To think after 25 years together

[RosesandRugbyPlease]

My DH shouldn't have to be told by me what to buy for me for my birthday.

We have been together 25 years and he has never bought me a birthday present without me giving him the exact item complete with price and location of the item for him to buy for me. We only do birthday presents and not Christmas or anniversary to each other hence why this is annoying me

I've always caved in and given him the information he needs because if I don't he just buys garage flowers and chocolates his mother actually eats and not me which are crap presents with no thought.

We are yet again having the old 'what do you want me to get you' conversation and I'm struggling with not screaming at him to make a sodding decision himself politely asking him to choose something nice for me.

I've had a really long discussion with the Children explaining that I want them to think about what I may like as a gift and I'm not going to tell them anything about what I may want.

AIBU to just want him to take the children and buy me something they all think I may like?

[hellsbellsmelons]

I always tell my OH what to get me and we've only been together a few years!!!
He never gives me a clue and I am shite at getting him presents.
Of course YANBU but......

[SirChenjin]

I think I might be your DH I'm rubbish at coming up with ideas for DH - other than couple of occasions over the years I've always just asked him what he wants. Much easier that way - saves money being wasted on something he doesn't want and saves me time. Disclaimer: I don't have a romantic bone in my body.

[BillBrysonsBeard]

Isn't it just better to get something you really want? He hasn't managed in 25 years so don't set yourself up for being disappointed. Set an Amazon wishlist up with loads of stuff on and they could pick a few things?

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Mine doesn't bother anymore. He says I spend enough money as it is.

[RosesandRugbyPlease]

I hadn't thought of an Amazon wish list.
What I really want is him to choose something he thinks I will like. I genuinely don't have extravagant or expensive tastes, I'm actually quite plain and easily pleased.

I love roses and have been trying to fill the garden for years (he knows this as I've been getting him to gradually dig the turf up across the garden) but he can't even buy a rose for me without me telling him to buy me one. It's a nightmare if I just say 'a white rose' he will be on the phone asking me specific brands and names. I also coach rugby so anything rugby related always is received well.

He just says he wants to buy me something I will like but I would really treasure something he picked because he thinks I will like it.

I have a really funny key ring he gave me on our first date. I really love it, not because of what it is (fluffy devil) but because of why he picked it (he first saw me dressed as a devil at a party).

I'm getting garage flowers again I think. I really do want him to try this year, I know he can do it

[branofthemist]

Got to be honest I really struggle recently. With what to get, mum, dad and dh. I have pretty much bought them everything already in the past 25 years.

Dh asks me and I don't mind. But I can never think of anything for myself either

[Onlyicanclean10]

Tell him you want anything except garage flowers or chocolates.

Those are banned.

[RosesandRugbyPlease]

I think that's the best way forward onlyicanclean

[Joystir58]

are you critical if he gets it wrong, so that over time he's lost the confidence or heart to try?

[Cutecat78]

I would much rather ask OH to buy me something that I want rather than something I don't want.

One Christmas he asked me what I would like, I said a pair of diamond earrings. That was exactly what I got - no one was disappointed.

[PurpleWithRed]

I know exactly how you feel, but I also hate getting stuff I don't want and being expected to be grateful for it, so now I tell him what to buy me but he writes me a lovely card with really meaningful stuff in it as the 'thoughtful' bit.

[Okay377]

YANBU to want that, but if he's the type of person who just doesn't get it...it ain't going to change now. My parents were happily married for over 25 years and my dad once bought a waste paper bin for a present. But he loved my mum more than anything and showed that every day. Sorry that's super cheesy mawkish but there you are.

Make a list of 10 or 20 things you would like and tell him to pick one. Or just tell him 'please choose me a rose this birthday' and let him go from there. It's horrid to feel you're expected to do something wonderful/meaningful while not knowing what.

[Okay377]

Sorry op I just read your post again - if you say I want a rose and he bombards you with questions just serenely reply 'I want whatever you choose'.

[RosesandRugbyPlease]

No joystir he is a carbon copy of his dad. My mil told me he would be but I didn't think she actually meant it.

He says he doesn't want me to be disappointed but even when the children were little he would ask me what I want from them.

As a mum surely I want all those odd presents children like to buy for their mums but I don't have anything that has been purchased without me asking for it.

Im feeling a bit ungrateful now, I always get what I ask for but its just not exciting is it if you know what you're getting.

This year I'm asking for an Aston Martin

[PuppyMonkey]

"I've had a really long discussion with the Children explaining that I want them to think about what I may like as a gift and I'm not going to tell them anything about what I may want. "

You sound quite scary.

It's only prezzies, lighten up a bit.

[Excited101]

I second the Amazon gift list. Add the quick link button and you can add from any website and add details etc. Stick 20 odd things on there and they can choose (or be inspired) by it.

[limitedperiodonly]

I've been with my husband 27 years and I gave up buying him surprises after a few years and a lot of mistakes.

Conversely he's really good at presents so I'm always pleasantly surprised. If I wasn't, it wouldn't matter that much.

I hate having to guess what people want and prefer them to tell me. Just because I am unimaginative with presents doesn't mean I don't care for the person.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

If stuck, DH will usually get me perfume and/or earrings, both of which are perfectly nice and will be appreciated. However, if I see something I really want I reckon I'm doing both of us a favour if I tell DH and tell him exactly how to get hold of it.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Remind him how well he did with the key ring when he barely knew you...

[ThomasHardyPerennial]

Maybe he's worried about your reaction if you don't like the present he buys you? I'd much rather get something I actually want! Your discussion with your children sounds like some kind of horrible test. Blimey.

[limitedperiodonly]

Your discussion with your children sounds like some kind of horrible test. Blimey.

That's what I thought. IME people who say they are incredibly easy to buy for are the exact opposite.

[HappyNevertheless]

YANBU.
DH is struggling too but to be fair to him, he has learnt to be more careful and think of things.
he doesn't always get it right but he tries.

But then I am the one who struggles like hell to find something for DH.
His idea of a nice present are stuff for his hobbies (that I can't buy myself, it's a too specialist subject) or tools for DIY (Very specific again. I wouldn't dare buying something wo asking him first).

So now DH gives me and my parents a 'list'

What worked really well last year was him giving me details of something he really wanted. That WA back in August. I bought it for him at Christams by which time he had promptly forgotten! So it ended up being a surprise after all

[UpsiLondoes]

My friend's husband once told her to "gets herself something for her birthday from him."

She was mightily angry as she organizes all present buying including his family and the kids. But she said ok. And booked herself a stupidly eye watering pamper day at her salon (haircut, highlights, bathed in unicorn tears then wrapped in gold... You get the idea). She doesn't even like that kind of thing.

When he saw his bank statement, he had a small heart attack. She calmly explained he's got one gift to buy a year and the date is always the same. That was the price for not being arsed.

He's bought her thoughtful birthday gifts ever since.

Maybe it's time your tastes got expensive, OP.

[WhatTimeIsItCuckoo]

I feel for you OP as, although I'm not a materialistic type, I do like to feel appreciated and it's nice when my DH takes the initiative with gifts from him and the kids, which he generally does to be honest. It doesn't have to be anything flashy, I think it's just nice to know you've been considered and thought about. However I do know of people who have lovely, supportive partners who are just generally crap at gift buying/giving. I think some people are good/confident with it but some aren't. My husband's family for example are very much of the 'a gift is a gift no matter what it is' school of thought whereas mine put much more thought into their choices. I think it's probably nigh on impossible to change these mindsets though so as long as you feel appreciated in other ways, that's probably the main thing. The Amazon gift list is a great idea though and maybe point him in the direction of sites such as Notonthehighstreet which have some lovely, original/quirky things and a gift finder link that can be tailored to suit the person's hobbies/interests etc .

[DebCee]

The problem is, you don't just want him to think of something without you telling him.

You have decided that if he really cared about you, he would know you well enough to buy you a present that you actually want. Well, good luck with that.

It has taken me about the same amount of time, 25 years, to realise that my immensely pragmatic, unromantic DH does actually care about me a great deal. He very rarely makes a traditionally romantic gesture but is a brilliant partner in so many ways. I have rarely had an un-hinted for present that has thrilled me, but I do get lovely presents if I ask for them.

I have also learned from watching BF's DH think of a very personal present for her. Then spend an inordinate amount of money having a pair of silver earrings made for BF to his own design which I think she wore once then hid in the back of a drawer. Some men just shouldn't try to surprise their wives.

I'd strongly recommend the "glass half full" approach to marriage, so much more likely to get positive results than the alternative.