What happens when one nacissist is trying to deal with another?

[TattyCat]

Lots of threads about narcissism, but none appear to address what happens when one is trying to out-narcissism the other. We all know the traits and how to deal with it but what if you are one yourself? So, two people only concerned for their welfare?

[KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes]

I suppose it's like a boxing match.

They both either give up and sulk in the corner or a man comes along and intervenes.

Or the universe implodes...

[FlyingElbows]

Would a proper fully fledged actual narcissist waste their time with another one? There is nothing to be gained there. Mn is very guilty of labelling anyone even the tiniest bit selfish as "narcissist".

[takemetomars]

I would imagine they would avoid one another like the plague. But I will second the wish for tickets

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I suppose it depends. The one I'm thinking about would probably come to blows.

[TattyCat]

They both either give up and sulk in the corner

That's not narcissism as I understand it though? I need some help understanding it, I think. I've read all the details, read all the threads and am losing the will to live with my DM. I try, and try and try to make things better but I've just driven home 120 miles after being instructed on her needs for 3 days. No please, no thank you, just "I need..." and "get me...xxxx". Never, ever, does she ask how I am - it's all about what she needs at any given moment. I can go and get something she needs, get home, then it's something else instead and "well, why didn't you know". So I go and get the next thing on the list.

Tired of it.

So, we have always in the past called after a long journey home either way (well, mine, really - she doesn't know where I live) to make sure that the other got home safely but after an argument today I left and I haven't called. No text to see if I got home. Makes a bit of a mockery of the last 20 years I feel. Concern just stops because of an argument? Really? Then no point in ever continuing that little charade then. She couldn't care less whether I got home safely, so pointless.

[redexpat]

What would happen? One hell of a Mumsnet thread!

[hairymelonwalton]

im going to have to look up what a narcissist is as ive got it all wrong.
i thought a narc was someone who got pleasure out of someone elses misfortune and in some cases even causing the other person alot of pain and misery but doing it sneaky so the person doesnt realize its the narc thats caused it all
they get a great thrill knowing someones going through a bad time but act all concerned
there must be a name for the above i dont know what it is though

[Jackie0]

Who is the other narcissist ? You ?
I don't think you are by the way

[SpinnakerInTheEther]

I bet they'd be arch enemies and try to outdo each other with dastardly deeds. Each would need to prove their superior über power over the other.

[redexpat]

Ah x post. That does sound really annoying and hurtful. But are you a narc too?

[brassbrass]

hairymelon I think the word you're looking for is schadenfreude

[hairymelonwalton]

brassbrass thanks ill google it

[Fourormore]

I agree with FlyingElbows. A narcissicist wouldn't waste time with someone that wasn't interested in attempting fill their relationship needs. Narcissists gravitate towards rescuers (to make them feel better - narcissicists have v low self esteem), rescuers gravitate towards narcissists (let's them feel needed/avoids their own problems).

[whois]

Would a proper fully fledged actual narcissist waste their time with another one? There is nothing to be gained there.

Yup I just think they would move onto someone else. There wouldn't be anything to feed off so there would be no point engaging.

[TattyCat]

No, I'm not a narc. I'm narky today but I think that's different. I'd probably put myself into 'rescuer' but not sure. I'm struggling dealing with it and it's horrible. I just wondered what would happen if I treated this person in exactly the same way they treat me.

She's definitely narcissistic, but I cannot turn my back although I have, temporarily done today and the result is ... ominous... for want of a better word. I know I will pay for this but I'm not sure whether to play her at her own game or just give up and stop caring?

For a lovely sunny day (and one I've craved for), it's been shit. Truly, truly, shit.

[FlyingElbows]

The only way to win the game is not to play.

[TattyCat]

FlyingElbows What if playing the game is non-negotiable? I can't remove myself entirely; I just can't.

But back to the point; what happens if you have two narcs 'playing' together? Because that can't be beyond the realms of possibility, given how many people appear to have this disorder?

[Cocoabutton]

The way one narcissist will deal with another - you see this when they have a rescuer stuck between them, sabotage the rescuers relationship with the other, both try to manipulate and control the rescuer to feed their own needs, blames the other narcissist for any problems, in other words, create hell on earth for the rescuer who loses their sense of self completely and gets stuck trying to rescue something beyond recovery.

If you are asking the question, you are not a narcissist. If your DM is, the best thing you can do is get on with your own life.

[Fourormore]

In my experience, with a true narcissicist, you're either in the game or out of it. Or you're torturing yourself by stepping out of the game and then sticking around for the backlash, having the times you stepped out of the game repeatedly thrown in your face as if you've done something utterly unforgivable.

If you stand your ground long enough, a true narcissist will start to "Hoover", appearing completely and truly apologetic, to suck you back in.

Have a read about the drama triangle.

[TattyCat]

... trying to rescue something beyond recovery...

Yep. It's devastating when that hits. I can't change anything and I'm an angry person right now.

[Waltermittythesequel]

If you're not a narc, who are you asking about?

[TattyCat]

DM. And me - I've done my best but not sure whether I'm starting to manipulate or not. I'm struggling and have removed myself early from a visit to a grieving mother who is ill with a chest infection but who has spent 3 days ordering me to do this and that. Sounds pathetic but it feels terminal. I loved her company and when DF died, she changed and I'm starting to see what he 'managed' for so many years.

I don't know who I am right now.

[Cocoabutton]

Oh tatty, it is hard, hard, hard - all I am going to say is be gentle on yourself; don't add to your burdens by berating yourself for leaving her, or being angry at her. Those are normal, healthy reactions to the situation; it is the situation with a narc which is unhealthy. Be kind to yourself

[Waltermittythesequel]

Oh Tatty getting fed up doesn't make you a narc.