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AIBU?

aibu?! relationship?! I don't know :(

39 replies

ticklepicklepockle · 16/02/2016 20:31

Hey,

Slightly new here and first time poster.
I'm a FTM, partner works hard in a outdoor, full on labouring type job, doesn't help a lot with the baby, often sleeps in spare room so he gets a good night sleep etc
Last night, LO went to sleep fine, until 9, wide awake, wanting to play, brought him in with us and just chilled. LO started yawning so got ready to put but to bed, but he was fussy and adamant he did not want to sleep. I was exhausted, I do it all, tried and tried to get LO back to sleep but he wouldn't. Partner could see I was at breaking point, just got up and went to the spare room. After an hour or so, I had to put baby down and just walk away. I was about to crack up ( I feel awful about this) he then came in and I said 'your turn' and walked out. We haven't spoken since and I tried to apologise this morning but he says 'you need help', I said no, I just need you to help more. AIBU? I know he works hard, but we have no family, no extra help, so I really don't get a break.

(The dog also shat on the carpet and he cleaned it up with a letter and dustpan, I wanted to kick him)

He has gone to work and we haven't spoken. I don't really know what to do, how do I get him to help more? It can't all be on me?

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GreatFuckability · 16/02/2016 20:38

'you need help'. Yeah, you need HIS help. YANBU at all. Its his baby too and he needs to realise his responsibility.

ticklepicklepockle · 16/02/2016 20:41

Thank you, you're right.

Sorry if the post is a little messy, I'm running on 2 hour sleep

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AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2016 20:44

"You need help". Fine then, go on and hire a cleaner. Maybe even a part time nanny. Then when he complains just say 'Well, you said I 'needed help' and since you obviously don't think it's your job to help me, I hired someone who would!".

CooPie10 · 16/02/2016 20:45

Do you get some downtime over the weekends? His job sounds physically draining so I do think you should pick up the bulk of it, however does he help with baby before he goes to sleep in the spare room? Does he a bit to help with any housework?

ticklepicklepockle · 16/02/2016 20:50

Coopie10, he does, and very dangerous if something goes wrong, so I try to be sympathetic to that. No, no house work, maybe dinner at the weekend. But weekends are spent doing his hobby, which he have to travel for. He needs to progress quickly in it before summer for a course he has paid ££££ to do. So I support him in all of that.

So no, no help, he plays with LO a bit when he comes home from work.

Acrossthepond55, I wish!

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GloGirl · 16/02/2016 20:59

At 10, 11 o'clock at night presuming he doesn't start work till the next day he has no excuse not to help you out when you are at breaking point and he has had a rest all evening whilst you've fussed the baby.

No fucking way on God's earth would I apologise. In fact I'd probably leave the baby with him and if that meant he had to call a sicky tomorrow because he was tired then boo fucking hoo.

You've had 2 hours sleep. You are having no help.AND he wants you to grovel? Fuck that.

LeaLeander · 16/02/2016 21:02

Sounds as though his preferred lifestyle doesn't really include time and focus for a child. Was he fully on board with initiating the pregnancy and becoming a father? I ask because if not I doubt you are going to get him to change much. And I would not want to take a chance of him taking his frustration out on the infant. It might be better to look into other forms of respite care.

GreatFuckability · 16/02/2016 21:02

My kids dad also did a manual job, that's nor a reason to not help. You have to keep another human being alive, but it's ok to do that on no sleep?! Bollocks.

LittleBearPad · 16/02/2016 21:07

He's taking the piss particularly with the hobby that takes up the weekend. Clearly he's not too tired for that.

There's no reason he can't help more in the evenings even if he won't do ovenights.

You do need help. You need your partner to step up and be a parent to your child rather than a selfish git

arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2016 21:07

What happened after you put baby down and walked away?

RubbleBubble00 · 16/02/2016 21:23

Fair enough during the wk but he should be doing fri and sat night. Did u not discuss the time his hobby takes before having baby?

ticklepicklepockle · 16/02/2016 21:31

Thanks all.

The pregnancy was not planned, and we discussed for a long time what to do and he is fully on board and loves being a father..

The hobby is taking up a lot of the time at the moment, as the course is in the UK and for him to do it and travel back to the UK he has to have a certain amount of experience. (We live in aus and I wanted to travel home asap to see family)

He often works weekends, if he isn't doing his hobby. So Friday nights are pretty much mine too.

We did discuss the hobby before baby, but we weren't expecting him to do the course for another couple of years, so he had more time to buildup experience.

I just need to discuss it with him, but I'm not so sure how to go about it. Without winding us both us.

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arethereanyleftatall · 16/02/2016 21:36

Am I reading right that you can afford to fly oz to uk frequently, but not for help in the form of a cleaner or night nanny?

ticklepicklepockle · 16/02/2016 21:37

I wish, no, we are flying to the UK for the first time in years, and are unlikely to do so for another few years.

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ticklepicklepockle · 16/02/2016 21:39

Sorry, I wanted to go home and he was not going to come initially, but decided to combine both a trip to my family and his course. He does the hobby here in aus.

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ohthegoats · 16/02/2016 21:52

You just have to come straight out with the fact that you need help - from him. My partner didn't like it much either, and it was questionable as to whether him being tired as well was actually making the daytime stuff worse (with him being a grumpy shit), but I was beyond it with sleep deprivation. I didn't give him a choice, I just said that there was going to be a schedule, and that he was going to deal with the baby until 1am in order to give me sleep. He complained that that would 'only' give him 7 hours sleep (in the spare room with ear plugs) - at that point I laughed in his face. I went to bed at 9 and tried to sleep until 1 - it didn't work very often, but just lying in bed was a nice break, and frankly I needed it. After a week or so of him feeling a 'bit tired' he realised how bad it must have been for me getting 2 or 3 hours a night.

After that awkward month or so, things got much better - once I stopped breastfeeding and went back to work the childcare became absolutely 50/50 - about which he doesn't complain, and actively enjoys (we now both work part time and each have days at home with our daughter).

attheendoftheday · 16/02/2016 22:40

I refuse to believe an adult man cannot function without 8 hours sleep. He could, he is choosing not to, and he doesn't care how bad things are for you.

Not the actions of someone who loves you or your baby.

Fratelli · 16/02/2016 23:05

I do a very physically demanding job staring very early but finishing at half 2 after a long day. When I get home dp and I split the housework and looking after the baby. I bath ds and put him to bed every night as I want to spend time with my child. I don't understand parents who don't tbh. Dp also splits housework and childcare equally when he's at work. We're a partnership. Your partner sounds like he wants an easy life. I'm sorry but parents can't stop parenting just because they're tired. The fact that he didn't help when you were at breaking point shows he doesn't respect you. He thinks his wellbeing is more important than yours.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2016 14:30

I wasn't really being flip, you know, although I know professional help can be pricy. Honestly, check into outside help. There may be some teenagers in your area who would be glad of a few hours a week watching the children. I did this through my last two years of high school, watched a SAHM's two children after school 2 hours, 2 or 3 days a week and during the summer I'd watch them for 1-2 days a week. She used the time to relax a bit, do housework uninterrupted, or go out. I wasn't paid a huge amount (this was in the '70s) but what she paid plus my pocket money was enough to allow me to go to Disneyland a few times a month (I grew up in So Cal and it was a LOT cheaper in those days!!!) or spend a day at the beach or movies.

Preferably, you'll be able to give your DH a good bollocking and he'll shape up, but don't be afraid to make your own plans, or use family money to pay for them. I figure it's just like any 'household job'. I'll bet if he had a DIY that really needed doing and he didn't want to do it, he'd hire a professional to do it without a second thought to the cost. Same thing.

Inertia · 17/02/2016 14:46

He is taking the piss. Anyone who spends all weekend , every weekend doing a hobby when they have a young baby and barely do anything to help during the week is not a good parent.

How can he possibly be a good father? He never sees the baby!

LaurieLemons · 17/02/2016 15:00

He's treating you like this because he hasn't got the first clue how hard it is dealing with a baby day in day out. If you have to, go out for the day and leave them to it. If he still refuses to help you then I'm so sorry he is an arsehole beyond help.

My DP was a bit like this to begin with, he genuinely thought I had it easier not working and now he tells me he 'doesn't know how I do it'. It needs to stop and he needs to realise how hard this is on you, if baby is ff get him to do a night before his day off, good luck

ticklepicklepockle · 17/02/2016 21:26

Hey all,

Thank you for your support and help.
Definitely given me some ideas and the balls to give him a verbal hiding

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AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2016 22:56

Ovaries, love, solid steel ovaries. Men have squishy balls. We have solid steel ovaries.

ticklepicklepockle · 18/02/2016 02:29

I'm cringing my ovaries and I are going to squish his little balls. Apologies.

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Friendlystories · 18/02/2016 02:54

Greatfuckability's point about you keeping another human being alive is a good one and worth repeating to him in the hope it will prompt a lightbulb moment for him about how much work and responsibility you're actually carrying. There are ways he can help you and give you chance to rest which don't impact massively on his sleep, he could take the baby as soon as he gets home so you can rest through the earlier part of the evening and then you take over when he goes to bed. You need to spell it out to him that you are now chronically sleep deprived and that is no more a safe situation than him doing his job on too little sleep, you need to have regular sleep to function safely in exactly the same way he does.

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