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To be obsessing about the injustice of this?

(50 Posts)
WibbleWobbleJellyHead Tue 28-Jun-16 13:58:20

This may be very identifying so I be changed a few details around. But the gist is as follows.

I have two siblings. Several years ago my parents remortgaged to lend sibling 1 £XXk to buy a house. This was paid back within a couple of years and then reborrowed again a few years later, and then all paid off.

Around the same time as the second loan to sibling 1, sibling 2 'borrowed' the same amount, again this was funded with a remortgage. This has never been paid back.

Sibling 2 is now borrowing the same amount again to fund a house move. So my parents are remortgaging AGAIN to fund this. My sibling will be paying the interest only, but will have no way to pay back the capital. Unlike sibling 1 who had a plan in place (overpaying the mortgage and expected pay rises), sibling 2 is never likely to be in a position to pay this back. The amount owed is eye watering.

I do not understand how my parents think this is going to resolve itself. They are now lumbered with a sizeable mortgage in their late sixties. Their own mortgage was cleared years ago. I don't know the details but surely the mortgage company are going to call it in within the next few years? Where is this money going to come from? Unless they sell their own house and downsize which may be on the cards.

To add further fuel to my uneasiness, we asked a few years back if we could expect the same help as my siblings and was told very firmly that 'the bank of mum and dad is closed'.

I am looking for ways to rationalise this in my head but I am just coming up with rage at the unjustness and the idiocy.

Please help me make sense of it.

Somerville Tue 28-Jun-16 14:04:46

Its does seem very unfair.

Is there some kind of evening up of earlier life opportunities that you think your parents are trying to achieve?

The idiocy of their new remortgage is their problem and I think you should try not to take on that worry.

LillyVonSchtupp Tue 28-Jun-16 14:06:57

You don't have to make sense of it

It's an arrangement between your parents (who are presumably of sound mind?) and your sibling.

Nowt to do with you.

WibbleWobbleJellyHead Tue 28-Jun-16 14:09:10

It's not even at all. Sibling 1 is a very high earner. Sibling 2 has been able to buy both their first and second houses in their 20s. I do own a house but we did it by working up from a flat, to a small house and so on. Both my siblings have been able to buy family homes from the outset.

ChicRock Tue 28-Jun-16 14:10:30

It does seem really unfair.

Something similar in my DH's family and, when very gently explored, it seems that one sibling is considered to be less capable/more in need of help than the others - to the extent of having a house bought outright for them.

It's hard not to let it affect how you think of people, certainly when the time comes that the parents are less capable/more in need themselves we hope they'll be looking to those they helped, to step up for them, and not those they disregarded.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Tue 28-Jun-16 14:10:38

Just remember this if your parents come to you cap in hand.

Unless you burned the family home down or squandered the family fortune in your teens, your parents' attitude seems very unfair and short sighted.

AdjustableWench Tue 28-Jun-16 14:11:40

I agree that it's unfair (I think offspring should be treated equally), but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it, and nothing you can say to change their minds - unless perhaps you tell them you'll remember this if you're ever in a position to be arranging care for them when they're elderly. And that might be a bit mean but not necessarily unfair.

DiggersRest Tue 28-Jun-16 14:12:29

I think you need to ask yourself what your relationship with your dp is like - do you get on, spend time with them etc? I can't imagine giving 1 of my dd something like that without giving it to the other unless there was more to it.

CopperPot Tue 28-Jun-16 14:12:49

How did you buy your first flat?

hownottofuckup Tue 28-Jun-16 14:14:24

I'd stay out of it if I was you

WibbleWobbleJellyHead Tue 28-Jun-16 14:14:41

We all spend time together. I would have thought until a few months ago that we were really close. I am starting to have a bit of a revelation (other stuff going on as well) that I am the scapegoat. To the point I am slowly reducing contact.

WibbleWobbleJellyHead Tue 28-Jun-16 14:16:20

CopperPot, I actually didn't, DH did. But we bided our time there until we could afford a family home and scrimped and saved for a deposit.

HuskyLover1 Tue 28-Jun-16 14:16:57

A mortgage has to be repaid by age 70. So I am struggling to understand how they have managed to re-mortgage a sizeable sum in their late 60's. They would have to be able to show the Mortgage Co, that they can afford the repayments and that it would be cleared in a couple of years.

Anyway, perhaps they are justifying this by thinking that they will leave the rest of their assets to you and Sibling 1? Would the assets left, if sold and halved, work out that you and sibling 1 ended up getting roughly what Sibling 2 has had?

WibbleWobbleJellyHead Tue 28-Jun-16 14:18:01

And actually, sibling 1 had a healthy deposit of their own from hard saving. My parents' contribution was to add to that. Sibling 2 has never had savings.

WibbleWobbleJellyHead Tue 28-Jun-16 14:19:25

There's been no mention of division of assets although I know they haven't changed their will to reflect the 'loan'. I don't know if they are planning to and haven't wanted to ask.

Asprilla11 Tue 28-Jun-16 14:22:01

What you need to do is arrange for sibling 1 and sibling 2 to have an 'accident' so you get all the money! shock

Joke grin

milliemolliemou Tue 28-Jun-16 14:23:43

OP I agree if your parents are in their right minds it's nothing to do with you, however unfair. They may indeed be thinking of making sure everyone is even at the end. Are you in a position to talk with sibling1 without sounding querulous or getting angry? and asking if sibling1 if they are happy with the re-mortgage and parents' future financial safety and ability to afford care? Are your parents thinking that you've achieved in your own right but sibling2 needs help for whatever reason?

And is there any reason why your parents should have been unfair in your mind? Or the timing of your ask for their help?

AllegraWho Tue 28-Jun-16 14:25:14

The idiocy of their new remortgage is their problem and I think you should try not to take on that worry.

Not necessarily. Me and my partner spent the last decade helping my parents keep their heads above water with the huge mortgage they acquired trying to make.up for the fuckups of my eldest sibling.

To add to the injustice of it, the middle sibling was NC with both me and our parents thanks to believing the eldest sibling's version of events.

My parents managed to eventually get out of debt just before Mum died, through selling off a part of their house, and middle sibling re-established diplomatic relations with us all just in time.

We still ended up paying for Mum's palliative care in her final illness, because Dad couldn't.

Families can be complicated.

WibbleWobbleJellyHead Tue 28-Jun-16 14:26:52

Sibling 1 is furious about the Sibling 2 situation. It's completely different, sib1 had spreadsheets and contingency plans. Sib2 hasn't paid the first mortgage off yet and is borrowing more, plus getting their own mortgage at the very top of what they can borrow.

Dontyoulovecalpol Tue 28-Jun-16 14:27:15

It's very unfair. I think you should ask your parents.

whois Tue 28-Jun-16 14:27:53

Wow yes that does sound very unfair.

1 sibling borrowed money and paid it back.
You asked to borrow money and were told 'no'.
Other sibling has been GIVEN two large chunks of money.

Unless there is something wrong with that sibling (innability to work e.g. through dissability) I can not see why they would do this?

WibbleWobbleJellyHead Tue 28-Jun-16 14:28:58

Nothing at all wrong with sib2. Other than being firmly in the Golden Child role.

SweetieDrops Tue 28-Jun-16 14:29:22

I think YANBU to feel upset at the unfairness of it all but you need to find a way to stop obsessing and move on.

I wouldn't worry about your parents' finances and how they will repay their remortgage, it's not your problem, if they have to sell up and downsize so be it. Sounds like sibling 2 will get a shock when they have to stand on their own two feet.

WeekendAway Tue 28-Jun-16 14:30:00

Your parents are utter fools.

Dontyoulovecalpol Tue 28-Jun-16 14:31:44

My parents got a mortgage to 75 but they had to sign an agreement that one of them would continue working until then. That was a v small mortgage to fund something else, probably only about £50k. I don't know how you do it if you've already given up work, maybe there are still some equity release companies still out there?

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