AIBU regarding dd & domestic violence.(32 Posts)
Dd is 24. Lives at home. Articulate, intelligent, very good job. Very stubborn & a strong personality but obviously i love her dearly. I know I have indulged her over the years. Eg: she doesnt pay rent as she was meant to be saving a deposit but never did.
Dd has had an on off relationship with her dp since she was 17.
Hes a prolific burglar. He's been in & out of priaon since he was 15. I wasn't happy with her choice but it was her choice. Her dp was never anything but polite etc whenever he came to our house...Spent Christmas' with us etc.
Then our house was raided, twice. He was arrested yet again. I stood up in Crown Court defending him. I couldnt have tried harder to help him.
Then i realised dd was scared of him. I realised he was controlling. I suspected he was hitting her but she wouldn't confide in me. Then he beat her up so badly that she had black eyes for 2 weeks. The police didnt follow up (do not know the details). He ended up back in Prison for another crime. Dd realised he'd also cheated on her.
2 years later my dd has started seeing him again.
Last night at 12.40 he came to our house. Dd let him in. They didn't acknowledge dp or I. Walked straight past the room we were in without speaking to us.
I have told dd i respect but do not like her choice of partner. I cannot & will not tolerate him in my home.
Dd says I am listening to my dp & being 2 faced. My dp isn't happy with the situation but ultimately this is about a criminal who steals for a living & beat my dd on many occasions but to the point she had bruising for 2 weeks.
She's an adult but i cannot ignore what her dp does & did to her.
I would put this into 'relationships' op for good advice.
If you do not want him in your house then you have every right to say he isn't to come round.. But you have to say that and stick to it
Report your original post, there's a report button in blue at the top of your post.
Jesus, what a horrific situation I wouldn't have him in the house either.
I've decided not to have him in the house & ultimately, as the parent in this situation, That is final.
My dd is carrying on like i am totally out of order. I need other perspectives as i can't discuss this with friends or family, objectively.
Then there's another side of me that wants to beat this violent bully arse hole with a lump of wood...but then i would be as low as him!
You're not out of order. Be aware that isolating the victim from family is a typical strategy in an abusive and controlling relationship. I would take advice from an organisation which deals with domestic violence but make sure any conversations or actions you take always emphasise to your daughter than you love her, want to help her and that she will always have a safe home with you.
BUT you have to make it absolutely clear to your DD that you love her and that she is ALWAYS welcome. However you cannot support her relationship with an abusive criminal and so he cannot visit your home.
Make the clear distinction that you support her, but cannot support her abusive relationship because she is so much more valuable than this man treats her.
YANBU OP. Of course you aren't- and i'm saying this as a 25 year old who still lives at home with her own parents.
We are still young, and stubborn. I've not hit that stage where "Mum was right yet"- honestly, with me- I doubt I ever will. But that's a whole other story.
If she is living in your home she needs to respect your rules-period. If she doesn't like it, she needs to move out. What is she doing with her money if she isn't saving it and isn't paying rent? I work less than 15 hours a week, and granted I don't pay rent either but I still manage to save £200 a month. I assume she is working FT and even if she is on NMW- without paying rent, she has not excuse to not save for her future. But of course you can't force her- maybe you just have to stop pandering to her. My brother is 18 months older than me and despite earning more than my parents do (nearly put together) they give him handouts like theres no tomorrow. And do they get an ounce of respect or thanks for it? Do they feck. But why should he- because he knows they will keep doing it. Just like why should your daughter move out if you pander to her. It won't happen.
As for the relationship- I know it's hard, and your worried about your DD- but it sounds like this is a conclusion she needs to come to herself. It's hard to let someone go if you love them- I could forgive my nearest and dearest for anything.
Can you phone your local domestic violence charity, or police unit, for advice? As much as I totally agree with the way you are feeling, isolating DV victims is part of the abuse, and by driving him out of the home, you're giving him more fuel. She's already showing that in action; "you';re just listening to your DP / you're two faced".
What a horrible situation for you and your daughter.
This is something that scares the shit out of me for when my DC are older. I think it's because I grew up in a house with lots of violence. Does your DD have any close friends? Have they tried talking to her? Is your DP her dad? I'd not be able to stop my DH doing something to him in this situation. I'd want to kill the fucker.
Must be heartbreaking for you to watch her go through this.
Lets all form a Mumsnet mob, hunt the fecker down and bury him under the patio. I will provide Gin & Nibbles for the journey.
Dd is 24. Lives at home. Articulate, intelligent, very good job
Encourage her very strongly to leave the country ?
Tread i was just thinking that!!!
Shes an engineer, only recently qualified but doing well.
Reading the posts back, the dp is gonna get exactly what he wants, isolate her further.
She has no close friends left.
Her own brother struggles with her!
Honestly, she such a strong women, people would never ever suspect the reality of the situation.
I think you are quite within your rights to tell her is no longer welcome in your house and if she wishes to continue seeing him then she needs to move out immediately.
Has she admitted to you that it was him who beat her up or is she trying to pretend it wasn't him? I think if she knows you know then she'll find it hard to come up with a good reason for why you should give him the benefit of the doubt yet again.
I really don't know on this one and do think taking advice is the way forward.
I know what people are saying about isolating her, but on the other hand, I have known two families in this situation, and all it did was make it easier for the couple to be together, and normalized this maltreatment in their own home, which should be a sanctuary for everyone. They stayed together for many years, one for over ten years.
I would personally go with not in my home. I don't let violent men in my house, and I wouldn't break that for my dd as the object of that violence.
Yes, it might temporarily isolate her, but it might also help her draw a line in the sand about what is socially and emotionally and physically acceptable behaviour, rather than normalize it or pretend it didn't happen.
No-one walks past me or doesn't acknowledge me either in my own home. I think it gives off the message everyone is scared of him and too frightened to stick up for themselves/the dd.
It is so hard to know but that's why I would seek advice.
Sit down with your daughter to watch this very short video about a mum who thought she could handle being in a domestic abuse situation. It may be a wakeup call: youtu.be/LlTxBW_7tHI
I have told dd i respect but do not like her choice of partner.
You've told her you respect her choice of partner?
I find this really odd and I would be so angry.
I don't think you should like,or respect or tolerate this criminal.
Tell dad it's time to move out .seriously . What message does it send to her that you tolerate him? The wrong one.
Of course he wants to get into the house. He can hurt her more there.
DD is manipulating you because she's not in her right mind at the mo - abuse takes place inside the head as well as on it.
Tell her you'll let him into the house if she gets help for domestic abuse.
In situations like this, its a shame you don't know some particularly scary people to go beat the shit out of him with a warning never to come near your DD or your family again.
Think the OP respects that her daughter has made a choice and is allowed to make that choice. She's an adult. Not that she respects him.
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