Braving AIBU for traffic
I am currently going through a divorce so acrimonious I can't even begin to explain. I'd get called a troll!
For various reasons, allegations of assault, emotional abuse etc the stbxh parents are not allowed contact with my son who is 8. This is not court ordered but agreed between me and ex (albeit reluctantly on ex part for obvious reasons )
When it all kicked off with the parents a couple of months ago, I went into school and explained the situation. We don't yet have court orders in place so hands were tied as regards to ex picking up my son, but we agreed that it was only either him or me. And that if they got a call to say dad couldn't get him they would always ring me. Only if I couldn't get him could someone with the NEW password collect him. So with all the facts and limitations in front of them this was the solution we agreed. I gave them the new password, but have never had a need to share it with anyone else at all. Not even ex. At the same time I removed all details for the grandparents from the records. The changes were specific to the ILs, but in the interest of fairness I also removed anyone from my family as well. So only his dad and I with authority.
Skip to today, ex was being an arse as usual and couldn't collect. I went to get him at half five, and his grandad had already been at 4pm, given the old password and been allowed to take him 
. They said they had spoken to dad and he said it was ok.
I was terrified as they are going away for a week, and have wanted to take him with them for a while.
I called them and my son was there, I told them I was on my way and to have him ready. That they have no right to take him, and if they didn't return him I would call the police.
When I arrived exfil was outside and laughed in my face and said you aren't having him. I said I would dial 999 of he didn't return my son. He continued to taunt me, so I called the police. Whilst I was on the phone my daughter (15) went to ask her grandad for her brother. I turned around to see him holding both her arms and pulling her into the house. Bizarrely he then hit her with a walking stick in the stomach! He doesn't walk with a stick btw, so it was there in advance. 2 cars and a van turned up, lights and all. Went into the house, and my son wasn't there any more. He had been there literally 5 mins before, I spoke to him. The police tracked him down with my ex and recommended in the circumstances he return my son to me, which he did about 8pm.
So grandad is now being charged with assault (he is counter alleging that she kicked him and he will drop charges if my daughter does) and they have been told in no uncertain terms that they are not to collect him again as they may be charged.
I spoke with the manager of the after school club who has in turn spoken with the school head. We are meeting first thing tomorrow.
I'm so mad that this whole situation escalated because they allowed someone to use an old password. Their reason is that it remained valid as the exes password. Wtf was the point of changing mine if they were going to leave another on file, and then ignore the written request that the password is for emergencies only if both parents can't attend.
What should I expect from the meeting tomorrow. Should I be thinking about Ofsted. This time I got him back, next time (for me or another family) it could be worse.
Any thought appreciate right now, I'm completely overwhelmed with everything and not thinking straight.
AIBU?
what to say to school tomorrow
IWantToBeAUnicorn · 04/05/2016 00:07
Thanks for replies. I had already thought I would remove him from asc, but I work and struggle with wrap around care. I thought about asking them to hold the place for no fee until I can get a court order in place. I can't afford to pay it and not work, and places around here are like gold dust.
I think FIL was hoping I would be goaded into pushing my way into the house, and settled for my daughter. He is looking for leverage against me in anyway he can. They are very much of the 1950s mentality and can't comprehend that the house isn't just their sons. In their world, the man owns and the woman does as she is told. If I had a criminal record I couldn't work. They think that I would then just move out and hand the kids over to ex.
A few weeks ago my stbxh assaulted me and when I called the police, surprise surprise he counter alleged. During that time the in laws repeatedly called my daughter on her phone. When she returned the call they rang the police and said she was harassing them. 1 call! With several missed calls from them. They claimed pocket dial, and that they called the police because they were afraid. Obviously it didn't go anywhere, but they did offer to drop the non charges if they could see my son. Daughter is 15, very switched on and sees it for what it is. They also asked her to come for tea and spend the night, and when she said she had plans they said they would withdraw her university fund daughter just said, no worries, I can't be bought and will make my own way in life.
Your daughter sounds really cool.
Head screwed on.
I expect you're really proud of her.
this would be better off in relationships op.
sounds horrendous. I would be on the absolutely fucking warpath about this. As you say, what is the point of a password if they ignore it 
If school had called me I could have been there in less than five mins. I was working from home today.
I get. That dad can give permission too, but if that was the case the entire conversation and meeting we had was pointless. They should have told me it wouldn't actually change anything!
Tbh, from speaking to the manager I think they are shitting it a little bit as one person already said they didn't check the password, then said oh we did but we have two on file.
It is a good school and he is happy there, so I want to be balanced but also want to ensure he is safe obviously
The grandparents have laughed in my face before and in front of both children called me a whore (ex is convinced I cheated as I had a fling fairly quickly after ending the marriage). They have said that they have enough money to take me to every court in the land to get court ordered access to my son. They also called my daughter and asked if she knew what I was. Dd was 
and they said "your mother is a dirty whore and a junkie. She rang your dad from bed with another man and made him listen to them having sex"
Clearly that didn't happen, but to think ringing a 15 year old to say that is normal is beyond comprehension. For the most part I don't bother defending myself, it's pointless as people believe what they want to believe. It's a lose lose situation. Ignore, it is because they are right, deny, it is because I'm guilty. Hey ho!
Oh and just to add the grandad is 6 foot 4 and seventeen stone. A big burly bloke.
sorry brain asleep already - personally would definitely involve governors - at the meeting if possible - and get full confirmaiton of how they will stop this happening again. Unnecessary and horrible 
I am very proud of dd. she gets a raw deal, but just gets on with being herself. She is currently doing her GCSEs so really doesn't need this. She was distraught when she thought they might take her brother. They bicker like siblings do, but they adore each other.
I have been in touch with women's aid briefly and I know I should call them back but it's just too hard to explain. If the above situation was out of ten, it would be a two or a three compared to some of the things they have done. I am completely isolated and have no adult contact from one week to the next. There is not a single person in my life he hasn't told his tale of woe to, he is very good at playing the victim. He left in September and had a girlfriend by the November. But didn't tell anyone because that wouldn't fit with the role he is playing. The girlfriend has messaged my daughter on Facebook ( root of all evil) and threatened her on more than one occasion. At 4,5 am. He has told his gf that my daughter was going to beat up her daughter. Since we didn't know she existed until the first message I'm not sure how that works. But we (dd and I) just keep on keeping on!
I received the divorce papers last week and he has claimed that I physically abused him for the entire marriage. Kicked him, slapped him scratched him. And then added that my daughter had done the same. He named his own daughter in the divorce papers 
. I think he is trying to get legal aid by claiming domestic violence. In our entire marriage (17 years) I slapped him in the face once. It was when I was pregnant and I caught him cheating on a stag night. It was a very dramatic Peggy Mitchell slap, out of order yes, but a one off isolated incident. He on the other hand was a little more forthcoming with the aggression.
School should be worried about your response as thus is a MASSIVE safeguarding failure that has resulted in harm which could have been far worse.
Really feeling for you IWant
If there is any further contact can you use your mobile to record G'dad's threats? Or you can get great little digital voice recorders, for dictation, that pick up voices really well and fit snugly under a bra strap (family issues here too but I now have a bit of evidence against the two-faced ... so-and-so)
I have some notes about it all, but tbh I can't bring myself to write it all down. I can't afford to use my solicitor as a therapist, so I know I need to get it all written down, but I also need to be in a state of mind where I won't break down. There are some days I literally can't stop crying. It's like a tap, I just can't stop.
Ok, one of the worst things...my mum left us when we were five and I had no mum growing up. When I got pregnant with my daughter she came back into my life. Against my initial instinct I started to build a relationship with her which had got to at least friendship level, with a hint of maternal.
I have three sisters, and at some point in the last 15 years they have all broken up with long term partners. Without fail, each time my mum has maintained an inappropriate level of contact with the exes. Eg, my sister lived in Scotland, when she split with husband she came home to live with mum devastated, she was greeted with a full a4 size photo frame of her ex in the front room because my mum was sad and wanted a reminder of the son she had lost . My ex knows this is what my mum is like, but also that rightly or wrongly I wanted a mum. He has been going around to her house, offering to do diy jobs for her, and has now convinced her that I was abusing him. This is despite her hearing him scream and shout at me (at my brothers funeral no less) and saying that, that kind of abuse was one of the reasons she left my dad (and Us By default). I called her a few weeks ago, and she told me she never wanted to speak to me ever again. True to her word, nothing. No Easter eggs for the kids, no birthday card. She was always one for the boys!
Sorry I'm rambling now and going off topic. My head is all over the place and I have no one irl to talk to. 
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