To not be enjoying motherhood?(40 Posts)
DD1 is 3.5 months old and is a very much wanted child. However, recently I've been finding motherhood really difficult and don't feel I'm enjoying it as much as I should. She seems to be going through a difficult phase where she doesn't sleep as well and has an awful temperament during the day. Initially she was fine- I think if she had something like colic in the early weeks I'd be more likely to ask for help as it wouldn't be so personal... But I found it really enjoyable before and now I feel like sometimes she just doesn't like me and that I'm not good at this. I meet up with women from my NCT and their babies seem so much happier and they seem to have a better bond. I know that there are people who are willing to support me but I feel so ashamed that I don't want to say anything. Is this normal? Or aibu and a complete monster?
Is her not sleeping related to feeds? If so it's probably a growth spurt.
You will have many difficult stages to go through, all part of being a parent I'm afraid-it does not mean you are rubbish at it so please stop thinking this. Also take no notice of other parents & how they seem-most of us just have our game faces on.
If you need help then ask for it, there is absolutely no shame in admitting this.
I think the first year of a childs life is so so hard but you will get through it, it's easier 2nd time around
YANBU, love. Not everyone enjoys the tiny baby stage. Please don't compare yourself and your baby to the NCT lot. They may well be suffering in their own way and just presenting their happy face to the world. Everyone struggles at some point: if it's not the tiny baby stage it will be weaning or terrible twos or the teenage years. Could you go to some non-NCT baby groups and chat to some other mums?
By the way, you are NOT doing a bad job. If your baby is well-fed, loved and wearing clean clothes every day, you are doing an amazing job.
I promise it gets better. My dd1 was colicky and screamed/didn't sleep etc. She's now 8 and I have dtds who are 4. I've come to the conclusion I'm not a baby person. I think I started to enjoy it more from 6 months (coinciding with getting a bit more sleep). Now 8yo gets other 2 breakfast at the weekends and I get a lay in. On the whole they're a delight. When friends look sad at their dc having a birthday and aging I'm always puzzled as I love seeing them grow up and our relationship develop. Take each day as it comes and know that gradually you will get time back as she becomes less needy.
Second time round was easier as I was more relaxed even though I had a toddler and 2 newborns - I think I just completely relaxed as the only other option was to be permanently stressed. We thought dd would be an only child until she was 2.5yo.
Yanbu. Parenting is difficult. It's not fun all day every day, for anyone.
I found the first year the hardest.
"Should" is the most overused, dangerous word, especially when it comes to how you're feeling. YANBU, it can be very hard!
YNBU, tiny ones can be exhausting and the adjustment to parenthood is hard! I tried to get out as much as I could to give us both a break from routine, talk to other people etc. Are you on your own? I'd have felt very similar without DP. It gets better when LO can do more for herself! I'm sure you and her are fine together, but if you're really concerned, can you get support of some kind? xx
I'm one of those who don't like the tiny baby stage, I find it suffocating. What doesn't help is the media/cultural assumption that mothering comes naturally to every woman & that there is a special bond/rush of love thing that just happens. The trouble is, as lovely as it sounds it just doesn't happen for everyone including you & me, I never felt a bond like people describe to either of mine & nothing came naturally to me Its hard to enjoy something when you are constantly terrified of getting it wrong & constantly have that feeling that you don't know what to do (particuarly if you are used to be being successful at your job/pre-baby stuff)
Your baby does love you. You are exactly what she needs & ignore other mothers & what they are doing as it doesn't matter. Put all thoughts of how much you should be enjoying it out of your mind as that doesn't matter either.
You have nothing to be ashamed of my love, nothing at all. You are certainly not a monster. You may find that going to your GP & talking to them may help as I'm wondering whether you have a spot of PND. If nothing else then you can ask them about the high temperature during the days. Make an appt tomorrow xxx
I found the first 5months really hard! I didn't enjoy it much and cried a lot. Everything felt like such an effort, lugging so much kit everywhere and coping the crying and grizzling. My DS seemed to grizzle more than other babies, when I met my NCT group he was usually the one crying and when I went to baby groups he wanted to be held constantly! I felt like I was bending over backwards to make him happy and he just grizzled at me all day.
Then around 5.5months something changed. He just got happier in general and cried less, until I could go a whole morning then a whole day without him screaming! Once he could play independently with toys he was able to sit and play happily by himself for 10-15mins. Instead of grizzling he started laughing and making happy noises. He's now 8months and I have a very strong bond with him. He's affectionate and funny, he makes me laugh all day and I can't stop kissing him! We have fun when we go out, he likes his buggy and interacts with people and the world around him. He still wakes 3x night to feed but he's so excited to see me in the mornings it all feels worthwhile.
Things that helped: jumparoo, starting solids, being able to sit up. For me, getting out every day kept me sane! We went to cafes, park, baby cinema, yoga, swimming, breastfeeding cafes and groups, baby sensory, music-time, signing, MN local meet-ups, walking club, buggy-fit, Sealife centre, zoo etc... I could go on!
It will get more fun! For now, just concentrate on getting through each day. The bond will develop naturally as your baby gets older.
My daughter was one of those babies who screamed for months. She hated being put down, we couldn't even eat a meal together. She would not accept a bottle. This was my second child, and so I knew that it was more about her than me buit it really, really felt as though she didn't like me. I nearly went back to work when she was two months, just to get away from her! We don't have a photo of her smiling until she was nearly 5 months.
She finally started to settle down when she was about 4-5 months, and could be more active. I think that she was quite frustrated by life in general, and when she could sit and bottom shuffle she settled down. She was a very active toddler and is a very determined personality.
Cut yourself some slack, love. The first few months are fricking tough.
It will get better. Toddlerhood was infinitely better for me and DS.
And don't worry about the NCT lot. Everyone's in the same boat, ups and downs and feeling the pressure to put on a good show.
At about a year in, my NCT group had a
slightly drunken confessional session where it all came out that everyone was struggling in the early days, but didn't open up because they thought the others were breezing through. Crazy to think what pressure we put ourselves under. We could have been a much better support for each other.
Posted too early! I was going to finish with, it is not you or your parenting. Being a mum is about ups and downs, I know it is hard but you will get through this. It will not hurt your baby if you leave her in the cot while you have a cup of tea. Use headphones for 15 minutes peace if you need to. You are not a monster, and things will get better.
It will be OK. I had PND and struggled to bond with my son. I look back on those days now and shudder. It got better gradually and I managed to get some help and medication from my GP. By the time my DS was two, he was a joy and the older he gets the better things are. Now he is six and we have an amazing bond. Tiny babies are a bit rubbish, to be honest!
Definitely NBU. My DS2 is about the same age and is really unsettled at times. I hate this stage with a passion. Looking forward to around 6 months. That's when I felt I could bond more with my DD1. The media and society push an ideal view of a mother but it doesn't always suit. And all babies are different too so please don't compare with the babies in your NCT group.
I don't enjoy it much either most of the time. You're not alone!
Nope mine is ten and I still hate motherhood
I didn't start to feel comfortable with motherhood until mine were about 3. It's hard.
You poor thing. I think if (like me) you always thought motherhood would be one of those things you'd really take to, the challenges of a tiny baby can be a hell of a jolt. If your baby is fractious and colicky, you will be at the end of your rope because you're human. Just get through it, day to day, and the sun will come out - honestly.
Practically no one enjoys that stage, in my experience, so God knows why there's a general current of public opinion that it 'should' be enjoyable. What on earth is enjoyable about subordinating your entire being to a tiny tyrant who can't communicate by anything other than crying, and whose wants you spend your entire time trying to second-guess on two hours sleep? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Of course you're not a monster. Maternity leave was the most miserable experience of my lifetime. DS is now four and an utterly fabulous creature, and motherhood is much more fun. It gets better. Access help if it will help in the short term, but don't sweat bonding and what your NCT buddies look like with their offspring.
YANBU, I've had almost identical worries - are we bonded enough? does she like me? Am I just not going to be very good at this? Should I be doing things differently? And NCT groups made it worse until someone else said they felt like theirs was the only baby who cried all the time - I was shocked as I only ever noticed us having problems! I have found going out to groups & classes really helps & now at 20 weeks I'm feeling really proud of dd & really enjoying how much she loves being out & about.
Hope you are able to enjoy things more soon.
Tiny babies are hard as they don't give much back. Even at 3 months all your really getting is smiles - there's not much personality there and it's easy to feel disconnected. Fast forward to 7 months and you have a proper little person you can get to know
I find being a parent really, really tough and felt exactly like you when my DS was that age. But you just need to look at all the 'real' parenting blogs to realise you're not alone in finding it a hard slog! Really, it's completely normal.
Im gonna say yanbu it's bloody hard you get thrown in to a world where all your there to do is feed, change and comfort a small person you don't even know. I was not one of these people who found motherhood easy allthough I thought I would and its only now at nearly two I dont find myself waiting for the next nap to get a break also sleep deprivation is a bitch a few extra hours really does make a diffrence.
My son had a reflux and screamed continuously for the first 7 months I know the feeling of he just doesn't like me I felt it often but just remember this too shall pass and the grass allways does look greener im sure some of the other nct mums are having similar issue/thoughts but just like you don't want to talk about it.
I also find it really hard (DD is 2 months). As pp's have said, it's hard when they're this little. But everyone tells me it gets better!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.