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To be sick of being asked if I just got married.

(35 Posts)
PeppaTheFirst Sat 04-Jun-16 21:27:33

My divorce came through a couple of weeks ago and I have started the long process of changing all official things (bank/store accounts/dvla etc) back to my maiden name. I am sick to death of chirpy voices and simpering smiles asking 'ooh have you just got married?' I don't wear a ring nor do I look particularly happy when doing these tasks. But even if I did look (or sound) deliriously happy surely the professional thing to do is to smile, ask for the appropriate documents and then make the judgement as to how to proceed with small talk. Reason was domestic abuse (not something a great deal of people know) - taken a long time for me to accept things and put the wheels in motion. Just been going with it but all set to give the next person to say this a right mouthful! Am I being a bit over-sensitive?

jayho Sat 04-Jun-16 21:30:09

Say 'im reverting to my maiden name's stops comments.

Been there, feel your pain....

WorraLiberty Sat 04-Jun-16 21:34:50

You would be unreasonable to give the next person a right mouthful, yes.

People who work with the general public make friendly/polite small talk. They're not particularly interested in your answer anyway. They're just being human.

SavoyCabbage Sat 04-Jun-16 21:37:11

I think I'd just say 'yes' because they are just making small talk. That's what I said when people asked me if I loved living in Australia. They aren't really that interested so if you say yes that's the end if it.

flappingbingowings Sat 04-Jun-16 21:40:57

Yes you are beng over sensitive.

Seahawk80 Sat 04-Jun-16 21:53:58

I don't think you're being over sensitive. I work in a job where I speak to lots of clients and my full name is on their files. When I got divorced (from someone who wasn't violent but who regularly verbally abused me and left my self confidence in tatters) I was amazed at the number of people who congratulated me as they just assumed I had got married. I was quite young (31) so I can see why they did but it made me feel even worse that I was divorced at the age many people marry.
Don't just say yes, just explain calmly, I wish I had rather than just saying yes to avoid embarrassing them. I've since remarried and this time kept my maiden name just at work as I learnt that I prefer my private life to be private from clients

Sorry for what you are going through. As someone who has come out the other side things do get better and you've done the right thing flowers

Sighing Sat 04-Jun-16 22:12:38

It's a bit dim of them really. With a high divorce rate there must be a lot of people reverting from married names. I've changed my name thrice in my life, fortunately none of the people dealing with those changes have been so impatient as to not surmise from the paperwork the approach best taken.
flowers and well done, shuffling off a name that was tying you to someone abusive is a step for your own headspace. flowers

PeppaTheFirst Sat 04-Jun-16 22:22:36

Thanks Seahawk, Jayho and Sighing. I am in mid-thirties and I think people naturally assume that because of my age I must have just been married - especially when I once had my toddler with me at the bank (had no choice but to take her that time). Take your point, Worra. To be honest probably would never have the guts to actually get angry at anyone face to face(just seethe inwardly) - think I just feel as if I have spent the last couple of years having to justify my decision and these comments all caught me by surprise. I tend to say quickly 'it's actually a divorce' and hand them the document which stops things pretty quickly. The last stage in the process I suppose so I will suck it up for now!

acasualobserver Sat 04-Jun-16 22:26:33

Answer in a completely factual and dispassionate way: "No, I'm changing my name because I've divorced my husband as a result of domestic abuse."

I've a feeling that might put an end to further conversation.

Euphemia Sat 04-Jun-16 22:28:40

I went through this aged 27/28. I used to answer "No, the opposite," with a wry smile, when asked if I had just got married.

acasualobserver Sat 04-Jun-16 22:29:06

Sorry ... slow typist. You can ignore me!

MrTCakes Sat 04-Jun-16 22:32:17

I've been getting this too since my divorce. At the bank the woman said "oh did you get married? Congratulations!" I said "No, I did the other thing. But please congratulate me grin "

MadameDePomPom Sat 04-Jun-16 22:36:29

Congratulations on getting yourself out of your abusive marriage OP flowers. You probably are being overly sensitive but so what, it's a sensitive time! I can understand why you're feeling peeved at all the 'have you just got married?' questions but just do as a pp did and brightly say 'actually no, the opposite!'.

MadameDePomPom Sat 04-Jun-16 22:37:43

And remember, a lot of people in customer facing roles are forced to make chit chat. Poor sods.

cestlavielife Sat 04-Jun-16 22:39:27

Hold your head high and say you divorced for good reason... you are a survivor and can be proud.
Give yourself a "divorced and moving on " party withinn your head or with few friends and stand tall.

Crispbutty Sat 04-Jun-16 22:42:54

I got my decree absolute two weeks ago too. It must be the way you are wording it as I've never had this problem. I say "I have got divorced and need to change my surname" people have said "oh I'm sorry" but I have replied "i am not" grin

Seahawk80 Sat 04-Jun-16 22:42:57

Yes congratulations OP! This is just the beginning smile

TheClacksAreDown Sat 04-Jun-16 22:45:31

I remember an acquaintance at work changed their name. I saw her in the lift and said "hey I can't believe you got married withour telling me!"

"I got divorced" she said.

I wanted the ground to swallow me up. So don't judge people too harshly.

Originalfoogirl Sat 04-Jun-16 22:46:50

Oh bugger. I've said this to folks before. It never occurred to me it could be a divorce. Thankfully (I think)I've always made the right assumption so far, so I've got away with it. I'll think twice about it in future!

DrinkReprehensibly Sat 04-Jun-16 22:47:56

I've been there too. It's annoying and awkward but I would say "No. I just got divorced but congratulations are still in order. Thank you."

BlackVelvet1 Sat 04-Jun-16 22:53:49

Would it help to tell people beforehand? Like "I am reverting to my maiden name so I would like to change my name"
Well done OP on getting out.

SecretRed Sat 04-Jun-16 23:02:15

I'm one of the 'poor sods' who work in a customer facing role in a bank. If I took what was said on here about checkout/bank/customer service staff I'd never ever speak to anyone (and get fired not long after)
Sorry that you're upset op, I myself have asked if a customer had got married when changing her name and was told no i've just got divorced. I'm careful to review the document now before I comment further!

MadameDePomPom Sat 04-Jun-16 23:04:50

I didn't mean 'poor sod' for working in a customer facing role. The 'poor sod' was aimed at this new trend I've noticed where companies seem to be encouraging their staff to make conversation with customers no matter what.

StrictlyMumDancing Sat 04-Jun-16 23:06:02

In between marriages I went through this. I was nearly apoplectic in the end!

-I'd like to revert my name back to my maiden name
-That's fine. We need your marriage or deed poll certificate with your new name
-I've just gotten divorced, you have my marriage certificate and I've not changed my name by deed poll. I have a copy of my decree absolute
-<scratches head> we need your marriage or deed poll certificate with new name

angrybird

No one batted an eyelid when I change due to marriage.

PeppaTheFirst Sat 04-Jun-16 23:18:30

MrT think I will steal that! Crispbutty, I have just been introducing the issue as 'Hi, I would like to make changes to my name/personal details' rather than immediately saying 'I got divorced'. I do realise that has probably directly lead to this issue, but I have had a difficult enough time admitting all of this to friends and family and just didn't particularly want to explain this to strangers. I get that that is my issue though and not the people who are just doing a job. I know so many of you are right - this is a very positive thing and I should maybe just be quite upfront about it. Thanks for the messages - makes a lot of sense - and some of them made me smile!

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