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AIBU to ask how you moved on from a miscarriage?

(37 Posts)
HighHopes16 Thu 14-Jul-16 14:51:21

It's been two weeks since we found out our baby's heart had stopped beating and I've not yet managed a day without crying. sad
I just want to go back to the happy naïve stage of ttc for the first time but I feel like all our hopes and dreams have been shattered.
I know it will take time but I'm asking for tips on how to move on and be positive for the future?

AsthmaAndAutism Thu 14-Jul-16 14:58:59

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

I can't offer much advice in the way of 'moving on', I lost my baby at 12 weeks and it was probably one of the most heart breaking things I ever went through.
I found it helpful to remember my baby, rather than move on quickly. For example, DH got one of the stones in my engagement ring changed to a pink sapphire, which would have been our baby's birth stone.
We remembered the due date and took our DS out for the day and spent it as a family. If we didn't have DS, I think we may have gone away for the weekend to spend some time together.

It's been a year since our loss, and it's still something we think about, so my biggest advice is to not let people trivialise it. If someone says 'oh it wasn't meant to be' or 'things happen for a reason', don't be afraid to call them out and tell them you need support, not for it to be shunned to the side like it didn't matter.

Hope you can find what you're looking for flowers

DoubleCarrick Thu 14-Jul-16 15:01:43

It's such a horrible, awful thing to go through. I had a mmc last summer about 8 weeks before my wedding. It was the darkest time.

Some decide to try to get pregnant soon after their mc. I took the decision to wait until after my due date. I named my baby. I cried, cried and cried some more.

Grief is normal and healthy although it's fucking shit.

I also.bought a teddy for the baby and it's on my bookcase.

Look after yourself and allow yourself as much time as you need

Pinkheart5915 Thu 14-Jul-16 15:02:35

I had a miscarriage then a stillbirth the following pregnancy, and I think you just have to let yourself cry and be upset it's a natural process. Another thing I found was doing something for the baby I got a poem candle with babyPink on it and lit in the evening it helped me. After my stillbirth DH named a star after the baby which is on the wall in the bedroom.

Talking about it to your partner can be helpful too, I would say don't ignore the subject

Honestly it won't feel like it now but it will stop hurting, your always remember but it does hurt less.

flowers

DoubleCarrick Thu 14-Jul-16 15:03:46

X post with asthma. I'd agree, feel free to talk to people about it. I talk about it even now. People who care about you may not always say the right thing but let them know where you're at.

Dh also bought me a ring with the babies birthstone which I wear with my wedding ring

AtAt Thu 14-Jul-16 15:03:49

I know it's a cliche, but time. I lost my baby at 8 weeks, and one day is just started getting a bit easier each day.
I also bought an ornament for the garden for the baby. Some people plant trees or flowers as well.
So sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself flowers

Sighing Thu 14-Jul-16 15:06:54

I am very sorry for your loss flowers.
It did take a few days for the tears to stop for me. Then a couple of weeks to stop staring at walls. But you just can't compare. Loss hits you so hard (and of course the physical affects are traumatic in miscarriage). Later other things (other people's babies, the return of periods, the sight of things you planned/ did buy.
The smack in the face of all of those does subside into a gentle tug of regret over time.

You need to not lay expectations on yourself. Get out when you feel like it. Be gentle, steer clear of unpredictable books/ films - go with what you know. Give 3 yourself space.
Talk to your partner. A lot, share in rl. I didn't have enough people able to do that for mc1.
For the future - statistics are on your side if this is your first loss.
Make use of tge miscarriage/ pregnancy loss forums - especially if you decide to ttc again at some point (or indeed if that's not for you).
All the love x

neolara Thu 14-Jul-16 15:07:36

I'm sorry you lost your baby.

I think with time you will feel better. I had 4 mcs. It was rubbish. By the last time, I knew it was mainly just waiting out the pain. Took a couple of months each time.

michy27 Thu 14-Jul-16 15:07:42

I had a MMC in April (well, found out in April that baby's heart was no longer beating). Had two weeks off of work and it got easier after that. I found talking about it helps. It's such a non talked about subject but is so common. I still have the odd moment, but it's rare.

Feel free to PM me for a chat if you like.

CaptainCrunch Thu 14-Jul-16 15:09:00

I lost 2, one at 6 weeks, one at 12. Time is the only healer. Two weeks is nothing op, give yourself a break. It does get better.

One thing I realised I had to accept was the experience made me a different person, it was pointless harking back to who I was before, I was a new version of myself. Not sure if that makes sense but it helped me move on.

Sighing Thu 14-Jul-16 15:10:11

Oh yes. I have a tree. It's so big now. I will soon plant it properly in the garden (it's on a planter). It's a place to talk to "them" if I need to. I also make an annual donation to a women's refuge in their names.

YorkieDorkie Thu 14-Jul-16 15:10:39

2 weeks is such a short time OP, no one would expect you to have moved on by now and grief is such a personal experience. I'm so very sorry for your loss flowers keep your family and friends close.

leedy Thu 14-Jul-16 15:18:04

What everyone else said - look after yourself, feel whatever you need to feel (angry, sad, just weird, whatever - nothing is "wrong"), take time off work, don't feel you can't talk to people about it.

I had a m/c at 12 weeks between my two sons, and I found a TTC after a loss thread here was incredibly helpful when I did decide to try again (for me that was a cycle or two later, what feels right for you may vary) - the lovely folks there understood what I was going through, and the whole loss of innocence about TTC, and were just generally great. I'm not sure if there's a similar thread now but maybe look for one when/if you're ready.

HighHopes16 Thu 14-Jul-16 15:22:41

Thanks everyone - some lovely ideas and I'm so sorry we have this in common. flowers We're moving house soon so I think a tree might be a nice thing to plant in it's memory.

DH has found it difficult to express his feelings about what has happened so I feel like I need to find a way of moving on as I don't want to keep putting a downer on things.

MooMooCowFace Thu 14-Jul-16 15:30:22

Sorry about your miscarriage. thanks

Everyone deals with it differently. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and I can't say it bothered me much. I had a cry as I was understandably dissapointed but I didn't feel sad for very long. I certainly didn't feel I had lost a baby as I believe my pregnancy wasn't viable IYSWIM - I think it would have felt very different to me if I had a later miscarriage. I didn't do anything to remember or morn a 'baby'. My DH, family and work colleagues were all very sweet to me but not in a way that I would have felt was over the top. I only had a few days off work although they would have been fine if I had taken longer. I wasn't trying to be brave, I was just doing what was right for me. I would have felt worse sitting at home.
I know that it's perfectly normal to be more upset than I was and I really appriciate that everyone reacts to things differently but I think it's useful to hear that it's also OK and normal to not feel overly upset. You have to do what works for you.

smellsofelderberries Thu 14-Jul-16 15:36:21

I had a MMC in January and the way I coped was by throwing myself back into TTC. It was a dark time and there was a lot of stress around other potential health issues, which thankfully came to nothing in the end. I wished we had had a garden to plant a tree, but we don't. My due date is August 1st, we have a beautiful calendar up in the kitchen and I plan on taking the picture from the month of August and popping it in a frame when we tick over into September. I'm now almost 23 weeks with my second pregnancy, and while this pregnancy hasn't been without its own stresses, I have also found it very healing to have a healthy pregnancy.

ArcticMumkey Thu 14-Jul-16 15:38:24

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and it took until my DD was born in January for me to feel 'over it' (although I still think about the child that could have been) and it did overshadow my pregnancy. What you're feeling is completely normal, allow yourself time to grieve. If you feel ready to ttc again soon then do, there's no right or wrong. We waited until my cycles went back to normal which took 5 upsetting long months but I do think in hindsight that I needed that time.
It helped for me to be open and talk about it with my friends, I've not kept it secret from anyone.

I second what others have said about talking to your partner, my DH was devastated and needed as much support as I did.

HazelBite Thu 14-Jul-16 15:49:38

I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks, it was very traumatic at the time and immediately after I felt "better" as I had been bleeding off and on for days, upset and fretting and at least that was "over". People were very kind to me especially those who had experienced similar.
However about three months after I fell apart crying every day, I felt very stupid as I thought I should have gotten over it. A friend who was a midwife told me it was very common and was down to hormones/delayed reaction and just to be kind to myself.

I must admit to not being able to look at obviously pregnant women for months after and I did not think about another pregnancy until I had put all those feelings to bed.

I had a happy outcome, ( I sincerely hope you will too) my next pregnancy resulted in the safe birth of two beautiful healthy boys.

flowers for you OP

Clueless84 Thu 14-Jul-16 16:13:12

Sorry for your loss.
I had a mmc in sept 2014. I cried a lot, and talked a lot. Didn't really know what else to do, tho hubby was much less talkative about it.

I fell pregnant again in March 15, and now have 7 mo DS. The pregnancy brought out a lot of feelings, and I do feel better now DS is here, but not sure I'll ever completely 'get over' mmc.

Fingers crossed you're feeling stronger soon xxx

ghostyslovesheep Thu 14-Jul-16 16:22:51

sorry for you loss x

I coped by being practical and factual - I clung to the fact that lots of first PG's end in MC and it didn't mean I would MC again, I focused on the fact that I COULD get PG and I planted a lovely Budlia

I did Get PG again 4 months later and she's now almost 14!

I had a further 4 MC's and 2 more children - I have to say I didn't grieve much - I tried to keep going and focus on the future

DerelictMyBalls Thu 14-Jul-16 16:28:30

Talking a lot about how I felt. Talking and listening to my husband about how we both felt. I'm afraid you are not likely to regain that wonderful naivety of early pregnancy - for me, each subsequent pregnancy (I have had 4 MCs) was more anxiety-inducing than the last.

Talk lots, allow yourself to really feel your feelings (I know that sounds very Californian but I hope you know what I mean), give yourself plenty of time and understanding.

Good luck flowers

Snowflakes1122 Thu 14-Jul-16 16:32:59

So sorry :-(

Currently going through he same. I'm meant to be coming up 13 weeks now, but baby stopped growing at 11 weeks. In hospital tomorrow as my body isn't doing anything about it.

It's hard to know how to move on, but just be kind to yourself and talk about it to your dp. Don't bottle up your feelings.

You must allow yourself time to grieve for your loss. flowers

ElectronicDischarge Thu 14-Jul-16 16:35:21

I internalised a lot. Felt so guilty as I didn't know until it happened. And I'd just gotten flu. Guilt was my main emotion.
Many years on. I still think about the What If. And always take time to remember the anniversary .
I'm sorry I'm not more use. But thinking of you.

ShutUpLegs Thu 14-Jul-16 16:36:48

I am sorry you have experienced this - it such a difficult thing.

We had two miscarriages - each at 12 weeks. We had a wake - just the two of us. Went out for dinner and toasted the pregnancy and ourselves and had a wee cry. We just wanted to mark the end of that set of hopes and dreams.

Talking helped - sometimes we talked a lot, other times not. DH was often overlooked by others - lots of people supported me but forgot he'd lost a child too. To be honest, it was his support that helped me most - we pulled together. And we did take heart that we could conceive - I remember my GP saying that I could do the hard bit and that the rest could be helped.

Each pregnancy was more nerve-wracking until the one that finally worked out.

Keep on keeping on.

Mrs5boys Thu 14-Jul-16 16:37:50

I had a miscarraige (12 weeks) on Saturday just gone sad I have other children and to be honest I'm having to put a brave face on as except my husband no one knew I was pregnant ! Without going into detail I basically miscarried in the middle of the town center on a packed sat afternoon with my children with me !!! It was horrendous ! I'm still not sure how I've managed to just get on with things this week but I guess I've just had to ! What I'm saying is everyone is different , there are no right and wrong ways you have to deal with things in whichever way is best for you ! It's such a horrible and difficult time sad

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