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to wonder if anyone shares this weird feeling?

(31 Posts)
cjt110 Wed 04-May-16 13:56:23

I feel disconnected from my son. I know i think that I love him and I would do anything for him. Bu at other times, I feel I dont love him at all. Not in a nasty way but I feel like I am not that connected to him. Sometimes, on an evening say when he is in bed, I forget I'm a parent and then just before going up to bed think I need to check on DS.

Is this an unusual feeling? Its hard to describe.

Floggingmolly Wed 04-May-16 13:57:14

How old is he?

cjt110 Wed 04-May-16 14:08:58

He's 20m molly. I often find myself saying "Go and show Daddy X" or diverting him/his attention to his Dad whilst I do bits and bats around the house and often have little time just him and I. However, when I do, I thoroughly enjoy it.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Wed 04-May-16 14:11:04

To be honest it doesn't sound normal to me. Do you have a HV you could discuss with?

Clandestino Wed 04-May-16 14:11:22

sleep deprivation?

EponasWildDaughter Wed 04-May-16 14:16:28

I'm going to be honest and say i know what you mean, i think i have this too.

I would literally die for my kids, and i would do anything for them. However, the day to day grind of physically caring for them sometimes means i'm a bit robotic. When they come to me for love it's there in buckets, but i don't seek it out much, IYSWIM? It is hard to explain.

My DH is ''all over'' DD4 when ever he's home, but then he works full time.

I have a 2 year old and 3 much older ones and i've been the same with all 4. The older ones have turned out just fine. Totally fine happy well adjusted young adults. So .... i don't beat myself up about it.

VocationalGoat Wed 04-May-16 14:18:34

How's his sleep and yours?
You sound a little detached.
Do you think you could be struggling with a mild depression?

VocationalGoat Wed 04-May-16 14:21:58

I have days like this for sure. I think we all do. But admittedly I've never had an extended period of time when I've felt what you're describing. It's a bit unusual, what you describe, but not odd by any means. I assume you're just really tired. Maybe even a bit bored. Yes, parenthood- stay at home parenting- can be very boring and sometimes depressing.
Could this be your case?

cjt110 Wed 04-May-16 14:22:06

EponasWildDaughter Yes, your post resonates with me. Especially being robotic. I often find myself doing something, say washing up and will shoo DS away to be with his Dad, then feel envious of the time they spend together.

I have been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in the last 2 months but tbh, this is always there.

On the whole, sleep is ok. He sleeps 7-6 most days.

EponasWildDaughter Wed 04-May-16 14:22:51

I was going to say could it be a mild depression too actually. Although it didn't fit with the rest of my post.

Also, i meant to say it could be the age of your DC. I get much more into my kids once they get to 2 and up. It sounds awful i know, but i get much more from parenting once we can communicate together a little better. Until then it all feels a little detached for me. Maybe you'll be the same OP?

cjt110 Wed 04-May-16 14:23:38

VocationalGoat I work fulltime - So I get from say 6-745 with DS at home in the morning, usuauly filled with tasks getting us all ready to head out. I get home at 515ish and often will then cook tea for us all, and we sit down to eat for 6ish. After we've cleared away, it's often say 630 once DS is in PJs so I dont get a great deal of time with him.

EponasWildDaughter Wed 04-May-16 14:26:32

Ah right, x post, severe depression flowers

There's your answer i guess. That must make a big difference. I think this time around i may have mild PND to be honest, but it's undiagnosed.

Are you getting treatment? Is DH aware?

cjt110 Wed 04-May-16 14:29:56

I attended a recent stress course, am being referred for CBT which I must chase up and my antidepressants have been increased.

My DH is the one who encouraged me to seek out treatment.

Does depression (have suffered mildly since 2009) make you feel like that though? numb towards someone that you could equally burst with love for?

LaContessaDiPlump Wed 04-May-16 14:32:49

I get you op. The robot feeling and the feeling of not being that connected to my DC. Mine are nearly 4 and 5, and more engaging now than they used to be (which is hopeful)!

I have to admit that I think my attitude comes from my experiences as a child though. My younger brother died aged 3 and my mother never really recovered from it - she was massively controlling but at the same time very very emotionally distant. I can rationally understand it as her not wanting to get close to a child who might also be taken from her. My problem is that I seem to now do the same - I struggle to let myself truly feel love for my own DC, because I know from my early life that it's perfectly possible that they might die and that I'd be devastated. Best not to get too close in that case.

Obviously I'm aware my attitude is not healthy and I try to act as affectionately and 'normally' as I can for the DC so they don't have to suffer for my issues. Hopefully I get it right most of the time......

Anyway, not sure if any of that applies to you op but maybe some part might be helpful thanks

NeverbuytheDailyMail Wed 04-May-16 14:34:19

Detachment from those you love can be a big symptom of depression.

Heyheyheygoodbye Wed 04-May-16 14:35:32

It's very common to feel detached when you have depression. Hang in there flowers

puzzledbyadream Wed 04-May-16 14:37:09

Could be the depression, could also possibly be the meds if they are not the right type for you. Medication improved my life 10 fold but being on the wrong ones can have really horrible side effects. I hope things improve flowers

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 04-May-16 14:37:10

How was the birth? Did you bond with him after he was born?

I have two DS. With my first, I was depressed during the pregnancy, and didn't really connect with him after he was born. His father took over. I felt hopeless, couldn't breastfeed him, didn't know what I was doing. He wouldn't play with toys -- just lay there looking at me expectantly. I now feel disconnected with him (he's 12), although I love him and like him.

My second son was a completely different experience. Completely bonded with him after the birth. Breastfed easily. Found him easy to entertain. Loved spending time with him. Didn't use childcare. (DS1 was in nursery part-time from 18 months.) Found him a joy, right from the start.

I spoke to a therapist and she suggested the difference in my feelings could easily have come from the first bonding moments.

I feel rotten about this.

cjt110 Wed 04-May-16 14:41:44

LaContessaDiPlump Some of that does resonate with me but because of my father.

WhatsGoingOnEh I had a 24 hour labour on the labour ward. I had wanted as non medical as possible and to go to the birth centre. They were shut. The labour ended in me saying I couldn't do it anymore and I had a forceps delivery (apparently low level and he was literally "just there"). The first night in hospital my DH stayed with us and we ended up asking the MW's could they tae him for an hour or so so we could get some sleep. Our first night at home, I was hysterical because he wouldn't latch on and my husband ended up taking him downstairs in the moses basket and both of them sleeping down there to let me get some rest.

EponasWildDaughter Wed 04-May-16 14:42:27

That's good about your DH cjt.

DH and i TTC for 4 years to get DD4 with an horrendous late MC in the middle. I think i was suffering from mild depression (ridiculously desperate to conceive and full of misplaced guilt about MC) when i finally fell for her, and the birth was awful. i think i'm experiencing some detachment due to some PND, but, as i said, i was a little detached with my older 3 when they were very small (no depression, all easy conceptions ect) so it's hard to say.

EponasWildDaughter Wed 04-May-16 14:43:23

x post again. I meant good about his support for depression x

cjt110 Wed 04-May-16 14:44:42

I think part of it may also be, although DS was planned and very much wanted, I fell pregnant within 3 weeks of ttc and it came as a huge shock to us both as I was told at 16 I may struggle.

LaContessaDiPlump Wed 04-May-16 14:46:43

I had a history of depression well before DS1 (came off ADs a year before) and struggled to bond with him, possibly because he was the first and I was clueless! DS2 was born 13mo later and, like What says, was completely different. A cuddly adorable delight - even DH commented (with a note of sadness!) when I was cooing over DS2 that I'd never done anything like that with DS1.

I really think that for some of us, the first time we do anything it will just be bloody hard and we won't enjoy it. Subsequent repetitions are fine, it's just the first one that's the killer. This is problematic when the first instance gives rise to an actual person whom we've then got to keep confused

WhatsGoingOnEh Wed 04-May-16 14:48:26

How did the feeding go after that first night? DS1 and I never really fitted together. sad

Did your husband end up doing more with your DS than you did? Do you feel confident looking after him..?

It's all such a complex issue. I really empathise!

AppleAndBlackberry Wed 04-May-16 14:49:29

I wonder if maybe you've got too much going on and not enough space or time for yourself. I feel a bit like this with my kids sometimes. I'm an introvert and I don't work as much as you but if I've had a stressful day at work and they've been loud or difficult I do find myself telling them to play upstairs so I can have some peace and quiet in the living room. I do always read them a bedtime story and we do things together at the weekend but in the week it's hard work just keeping on top of the routine, getting them out of the door on time etc etc. Don't feel too guilty about it, especially if you're also suffering with depression.

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