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To not want dd's father to work away for 2 years?

(38 Posts)
viviennewestood Tue 31-May-16 18:12:50

My ex, dd's dad, had been asked to work in the middle east on a 2 year contract. The pay is very good and he would be able to come back every 3 months or so but dd is not even 2 yet and I just think he would be missing out on so much. AIBU?

Bearbehind Tue 31-May-16 18:16:44

YABU- you don't get to dictate what your ex does.

Plenty of couples who are still together decide to sacrifice family time in the short term in order to earn well on a short term contract like this.

Your DD won't be missing out massively, it's just her life will be a bit different to many of her peers.

EatShitDerek Tue 31-May-16 18:18:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwfulBeryl Tue 31-May-16 18:20:08

Of course you're not bu to not want him to go. It pretty much means you're responsible for your dd for the next 2 years. I agree that they will both miss out too, even if other people do it.
Obviously there is nothing you can do about it, but your not bu to feel the way you do.

Crisscrosscranky Tue 31-May-16 18:20:49

YABU - you're not together anymore so you can't dictate where he works.

You're right - he will miss out but as another poster said your DD wont know any different so she will not and that should be your only concern.

viviennewestood Tue 31-May-16 18:22:37

I don't wish to dictate what he does and I haven't told him I feel this way but I want him to be sure about this in case he regrets it. It's not mandatory

NeedACleverNN Tue 31-May-16 18:22:57

Sorry yabu

He is your ex and it's his choice if he wants to miss out on his Dd

Bearbehind Tue 31-May-16 18:23:55

Him regretting it is no longer your concern though

blueskyinmarch Tue 31-May-16 18:25:27

Lots of kids have parents who work away for periods (thinking of Forces here or riggers). They seem to manage fine. If he sees her for good chunks of time every three months he won’t miss out too much and may be able to provide for her well as she gets older.

AndNowItsSeven Tue 31-May-16 18:26:39

At least he will be able to provide for her propertly.

ThatStewie Tue 31-May-16 18:27:03

I assume he will be increasing his child maintenance to reflect his newly highly paying job.

I do think this is something that you should discuss together. You can't just decide to spend 2 years working in New York without your kid. People would be all over you for dumping your kid on him without consultation. Massive double standard here.

Cutecat78 Tue 31-May-16 18:28:24

My OH is forces he's away about 4 months of every year. He works the other end of the country from his kids.

We see and have his kids more than my ex has mine and he lives 4 miles down the road.


AwfulBeryl Tue 31-May-16 18:30:21

I agree Stewie.
I have a friend who did this, he thinks it's ok because he Skye's his dd. What a dick. Obviously his ex couldn't dictate what he did, but it's a silly thing to do if you want a relationship with your dc.
You're dd probably won't remember him leaving, which means she won't remember him. Every 3 months isn't that long to see a parent.

civilfawlty Tue 31-May-16 18:30:34

What about the OP's right to expect help raising her child with her Ex? Why does he not have a responsibility to stay and raise his daughter?

branofthemist Tue 31-May-16 18:32:36

Yanbu to feel the way you do. And it's not something I would choose to do. But it's not your decision and it won't effect your Dd too much in the long term.

Hodooooooooor Tue 31-May-16 18:34:02

He's your ex. What is it to you whether he regrets it or not?

AwfulBeryl Tue 31-May-16 18:36:10

Because it has a huge impact on her life Hodor. (Sorry about the lack of ooooo grin)
There is nothing the op can do about it, but she should be able to be annoyed about it. I know I would be.

Nuggy2013 Tue 31-May-16 18:36:21

My DH works away, 4 weeks away and 4 at home. My DD is nearly 3 and I'm expecting DC2. YANBU to feel the way you do but YABU to potentially ask him not to. It's not easy, my DD doesn't know any different but still struggles to deal FaceTime/Skype etc. If you have a good relationship with him, maybe have a chat re: expectations b cause there's nothing harder than a toddler asking for their daddy and explaining they can't see him due to time zone differences/internet being rubbish etc

GinandJag Tue 31-May-16 18:37:30

You have to look at the positives of his new job, not the negatives.

Hodooooooooor Tue 31-May-16 18:38:43

Because it has a huge impact on her life Hodor

Then she should say so, and not dress it up with faux concern for the ex and how he might feel.

viviennewestood Tue 31-May-16 19:01:59

Just because he's my ex doesn't mean I don't care about him - we have a child together. It's not 'faux concern' confused

fiorentina Tue 31-May-16 19:13:40

I don't see why some people are being so negative with you. You're concerns for your DD and her relationship with her dad. Presuming he's quite involved at the moment it will make a difference to you both and your DD will miss out on visits from her dad and you will presumably miss some support/child free time. If he needs to do this career wise and it is beneficial it's a very tricky decision for him but ultimately is up to him I guess?

ThatStewie Tue 31-May-16 19:18:30

The comparisons with families who make a decision together are irrelevant to this. They have no bearing in a discussion where one parent makes a decision that will severely impact their ex-partner & child. They are NOT the same thing.

Hodooooooooor Tue 31-May-16 19:18:38

I don't see why some people are being so negative with you. You're concerns for your DD and her relationship with her dad.

Except she says it isn't, her concern is with him and his feelings.

WomanActually Tue 31-May-16 19:20:49

I don't think YABU to be annoyed, but you can't stop him. I guess all you can do is prepare and discuss plans to minimise any potential upset for dd.

The replies are a lot different to a thread not long ago where a mum was considering going to Asia for three months as part of her studying, she got a pasting, why did she have children if she was gonna leave them, her children should come before her career, her dd will think she's dead and grieve, her dd won't know who she is, she can't love her or she'd not be thinking about it etc etc, based on the replies so far it seems, there doesn't seem to be the same anger at your ex. (I dont agree working away automatically makes someone a shit parent btw, just found it weird how a Mum going away for three months generated a lot of anger from posters but a dad going away and only seeing his dd every three months doesn't.)

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