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MIL and death notice

(46 Posts)
RegTheMonkey1 Thu 24-Mar-16 20:22:31

My FIL died last week. There are only two DILs, me and the wife of my husband's brother. MIL could not stand the other DIL, long story, but mostly down to snobbishness. So MIL put an obituary/death notice in the local paper, and mentioned herself, the two sons, the two grandsons, but no DILs. She phoned my husband and said she would apologise to me for leaving me out, but she couldn't mention me and not the other DIL and there was no way she was putting HER name in. I've been married to husband for 20 years and was very fond of FIL, but it's as if I was just brushed under the carpet or something, left out just because of MIL's attitude towards the other DIL. The thing is, towards the end of of his life FIL was in a nursing home to give MIL some respite - and was cared for by the other DIL, who worked there! MIl said on the phone to my husband 'well, she didn't know your dad'. Even though the other DIL has been married to her son for 6 years. My question is this - AIBU to feel slighted and a bit cross?

araiba Thu 24-Mar-16 20:24:45

just leave it

Waltermittythesequel Thu 24-Mar-16 20:27:07

Don't make work for yourself.

It's not a reflection of the length of your marriage; it's a notice that a recent window chose to put in the paper.

Leave it.

BertrandRussell Thu 24-Mar-16 20:27:13

Leave it. People do wierd things when they are grieving.

KP86 Thu 24-Mar-16 20:27:32

This behaviour is a bit eye-rolling from your MIL - but nothing you can do about it. It's completely childish, and I hope in years to come she finds herself embarrassed about how she acted.

All you can do is repeat: it's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me.

Whether you are mentioned in a death notice makes no difference to how much grief you are allowed to feel, or how you mourn your loss.

RegTheMonkey1 Thu 24-Mar-16 20:30:02

You're right. I would never say anything to her of course, I was just wondering why I felt a bit miffed. None of it matters in the long run of course. Thank you, wise MNers.

Gazelda Thu 24-Mar-16 20:32:41

My DM died when I was a tot (many years ago). At my grandfather's funeral (5 years ago), my DM ie his DD wasn't mentioned. Completely ommitted. It hurt me enormously, but I guess people do funny and short-sighted things when in the depths of new grief.

Don't take it to heart, at least your MIL acknowledged that she owed you an apology and in the bigger scheme of things you know that you had an affectionate relationship with DFIL, which is what counts. flowers

shinynewusername Thu 24-Mar-16 20:34:11

It's common only to mention the spouse and DC/DGC in death notices, so nothing unusual there though YAofcourseNBU to roll your eyes at MIL's attitude to your fellow DIL.

QOD Thu 24-Mar-16 20:34:47

I wasn't mentioned in my in laws obits, was just full kids

Birdsgottafly Thu 24-Mar-16 20:38:09

Ive seen a lot of death notices from the surviving spouse that only mention blood close relatives, then other couples, adult children included, put their own notices in.

So no-one will think anything of it, just let it go.

Does your SIL post on here? I'm sure it would make interesting reading.

SlimCheesy Thu 24-Mar-16 20:52:25

My FIL recently died and we only put in his widow, his children and the grandchildren. None of us, the people who married his children (and were parents of his grandchildren) were mentioned at all. That was fine, not really an issue...... my DBIL and DSIL are currently going through a nasty split and we thought it was better to avoid any possible hurts by inclusion or omission by simply omitting anyone not related by blood.

SilentlyScreamingAgain Thu 24-Mar-16 21:04:49

It was a rude and petty thing to do but she's just lost her husband so best let it go.

RegTheMonkey1 Thu 24-Mar-16 21:09:02

I probably wouldn't have thought anything of it, had I read it in the paper. It was the fact that she phoned up to apologise for the omission, and the reason for the omission that made me think.

SilentlyScreamingAgain Thu 24-Mar-16 21:10:30

Apropos of crazy funeral related etiquette, I've just made my other half invite someone to a funeral all three of us know he'd rather poke his own eyes out with a rusty spoon than attend, for rear of making him feel unwelcome.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 24-Mar-16 21:10:50

I found out recently that my grandfather's headstone doesn't mention his grandchildren at all. He is buried in another country and the headstone was arranged by my aunt, who has no children (not by choice) and it appears that as she had no children she decided to completely ignore her sibling's children shock

Yes people do strange things around bereavement

Floralnomad Thu 24-Mar-16 21:11:36

At least she's had the decency to explain herself , although it's quite sad that even at this time of loss she's still managing to be bitter and twisted , I wonder if she rang her other son to tell him why the DILs were not mentioned . As you can probably tell I'm on very good terms with my MIL !

LanaorAna1 Thu 24-Mar-16 21:12:42

Ignore it. DILS & SILS don't get mentioned anyway IME.

IdealWeather Thu 24-Mar-16 21:14:03

It's rude because the reason the MIL didn't mentioned the OP is because of the other DIL.

And yes it is probably even more hmm as it was the very person who cared for the FIL at the end of his life...

I can understand that you find it hurtful. I think that your MIL knows it too (hence the fact she mentioned she knew she needed to apologise to you).
It's sad to see how people can be so attached to their ressentments that they are happy to hurt someone else just to carry on making a point.
I don't think it's about grief as such either. My grand parents didn't go to my parents wedding because of ressentment like this. I'm sure that plenty of other people with similar stories not related to grief either.

BertrandRussell Thu 24-Mar-16 21:14:35

Wear in mind also the possibility that she migh have very good reasons for not liking her other DiL. She's not automatically irrational because she is a MIL!

Almostfifty Thu 24-Mar-16 21:18:22

When my DM died, all in-laws were mentioned. Might be because they were in-laws of at least twenty years standing, but I think they would have been upset to be excluded.

You are not wrong in being annoyed, but at least you know the reason.

CamboricumMinor Thu 24-Mar-16 21:21:42

Jut leave it, she's going to be feeling awful at the moment and doesn't need any hassle to add to what she's already going through.

diddl Thu 24-Mar-16 21:23:34

I would have thought that you'd be more bothered for the otherDIL tbh.

At the end of the day, if MIL had the notice put in, she can deide what to put in.

There was nothing to stop you/your husband putting in your own notice.

EverySongbirdSays Thu 24-Mar-16 21:26:16

YABU to feel "slighted" as she has made it clear to you that she would have course have included you but actively did not want to include your SIL and couldn't do both.

FiveSixPickUpSticks Thu 24-Mar-16 21:26:22

Jut leave it, she's going to be feeling awful at the moment and doesn't need any hassle to add to what she's already going through.

I agree. Leave it.

Greengardenpixie Thu 24-Mar-16 21:27:47

* It was the fact that she phoned up to apologise for the omission, and the reason for the omission that made me think*

So there you go then. She did think of you. I dont personally see why you should feel annoyed. She phoned to rectify.

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