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AIBU not to give her new chance?

(31 Posts)
KeepCalmAndRetreat Sat 02-Jul-16 22:36:52

My mum used to emotionally abuse me since I had my DC1 8 years ago. At least I feel the way she acted amounts to EA. I was trying hard to, talk, ignore, going NC etc.
Almost 2 years ago I got pregnant with DD and decided it won't do any good for my pregnancy, so went almost NC, but for her taking DS for a walk (DD was born a week earlier as a result of us having a raw over some shit).
She wants to get closer now. And I still cringe at the thought of some things she said or done before.
I loved her with all my soul when I was a kid. If it were somebody else I would go NC long ago. I pity her, know her traumas and some motives, just feel I'm breaking. I'd love to get back in our relationship, but don't feel I can without myself and kids suffering.
WWYD? Am I just selfish?

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sat 02-Jul-16 23:23:30

Wel, thanx smile Maybe I should try the love shower method and do not pay attention to her words. If that helps for teenagers, could help with adults

Becky546 Sat 02-Jul-16 23:26:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisnotausername Sat 02-Jul-16 23:30:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cookingongas Sat 02-Jul-16 23:33:53

I read but didn't respond- largely because you seem unsure of yourself. You're unclear, is she emotionally abusive? Always? Or only since you had children? Either way if she is a toxic presence in your opinion don't invite her into your life?

If she is emotionally abusive, am I right in saying you only allowed her access to your child on an unsupervised 121 basis "walk" with him? If so why? Emotionally abusive people are generally manipulative and children easily manipulated- bad combination.

I'm insure of what you are after from the relationship or the post tbh.

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sat 02-Jul-16 23:36:49

She gave my son juice before lunch (which always results in his screaming that he wan't eat anything). I got nervous. Contractions started. DS was born 3 weeks earlier when I've got frightened, so it felt quite similar.

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sat 02-Jul-16 23:43:16

She is known to tell me to shut up when we were discussing our home renovation with my husband, as I, apparently, didn't know what would please him.
Gave my son allergic food when he was developing some allergic reaction far from nearest hospital.
Told me she'd take my son from me if allowed by SS (I refused to spoon-feed 2 yo)

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sat 02-Jul-16 23:49:29

She's been like this with me since DS's birth.
She's never been mean with DS before DD was born (apart from feeding him sweets at odd times). She only pokes at him when DD is around.

Foslady Sat 02-Jul-16 23:53:25

If it's affecting your MH, or that of your children, then think carefully about how this could be in 5 years time.
The giving allergens I find very worrying.

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sat 02-Jul-16 23:53:29

It's my mum, so I'd love to keep her happy and loved smile On the other hand, I can't stand her. Give it a try or not?

shazzarooney999 Sat 02-Jul-16 23:55:45

she gave your son juice before lunchtime which caused your child to be premature??? what a load of twaddle!!!!!

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sat 02-Jul-16 23:58:29

It's been almost 8 years and by age 4 DS was diagnosed with mild ASP, as he wan't answer people, wan't keep eye contact, also when a baby, he was very good at it. I suspect, it's partly because of my mum's silent treatment and my not being able to look at her.

shazzarooney999 Sat 02-Jul-16 23:58:35

Gave my son allergic food when he was developing some allergic reaction far from nearest hospital.)))))))))) really and she would know what he was allergic to how????????

And Omg Told me she'd take my son from me if allowed by SS (I refused to spoon-feed 2 yo) why on earth would you refuse to spoon feed your child???? how exactly were you feeding him????? im not being funny but alot of this sounds like you......................

shazzarooney999 Sun 03-Jul-16 00:00:58

Dont be silly!!!! if a child has aprbergers if thats what your talking about it wouldnt make no difference to them!so how on earth did her giving your child a a drink of juice before lunchtime bring your labour on????? bearing in mind i have a child on the spectrum myself!!!! also where were you when she gave your child juice???????

shazzarooney999 Sun 03-Jul-16 00:02:50

so because your mum gave you the silent treatment you werent able to look at her???????? so you suspect thats why your child has aspbergers?????? has your child actually got that or is it you????? sorry but all this does not add up!!!!

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sun 03-Jul-16 00:03:10

* shazzarooney999* you made me laugh smile
Well, DS drinks sugary juice, then I put his lunch before him (healthy food I cooked). He screams (when younger, he'd beat himself on the head) and refuse eating. My mum triumphs as it proves I'm bad, she's good for the kid.
Repeat several years.

KissMyArse Sun 03-Jul-16 00:06:13

Have I wandered into the Twilight Zone?!

Benedikte2 Sun 03-Jul-16 00:09:28

Shazam - that's not very nice. OP said it was the row that she felt caused her early contractions. Rows often start for reasons that appear negligible to outsiders.
Keep Calm -- you would like to be nice to your mum but she appears from what you say to be toxic to your DC. If you consider their welfare maybe you should distance yourself or perhaps just see her occasionally by yourself. If anyone threatened to take my child I'd be very wary about letting them into my home. My XMIL told SS I beat my child despite the no smacking rule in our home -- hard to defend yourself against lies like that.
It seems she has developed emotional issues around the fact that you are a mother yourself now and she wants to lay down the law and take charge.

Lulu1083 Sun 03-Jul-16 00:10:22

Shazzarooney you need to step away from the question marks

OP I don't think that would have caused your labour but it can't have been a nice experience. I agree she does sound abusive, and undermines you as a parent. It's up to you if you think she can respect your boundaries

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sun 03-Jul-16 00:10:51

* shazzarooney999* chocolate is allergic food, she knows it.
I meant she wanted me to feed him, not give a spoon so that he ate himself. He was 2 years old.
When the juicegate happened, I was at bathroom washing my hands.

Ifonlylovewouldsavetheday Sun 03-Jul-16 00:14:29

Kissmyarse you n me both do do do do, do do do do .........

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sun 03-Jul-16 00:20:08

Benedikte2, Lulu1083, thanks for your kindness.
Sometimes she tries hard to get things better like now, so I feel i'd give her another chance.
But this time my negative thoughts outweigh and I feel really selfish.

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sun 03-Jul-16 00:36:13

Benedikte2 your XMIL sounds awful! Why would she do it?
To distance myself would be great, but she gets really unhappy about it. I think I'll call her more often instead of meeting in person.

KeepCalmAndRetreat Sun 03-Jul-16 00:57:31

shazzarooney999 DS is diagnosed with aspergers, but I beat myself that he was also exposed to such behaviour of close adults which didn't do any good for his issues.

Cookingongas Sun 03-Jul-16 01:20:26

Aspergesers or any asd is not caused by anything ( perhaps genetics excluding- though even that has yet to be undisputedly proven) no action, or circumstance made your child asp. Other than he was born asp.

I'm still no further forward re your mum and weather she is emotionally abusive. However your clear tension around and dislike of the woman is enough to go nc. Your children rent benefit from being exposed to the odd dynamic between you- regardless who is or isn't st fault for it- it's not healthy, certainly not when dragging children into it.
Good luck

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