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I'm utterly done with dds behaviour

(39 Posts)
systemdone Wed 11-May-16 22:21:43

She is 13 and honestly she is horrendous. She is waiting to see camhs and has some learning difficulties but is high functioning. She is physically and verbally abusive and I have had enough. It hasn't always been like this, secondary school has completed changed her.

Tonight she has been utterly vile for no reason at all. She has been plain abusive and has sniped at me all night, scoffing and pulling a face when she thought I was getting upset. She laughed in my face, told me she hated me, I was nothing and a stupid snitch because I have told someone else about her behaviour. She has scratched me and ripped at my clothes. Banged on the floor and screamed because she knows the neighbour complains at me about it and she gets a kick from that and smashed possessions.

I'm a single parent, little support , nothing seems to work anymore.

I'm done.

AgathaMystery Wed 11-May-16 22:24:28

I'm so sorry - it sounds awful. Can you take her to the GP/ school help tomorrow? flowers for you X

SquinkiesRule Wed 11-May-16 22:24:41

It sounds awful for both of you. I hope Camhs see her very soon and get some help for her and some peace for you.

systemdone Wed 11-May-16 22:28:39

She won't engage with counselling at school she has refused.

I've been to the GP.

apple1992 Wed 11-May-16 22:29:34

I would go back to your GP. Have they given you an idea of how long you'll be waiting for cahms?

imwithspud Wed 11-May-16 22:29:36

That must be really toughflowers hopefully CAHMS get in touch soon. I wonder if something at school has triggered her behaviour? Along with hormones maybe? Hope you get to the bottom of it soon.

apple1992 Wed 11-May-16 22:29:52

Sorry cross post.

IHaveBrilloHair Wed 11-May-16 22:30:41

Cahms, ss, school guidance and the rest can get to fuck too.
DD is 14, she either knows how to behave and won't, or can't but won't accept any help.
I am no longer being physically and mentally abused in my own home.
She's here so long as there is no violence or threat of it, and so long as she doesn't go too far in her trying to piss me off.

systemdone Wed 11-May-16 22:38:18

I told the gp how desperate things were. She had been hitting, kicking, trying to bite etc.

Unfortunately they are swamped and we have been told we will be waiting a long time.

She smashed her headphones in temper tonight and then blamed me for making her angry. Because I wouldn't stay in the room to be hit by her.

SuburbanRhonda Wed 11-May-16 22:53:07

If she hurts you or damages your property, call the police and ask them to come round and talk to her about her behaviour.

It's not over-reacting - if she doesn't stop she will end up being in trouble with the police anyway.

Go back to your GP - if you don't keep on at them they won't think the problem is serious.

AskBasil Wed 11-May-16 22:55:05

Can you write to your MP, to complain about the waiting list?

You'd be surprised by how quickly that pushes you up it.

LuluJakey1 Wed 11-May-16 22:56:26

CAMHS have huge waiting lists now. So many services for schools have been hacked back eg school nurses, places in alternative provision sites, SEN pots, language and communication teams, ed psychs as well as school staffing so they have lost support staff who provided time and nurturing/ small group work , school counsellng etc. It is becoming a real crisis.

If children refuse to engage with CAMHS they will not persevere and teenagers often just refuse to turn up at all.

It is very tough for parents.

knittingwithnettles Wed 11-May-16 23:00:35

"secondary school has changed her"

You may be speaking truer than you realise. Could you phone her in sick, and just say that tomorrow and Friday she is staying at home. She sounds incredibly anxious, and school has a part in that. She is blaming you, because she has no-one else to blame for her anxiety about school and her life, and at that age, school IS your life, all your relationships, your self esteem, your sense of community. If that isnt going well, or if she is masking through school and holding it together but finding school incredibly hard work then YOU are getting the fallout.

And deciding to take her out of the stressful situation might be the only safe solution.

Ds2 has been homeschooled for the last two years. He has only just gone back to school with an EHCP for autism. One foot back in school and he said it was horrendous, the people were horrendous etc. Okay exaggerating, but it is like the scales had been lifted from his eyes by "living" away from it and "living" in a relaxed sociable fulfilling way for the last 18 months seeing people who didn't ostracise him or tell him to do work he couldn't do, or expect him to remember things he couldn't remember. And when he was at school he didn't seem so was only when he left that we realised how much happier he was away.

Have you thought about claiming DLA too?

knittingwithnettles Wed 11-May-16 23:02:29

btw, I think ds2 is going to make a go of school now and it will be much better (with the support he is now getting) but until we recognised the anxiety he was feeling and took him out of that situation and got him the right support, I cannot see how we would avoided a screaming trainwreck of a teenager

knittingwithnettles Wed 11-May-16 23:10:29

Often children will react by pretending not to care if you are upset, underneath they are incredibly frightened when you get upset, frightened by their own behaviour, desperate for you to be there (hence her screaming when you left the room) desperate for your attention whilst appearing to want you to leave by assaulting you. I once observed a child of five attacking his father when he picked the child up from school instead of the mother (who was a friend of mine and working away that week) I don't think the child was attacking the father because he disliked the father or because the father had done ANYTHING to deserve being attacked, the child was just expressing his incredible despair and frustration that the mother hadn't picked him up after a long day at school. He had no other way to express his anger and frustration at missing her.

knittingwithnettles Wed 11-May-16 23:34:59

I'm also probably going to be flamed for this because in the past on Mumsnet there has been dispute about this tactic or approach, but have you tried googling

Non Violent Resistance CAMHS. There are quite a lot of results (nothing to do with Mumsnet) eg: Oxleas CAMHS. It is a way of setting boundaries and increasing parental "presence" when dealing with violent children/teens. One of the things you mentioned was how angry your dd got when you had snitched on her, that is an aspect NVR approach deals with, how violence thrives on secrecy, the child has power over parent because parent is isolated, child feels even more powerless as a result, and even more demanding, situation escalates. No harm in checking out the site. thanks

minifingerz Wed 11-May-16 23:45:35

So very sorry for you OP. Please look after yourself.

We went through this with my dd for 3 years and it nearly broke me. If I hadn't had the support of DH and my wider family it would have broken me utterly.

My dd has come out the other side now at 16, and is not abusive and angry to me any more, but is severely depressed (we have just got back from hospital following a suicide attempt).

I ended up getting police and social services involved, and eventually this was useful. I phoned parentline more than once and sobbed down the phone. The teenagers board here is very helpful.

My worst mistake was withdrawing from dd emotionally while this was going on, and showing how hurt and distressed I was. It made her worse, not better. Try to stay strong and don't lose your position as the adult in your relationship. Don't let her reduce you to her level. Try not to cry in front of her. The more guilty they feel about how much they are hurting you, the worse they behave. Some teenage girls are natural bullies - my dd was/is. I allowed her to victimise me. Never again.

minifingerz Wed 11-May-16 23:47:42

I think Non violent resistance sounds very good. And the thing about all this awfulness thriving on secrecy - I agree. I let my friends and family know what was going on so they were able to support us properly. It made a difference.

maxmaxdress Thu 12-May-16 00:30:07

You need to call the police. They wont arrest her- they will however come round and have a chat with her about her behaviour.

A neighbour of ours has similar problems with her DS and until she started contacting the police nobody really believed how serious the situation was.

Its shit to do, no doubt about it, but maybe you need to be cruel to be kind

DistanceCall Thu 12-May-16 00:34:13

She needs a sharp shock. Call the police next time. And as other posteres have said, don't keep this hidden. It will shame her, which is exactly what she needs now.

systemdone Thu 12-May-16 07:03:04

Can someone please give me ideas of techniques used in NVR.

I understand the announcement, telling others etc but what do I actually do when she is in kick off mode?

systemdone Thu 12-May-16 11:27:25

Desperate bump

CheekyGit Thu 12-May-16 11:43:43

why has she suddenly changed since senior school> is everything OK there, she isnt being bullied and lashing out a home?

I would also kick up almighty stink about getting help.

Also as hard as it is remember this is her disability. she cant help it.

I saw program a while ago now about an extremely violent child, who had tried to kill his mother several times and she dreaded every day, they "they" managed to help enormously with specialist help and different strategies, it was a joy to behold, and I was amazed, he was off the scale, so I guess I am trying to say there is hope. flowers

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Thu 12-May-16 11:47:15

I would ask SS for help and advice. Other channels are taking too long, you can't be expected to go on like this. She needs to realise it isn't ok to be like this towards you.

mummymeister Thu 12-May-16 11:50:40

you call the police. you warn her now, when she is calm and quiet but at 13 she is above the age of criminal responsibility (10) and she knows exactly what she is doing.

tell her beforehand "if you do x, y or z that is physically violent to me again, I am calling the police because this is assault"

speak to the school and tell them that you are going to do this as well because if you do call the police they as likely as not will liaise with social services so the school need to be kept in the loop.

she knows her behaviour is unacceptable this is why she doesn't want you to tell people. so tell people, everyone involved with her. All the time that you are keeping this hidden you are enabling her. so don't.

I also think you need to keep your own emotions in check, however hard this may be. no raising your voice, getting angry or crying. she is doing it to get a response and so far every time she has done it she has.

it is a horrible, horrible thing to go through OP. get in as much help and support from friends as you can. tell the neighbour what she is doing with regards to the noise.

good luck

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