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to expect DH to give me half a day off?

(31 Posts)
angstybaby Wed 01-Jun-16 11:39:21

he thinks i'm expecting him to be a mind reader; i think: i said 'i'm really tired after last week, when you were away and me and all the kids had vomiting and diarrhoea'.

i don't think that's mind reading. i think it's expecting the person who loves you to a) listen to what you're saying (and i said it a lot) and b) want to do something to help you.

AIBU? He has taken the kids off this morning in a huff so i've got what i wanted but now feel like i'm being punished (the kids were whipped out the house this morning without the chance to cuddle them) and that he's cross with me (he was v grumpy with me this morning)

Pearlman Wed 01-Jun-16 11:41:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedACleverNN Wed 01-Jun-16 11:45:07

Not all men can understand hints. Sometimes you have to be blunt

"I'm knackered after last week! Will you take the kids out so I can catch up?"


monkeywithacowface Wed 01-Jun-16 11:45:45

Why not just say "I'm knackered so it would great if you could take the kids out of the house for the morning"

Just say what you need/want and then if he refuses or gets in a huff you can legitimately call him an uncaring arse.

Seems a lot simpler than dropping hints and getting pissy when they go over his head

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Wed 01-Jun-16 11:46:13

Let him strop like a child,sometimes my dh whips kids out the house double quick, he doesn't mean anything by it just that from experience once shoes and coats are on any further procrastination means another 20 mins of 'I'm hungry; I need a wee; can I take this toy, or this one; WHY CAN'T I TAKE IT-I WANT IT' etc etc easier just to go as soon as ready. Enjoy your time don't let his attitude spoil it maybe talk to him later on when you're both calm

WorraLiberty Wed 01-Jun-16 11:47:02

Why throw hints?

Just tell him you need some alone time and ask him to take his kids somewhere.

Much easier all around.

Oly5 Wed 01-Jun-16 11:48:00

Be direct and tell him what you want

But it's certainly not unreasonable for you to get a morning off and him to take his own children out

RhiWrites Wed 01-Jun-16 11:48:24

I do think that's expecting him to be a mind reader.

I'd hope the conversation would go like this.
You: I'm really tired
Him: anything I can do?
You: could you take the kids out this morning so I can catch up on sleep?
Him: sure thing!

I'm guessing you just said your bit and expected him to do the rest? You do actually need to use your words when you're asking for something, even when it's a reasonable request.

And since he's done as you should have asked its a bit mean to complain you didn't have time to cuddle the kids first. They'll be back later. Cuddle them then. He's probably grumpy because you didn't say what you wanted.

Enjoy the time you have to yourself and don't waste it in a huff of your own!

angstybaby Wed 01-Jun-16 11:55:40


indeed, you are all right. expecting him to connect - i need a rest - with - let me give you a rest - was too much.

i guess empathy is not a male trait (though he will spend hours trying to figure out what his mother thinks: i mentioned this to him. his reply was: i've known her longer than you)

i will let him strop; he'll get over it. i feel better now - thanks all!

Pearlman Wed 01-Jun-16 11:59:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeywithacowface Wed 01-Jun-16 12:03:43

Well if you are as passive agressive in real life as you are on this thread no wonder he finds you tiresome hmm

Pearlman Wed 01-Jun-16 12:07:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

branofthemist Wed 01-Jun-16 12:08:34

If he is in a mood because you are expecting him to be a mind reader, I get why he is annoyed. I don't take hints, also with hints there could be more than one thing people are getting at.

Hints are annoying and Yabu. You are an adult if you want something, say it.

You say he has made you feel guilty, you tried to guilt him into taking the kids out. Just say what you want. Don't play games.

If he is annoyed he is having to look after his own kids then hibu, but the above still stands.

If we are both off in the holidays we do stuff together. I wouldn't assume dh would want and afternoon to himself unless he mentioned it.

branofthemist Wed 01-Jun-16 12:09:31

And also you didn't say 'I need a rest' or at least that's not what you put in your op.

That could be 'I am knackered so having an early night' or many things.

SmallBee Wed 01-Jun-16 12:11:10

YANBU to expect it but YABU not to ask for it directly. Some people simply don't do hints and need to be asked, there is nothing wrong with that.
I have to ask my DH if I want some time in my house to myself because when he is tired he still wants to spend time with DD and if I took her out the house to give him some peace he'd probably just come with us so as not to miss out.
Therefore it doesn't occur to him because it isn't what he would do.

Kitsa Wed 01-Jun-16 12:14:34

RhiWrites that requires him to say the "anything I can do" bit! - and if he did that he wouldn't need to mindread, would he? A little love and concern goes a long way and OP's Dh doesn't sound like he is trying particularly hard in that respect.

purplebud Wed 01-Jun-16 12:15:09

I have to spell things out for my DH - and sometimes he does the same for me. Simple requests - can you keep an eye on dd while I go clothes shopping? I'll take care of dd while you go and do your hobby' 'I'm tired/very busy/ stressed this week so could you give me a hand/extra hugs/not expect me to have got loads done '. Being able to for help without making the other person feel guilty is a really useful skill. It gets very hard if you are both exhausted.

monkeywithacowface Wed 01-Jun-16 12:21:22

Not really pearlman OP asked for opinions and got sarky when some people said she should just be specific about what she needs. If I didn't pick up on someone's hint and then had to deal with them being huffy and telling me I don't care it would give me the hump too

TheNaze73 Wed 01-Jun-16 12:21:57

needaclever is exactly right. Men don't do (as a rule) subtle hints. Be direct & ask

Pearlman Wed 01-Jun-16 12:26:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline Wed 01-Jun-16 12:36:45

I don't expect my dh to get subtle hints, I do expect him to pull his weight without being asked and I don't think this is unreasonable

Theoretician Wed 01-Jun-16 12:43:15

If someone said what OP said in her first paragraph my brain's spam filter would immediately file it away as a meaningless/unimportant utterance, mainly because it did not require a response. If you want something, say something that has a question mark in it, when written down. Otherwise you are just being hard work.

MistressDeeCee Wed 01-Jun-16 12:43:42

All this pandering to men nonsense advice. Jumping through hoops to get your wording exactly right so as not to be in the wrong or God forbid cause a strop is nothing worthy of emulating. People know when they're being selfish and inconsiderate, its a choice. Even where others are in denial of that

If someone is feeling tired and a bit under the weather then you can normally see and know that they are, ESPECIALLY if they've also mentioned it to you! Consideration wouldn't go amiss. & they're his children too so, he's in a huff about what? Having to spend time with them? Even knowing that you are tired and poorly, and that having been away for a week he hasn't even been able to spend much time with them? Wow. I hope they're not picking up on his reticence

I wouldn't take a blind bit of notice - let him huff, and have a lovely relaxing time getting yourself better. & if he tries to continue the huff and sulk "punishment" when he returns then don't be drawn into it at all, be calm and do whatever you choose to get on with.

Goingtobeawesome Wed 01-Jun-16 12:54:05

He'll never be able to know your mum longer than you so does that mean he'll never try and understand you, etc?

angstybaby Wed 01-Jun-16 12:56:39

to be fair i was being a bit sarky (sorry pearlman): 'expecting him to connect - i need a rest - with - let me give you a rest - was too much'. but not because i think posters are wrong but because i am pissed off that a normally functionally, intelligent man cannot connect the dots on something so simple and seems to happy to do it for his mother.

i get that men might find this harder than women but really?!! who can't see the link between someone saying they're tired and ill, and them actually needing a rest? someone you care about....AIBU to expect a bit more effort? is everyone else ok with their DHs doing this too?

plus, i'm also getting a bit fed up of having to constantly renegotiate the division of labour (we both work FT). things constantly slide back to where i'm doing more. (jeez, maybe monkey cow face lady was right...i have discovered a seething pit of resentment)

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