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To ask about the logistics of being no contact when there's an unavoidable family event?

(27 Posts)
Wishfulmakeupping Mon 25-Jul-16 07:50:10

Nc with sil and recently mil I can give the back story if needed but needless to say I had to just stop seeing them as their behaviour towards me wasn't going to change.
Anyway I've been able to easily avoid general parties etc as sil has been quite clear that if we went she would not be civil even if our dc were present.
Anyway there's a family wedding in the planning and Dh's gran is very poorly and we've been told she doesn't have long left- if you're nc with certain people (inlaws or your family) what do you do when there's a wedding or a funeral?

MajesticSeaFlapFlap Mon 25-Jul-16 07:54:16

You don't go.
See granny as much as possible elsewhere

Joinourclub Mon 25-Jul-16 07:57:44

Don't go. If their behaviour is unreasonable then there is a chance they would make a scene and that wouldn't be fair on the couple or Granny. Is your husband nc? Can he still go without you?

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 25-Jul-16 07:59:35

He's nc with his sister but still sees his mum and our dc still see his mum (nan) every couple of weeks

Fairylea Mon 25-Jul-16 08:00:58

You don't go. Just make up some unavoidable excuse or come down with convenient food poisoning. Then see the relatives you do want to see when you can.

LizKeen Mon 25-Jul-16 08:02:54

You go and you stay away from them as much as possible. You be civil should the need arise.

Once it is over you resume your NC.

I have vast experience. That is how it has always worked for me.

TheNaze73 Mon 25-Jul-16 08:08:26

You see the grandmother on your own but, you don't go to the event

branofthemist Mon 25-Jul-16 08:21:41

Personally for a funeral I would go for the service and leave straight after. No going to the wake.

For a wedding I either wouldn't go, or go and stay well away from them. If you have to be near them. Be civil and that its.

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 25-Jul-16 08:52:20

I think the wedding is going to be the one where it could really be tough if they've been drinking and I've got dc there just seems like that one I won't be able to go to and wouldn't want Dh to take the dc as the treatment of them is why I've gone nc in first place plus they would think nothing of starting on my Dh in front of the kids so that's that really isn't it but I'll be the wicked witch again in the whole family's eyes its hard when the rest of the family don't know everything that's happened and think I'm just a stroppy cow iykwim sad

Jackie0 Mon 25-Jul-16 08:59:29

First of all you need to stop worrying about what anyone thinks.
Secondly they are all avoidable .
Going nc is a huge deal and you commit to it or you don't

mrsfuzzy Mon 25-Jul-16 09:07:05

wouldn't go, but see gran on her own. life is too short for the other shite.

JenLindley Mon 25-Jul-16 09:13:36

I'm in a similar situation except it is my own extended family rather than inlaws. Initially i was terrified of attending family events and would avoid where possible, but now I go and keep my distance and thankfully they keep theirs. I do still prefer not to attend if possible though. It puts an atmosphere over the whole thing for me.

ChicRock Mon 25-Jul-16 09:16:35

If the reason for no contact is their treatment of your children, then why on earth are your children still seeing these people? confused

lalalalyra Mon 25-Jul-16 09:21:06

I go, stay civil for the sake of the host and then leave. No scene (& if they start that's their doing, not mine) and no need to change anything after.

Porcupinetree Mon 25-Jul-16 09:23:30

We're NC with DH's family and when in was only with his Father we simply did not attend any occasion he would be present.

Thankfully now we are NC with the whole bloody lot, makes everything better grin

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 25-Jul-16 09:24:05

Really complicated * rock* they haven't mistreated my dc as such but Dh sister wasn't happy when our dd was born and he wasn't seeing his dn as much so she snubbed our dd and went batshit at my Dh since then mil has made it clear that our dc are not as important to her as her other grandchildren- she made no effort when my youngest has been in and out hospital and when we got married she refused to speak to me and cause dc numerous arguments beforehand.
So much drama over the last 3 years I've just gone nc.

Dontlikejam Mon 25-Jul-16 09:36:05

Do you want to go to the wedding? If so, go. Stay sober, politely acknowledge. Let them get drunk and mean. Its them who will look like knob heads.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Never mind granny, you can her separately.

Nocabbageinmyeye Mon 25-Jul-16 09:36:37

I have been nc with pil for a few years now, dh still sees them and so do my kids. I don't go to their house nor they to mine, we go to other social occassions on neutral territory and now are civil, to the point of hello and can sit in a group and not speak but not not speak - if you get me. But it wasn't always like that either and dh has a very close relative that would be elderly so I did wonder what I would do in that instance and I decided I would go because I like the rest of his family and am very fond of this relative but I would be discreet, stay to the back and just support dh but being aware that I didn't want my presence to cause any upset, so I would do the same if I were you.

I would worry less about the wedding if I were you, generally people like that don't want to lose face so will probably act like the innocent party and do nothing do they don't look bad

Goldenhandshake Mon 25-Jul-16 11:01:52

I go, I just do not speak to or acknowledge the presence of those I am NC with, no need for scenes etc.

Wishfulmakeupping Mon 25-Jul-16 17:21:32

I may just go when these evebts arise and hope for the best

MadamDeathstare Mon 25-Jul-16 17:54:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleCrazyHorse Mon 25-Jul-16 19:06:44

No personal experience but just thinking about it, I'd not take the children if I did attend. If it goes batshit then it's much quicker for you and DH to leave without scooping up kids and their stuff. I'd want to minimise any disruption to the event even if it meant me leaving.

If this is the first NC big event, then you and DH and can see how the land lies. If it goes okay and is polite, then next time you could consider bringing the children and simply keep your distance. Depends on the kids really, I would be concerned about them inadvertently escalating something and it then affecting them (e.g. being massively told off or adults starting arguing after they do something). Not their fault but I wouldn't want to put my kids in that position and would keep them away.

FaFoutis Mon 25-Jul-16 19:10:42

My most recent one was a funeral.
I went and stayed away from him at all times. I had a plan to leave if he started speaking to me.

If it was a wedding I wouldn't go.

Puzzledandpissedoff Mon 25-Jul-16 19:15:46

I had this with my exMIL, so when my lovely FIL died I went to the funeral, sat at the back and left immediately after the service

Could you do similar and sit at the rear of the church/venue? No need to attend the reception if you'd rather not, but at least you'd have been there on their special day

coconutpie Tue 26-Jul-16 12:21:56

Did you post about this before? This sounds familiar - your SIL's reaction to your DH about not seeing DN as often.

If your MIL has said all that nasty stuff about your DC, then why on earth are your DC still seeing her? Why subject them to that blatant favouritism? It is not fair on your DC to be told (and they will be at some stage by MIL) that they are not as important as SIL's DC. I would go completely NC with MIL and SIL, and that includes your DC too. Protect them from these nasty horrible people.

Don't bother with wedding etc. See the gran outside of these events on her own.

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