:45:54

Also - she's trying to turn your DDs against you with the whole party invite thing. She's toxic. As somebody else said, she's not a good gran either.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 08-Aug-16 07:52:08

You are right to be alert to the fact your son will begin to feel sidelined. You say she has helped out a lot but it all seems to be on her terms.

Personally I would not allow this behaviour to continue as she may suddenly take a dislike to one of your girls when they get older and completely cut them off the way she did with you.

Why did you move out when you were so young?

StuffandBother Mon 08-Aug-16 07:58:05

Ooh this post gives me the chills confused she certainly has an objective here and I imagine she will have laid the seeds of you not being a great mum with the school and anyone else who will listen. Do you need her to help with childcare or is it just more convenient? I wouldn't rush into anything but start making plans to emancipate all of you from her, the new school is a good idea but be careful if they are settled that your mum doesn't use it to try and turn them against you 'mummy is making you move to and leave all your friends' ... Good luck OP

OTheHugeManatee Mon 08-Aug-16 07:59:19

She is not a good person. She is working on alienating you from your children and I suspect is planning on taking their care over from you. That is seriously fucked up. Move their school ASAP and let her have contact with your DC only with you present, if at all.

Dandelion6565 Mon 08-Aug-16 08:20:25

Take back control.
Move schools, limit contact to when you are present.

She sounds scary.

JudyCoolibar Mon 08-Aug-16 08:28:19

You really should have put a stop to this as soon as she started the blatant manipulation with parties etc. I agree with others, move the girls to a school that is easier for you to get to and stop relying on your mother for care.

snowy508601 Mon 08-Aug-16 08:34:35

I am not getting the sinister overtones here at all!
It sounds alike she helps you nd your family enormously.She probably takes the niece to even things up with your other sibling and to insist that she takes a fourth child (2 or whom would be 2 years old) by herself (so you can meet a friend is very selfish.
Why don't you think of all the good things she does instead of looking a gift horse in the mouth and dreaming up ludicrous motive.

Iloveowls2 Mon 08-Aug-16 08:36:44

Omg. I'd be stopping contact and getting something on record with the school so they do not allow your DM to get information about DC or take them from school. I highly suspect when you limit access you might get accusations about your parenting from this horrid woman so get in first. Get a child minder to collect from school. She sounds like she wants to punish you for the past.

Coconutty Mon 08-Aug-16 08:41:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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