To say enough is enough with birth mum

[SarahJane333]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. I was adopted as a baby and found my birth mum when I was 17, my adoptive parents were a bit odd throughout my childhood (to say the least) and went batshit. We tried to keep the relationship going but it didn't work and we haven't spoken for a few years now, I think both sides are ok with this.

I'm now in my early thirties, my birth mum has three other daughters, all of whom live with her and are between the ages of 10-25, she was actually pregnant with the eldest before my adoption was final. I've got 3 children of my own, she never sends any of us birthday cards, never calls and very rarely messages through Facebook. I had a baby 5 months ago and other than a message the day of her birth have heard nothing, I've messaged a few times but had no reply. She's a good mum to her other daughters but not to me, at all. She makes no effort and is not there for me either as a mum or a friend. I live very far away and am in her 'area' once a year. Meeting up is always an issue, she's busy, she'll arrange for us to go there then be out or have friends over or need to go shopping. This year I messaged her months and months ago giving notice of when we would be there and she finally replied today to say she's busy for the 2 weeks we will be over, lots going on, has booked a holiday, will try to squeeze a day in to see us.

I'm devastated and fed up. Have no extended family and feel alone and a bit pathetic. I'm also sleep deprived and exclusively breast feeding the baby so accept I may be acting a little self indulgent and pathetic.

I suppose I'm just gutted that I will never have decent relationships with my sisters, have a mother who will not give me any of her time or energy and upset for my children who have almost no grandparents.

I think it's time to send a reply along the lines of saying enough is enough and that if she can't treat me in a better way we will have to leave the relationship. What do you think?

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

I'm really sorry but I think that's for the best. How awful for you though.

[LizKeen]

I think the best thing to do would be to just leave it. No "final" message or anything. Because I think deep down you want to send that so she will react and apologise and realise what she is missing, but she won't and it will leave you feeling worse.

I don't have the same background as you, but its feels slightly similar in the end result of being isolated and let down. IME its better to walk away quietly.

Do your sisters want to have a relationship with you outside of your birth mum, or is that not possible?

It sounds really tough, I am sorry.

[Crispbutty]

Can you build any bridges with your adoptive parents? You dont give much info, so obviously its just a suggestion without knowing any of the reasons.

I was adopted as a baby. I made contact with my birth mother too, and although it was ok but not fabulous. She sadly died two years after we met, but I am glad I made contact and met her, and didnt leave it too late.

It must be very difficult to be in your position, seeing your siblings treated the way you want your birth mother to treat you. It does sound like your birth mother doesnt really want to build a relationship, but also doesnt want to be hurtful by telling you that. Perhaps just quietly stop contact, and rather than saying or doing anything which will completely close the door, just leave it in their court to contact you. They might, and you have to prepare for the fact they might not.

I deeply understand and sympathise. Both my adopted parents are dead now, we didnt always have the most fantastic relationship, but as I have got older, I can understand the way they were a bit more, and know that my attitude at times was probably hurtful to them. I miss them both very much and in my eyes and my heart, they were and always will be my parents.

[JustMarriedBecca]

I'm so sorry. I'm also adopted and I think you should just walk away. This woman isn't your family, she could be a stranger in the street. She didn't wipe your nose or dry your eyes when you fell over - she didn't deserve your love then and she doesn't now.

Focus on your children. Make sure they know how loved they are and try and make peace with your parents. I understand they must have been very upset by your rejection of them and search for your biological parent (I can't bring myself to say mother).

[SarahJane333]

I had a very good relationship with my eldest sister but my moving away has affected that. She is also fiercely defensive of everything my mother does. I think it would be very difficult to continue our relationship if I 'officially' walked away from the relationship with our mother, they live together and work together, although I would try. The other two sisters are too young for independent relationships at this stage.

I definitely do feel a need for 'closure' on this and have allowed the poor treatment to continue for so long that I almost feel a real need to finally stand up for myself and stop being such a bloody doormat.

[Goingtobeawesome]

If you need to send a message saying you clearly don't want to make time for me so I'll leave you alone. Then do.

Or just don't contact her again.

I'm sorry you've been let down like this.

[Meemolly]

I'm so sorry to read your message. I can't imagine how painful that must feel. I wish you the best.

[ChocolateJam]

Can I suggest that you ask MN HQ to move this thread to the Adoption board? There are other adoptees who post there as well.

I'm so sorry that your BM is not there for you and that your relationship with your adoptive parents have fallen apart. I agree with the previous posters, just let it go. I very much understand the desire to do something that signifies the end of the relationship but that might destroy any hope of a relationship with your sisters in the future.

[user1468488303]

She's a good mum to her other daughters but not to me, at all. She makes no effort and is not there for me either as a mum or a friend

This is going to sound harsh in text...but she's not your mum. And she's not your friend either. You were adopted and someone else became your mum.
It's very common for this kind of thing to happen when adoptees meet birth parents, its rare they find the relationship they expected to or hoped to.

[Cosmo111]

Could you not focus a relationship with your sister ? Meet up with her and just keep your relationship at arms length with your mum?

[Ohlalala]

Would trying to contact her to meet up one last time be worth a go? In case she does say yes, you could perhaps have a proper face-to-face conversation about this(if you think she is the kind of person who will be able to deal with it)? Either it will make things better, or it will provide proper closure if it doesn't work out?

[SarahJane333]

It's ridiculous, I understand she's rubbish, she treats me badly and is not there for me but it sort of feels like she's the last chance at an extended family. I think stupid thinks like if my dh died who would I have to be there for me? Or if I died who would actually go to my funeral?

Oh god, I probably sound mad now aswell.

[NervousRider]

Horrid thing to realise but she gave you up for a reason and has made it clear that she doesn't want a mother/daughter relationship with you.

I think you need to come to terms with that with some help of counselling before it eats you up inside.

You might be able to then have a distance relationship as aquantances so you stay in touch with your siblings

[Spottytop1]

I wouldn't send a final message I would just not contact again and move on with your life. So sorry you have had to experience this.

[SarahJane333]

I had a chat around 3 years ago saying that the relationship wasn't working for me and she was hurting me with her lack of effort/interest - she promised to try harder.

I know she's not my mum or my friend, was just trying to explain that she isn't fulfilling either of those roles.

[PhoenixReisling]

You are (or were) not a doormat, you wanted a relationship with your BM and birth family.

Sadly, her actions speak louder than her words. She may say the right things, but she makes excuses/forgets when you arrange to meet.

I think you should back away, contact her less and less until there is no contact. Concentrate on your own family now.

I would also contact after adoption ( link below), to see if you can access some counselling etc. Please remember, that often in adoption when a child and a BP reconcile, it is not always a happy ever after; it is often problematic, as the child can remind a BP of a time they would like to forget and the gulit they feel/felt.

www.afteradoption.org.uk/

[CocktailQueen]

Huge sympathy, OP, it sounds like a very difficult situation and I can totally understand why you feel that way. You don't sound mad at all. Congratulations on your baby. and have some from me.

If you did write a 'final' message to your mum it might bring closure in the short term but could there be long-term ramifications? Could you write it but not send it? And in your head think the relationship is over? And definitely prioritise your relationship with your sister.

[EdithBouvierBeale]

So sorry you feel this way. I can only imagine that some people who have to give up children can only cope by putting up barriers. Maybe, she feels guilty or desperately upset by her past decisions, and the only way she can cope with it is to ignore and not face you. Please don't feel this is a reflection of you in any way.

[Wolpertinger]

I don't think you sound mad at all, in fact I think the reaction you have is completely sane and to be expected given the parenting experiences you have had. Advice to post on the adoption board is excellent as I suspect that sadly a lot of posters there can share your experiences and give you support.

I also think you would benefit a lot from counselling about this, which is much more likely to help you with the 'closure' that you are looking for than sending your BM a letter or trying to have it out with her - unfortunately she simply isn't the woman you were hoping for and doesn't see her role (mother or friend) in the way you do. I think there is a chance though for you to keep in touch with your birth sister/s if you wanted to but it would be worth exploring what you wanted from this carefully before you again got your hopes dashed.

[EssentialHummus]

Nothing to add that others haven't said but for you. It's really tough. You're doing great.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm an adopted child too. I'll be up front and tell you that I never wanted to seek out my birth mother because her decision to put me up for adoption was 100% the right decision for her and for me, given her circumstances at the time of my birth. Partially because of that I decided that I would respect her decision and never try to find her. I'm grateful for her decision and it's the only way I have to express that gratitude, by respecting her decision.

It could very well be that your birth mother really didn't want to have you back in her life. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel but I can't think of any kind way to put it. The fact that the relationship appears to be pretty much one-sided sort of bears that out. She may have felt guilty and that's why she's made a few half-hearted responses but otherwise has remained silent. Obviously, if she doesn't want you in her life it would have been better to be honest with you when you found her, but that's water under the bridge now.

It seems to me as if you're expecting her to fill the place of your (unsatisfactory) parents. She chose to not be your mother when she gave you up, and it's unfair of you to expect her to be your mother now.

Honestly, I'd just let her go. No 'final emails', no 'standing up for yourself'. She doesn't owe you anything, including an explanation of why she doesn't want a relationship with you. She made a decision to give you up for adoption (again, just as my mother did) and you need to respect that decision.

Again, sorry if my post seems harsh but I'm speaking from my heart as an adopted child.

[TheUnsullied]

I feel for you OP, it's not a nice situation to be in.

I don't think the final message will help you though, even for closure. Because she either won't respond or she'll defend her attitude or she'll promise to try harder again and it'll drag this out longer. For whatever reason, she doesn't feel any kind of maternal pull to you and she hasn't bonded with you as a member of family in the abstract or even a friend. That's no reflection on you.

[Gottagetmoving]

Could it be that your birth mum is feeling shame or guilt and trying to avoid meetings? Perhaps a part of her wants contact but she can't cope with her feelings?
People can act very weird if they have conflicting emotions and feelings. Only she can decide to do something about it.

[SarahJane333]

Yes that is a bit harsh, she was searching for me at the time and has always said how pleased she is I found her. We have had periods of spending considerable time together, it's not as though I've been getting one worded replies for the last 10 years and just carried on pestering her.