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To be really annoyed by a request for money?

(38 Posts)
Woodenmouse Tue 26-Jan-16 13:04:47

I feel that all I do at the moment is moaning about my PIL but I swear they live in their own bloody world.

They have always been crap with money and have asked to borrow money in the past which we have lent if we have had it. Today they rang and asked to borrow £200 because they couldn't pay the rent. We had to say no as we don't have that sort of money at the moment. our 2nd child is due in 4 weeks, dh has just started working for himself, I'm now on maternity pay and we never had a lot of money any way. PIL then hung up on dh and dh went off to work looking like he was about to cry.
This would have annoyed me any way but recently due to an ongoing medical condition MIL was given £1000 by a charity to use for a holiday as she would need specialist care while away. When we asked of they could use some of the money just for now and then put it back and they ignored the question.

Aibu to think they have been really unfair to dh?

FarrowandBallAche Tue 26-Jan-16 13:13:17


How long has this been going? Do they work? Do they pay you back?

RB68 Tue 26-Jan-16 13:13:27

it would be fraudulent to use that money in the mean time even if they put it back.

But yes they are being unfair to expect you to conjure money from no where when you don't have alot yourselves

AyeAmarok Tue 26-Jan-16 13:13:54

Yes they're being unfair. It is not your responsibility to pay their rent or finance their life.

Glad you have put your foot down on this before the baby arrives as otherwise this would continue indefinitely if they always think you'll bail them out.

You don't have the money to spare, so you can't give them it. End of discussion.

Even if you did have it, it's still not your problem.

Gottagetmoving Tue 26-Jan-16 13:19:33

My mother used to do this to me. I used to lend her money because she would get upset.
I paid my parents Gas bill and electric bill with money we had out by for Baby stuff for my first baby.
I never wasted money but they used to smoke, drink and gamble.

Don't feel bad saying no YANBU. Its not your job to bail them out and they are being totally out of order to get huffy if you say No.

Woodenmouse Tue 26-Jan-16 13:19:33

farrow they've always been like this. Even before I met dh they used to borrow money off him and they got in the habit, they stopped for a while after we had ds1 but then started again. They do pay us back eventually normally when we ring and say we have a bill to pay and need it back.

Paintedhandprints Tue 26-Jan-16 13:20:31

How long has your dh been the parent to his parents. Poor guy.

expatinscotland Tue 26-Jan-16 13:20:43

YANBU. They can't pay their rent they need to apply for housing benefit. They are taking the piss. No more 'loans'. Do they ever pay you back?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Tue 26-Jan-16 13:21:12

Yanbu. If you keep bailing them out then they will never learn. Stand firm!

goodnightdarthvader1 Tue 26-Jan-16 13:22:01

Jesus, as a parent I would be horrifically embarrassed if I had to ask to borrow money from my DC because I couldn't manage my own finances. Have they no shame?!

Inertia Tue 26-Jan-16 13:24:54

No, you don't have it and you'd be taking it from your children's needs if you did give it to them.

You could offer to help by contacting the charity on MIL's behalf, to see whether the donated money could be resassigned.

FarrowandBallAche Tue 26-Jan-16 13:25:24

Stick to your guns if you can OP although convincing your poor Dh might not be easy.

Does He feel he should always give it them?

Woodenmouse Tue 26-Jan-16 13:32:47

Thank you everyone. Sometimes I feel I'm being unfair to dh telling him to say no. Dh normally feels he should say yes but he's realised we just can't spare it at the moment. In the past its caused arguments because a couple of times he hasn't told me he's lent it to them and I've found out later on.
They don't work they are both retired.
We have suggested to them theyy might be better off applying for a council house and for housing benefit but for some reason they won't.

expatinscotland Tue 26-Jan-16 13:42:06

Do they ever pay you back? I'll bet they don't. They don't need to be a in council home to get housing benefit. They can apply as private renters.

FP239 Tue 26-Jan-16 13:51:51

OP, please break this cycle with your OH. My mother and her husband are exactly the same, they used to take money from friends and family left right and centre. Then about 18 months ago announced that their landlord was making them homeless, they casually forgot about the 3k rent arrears they had built up! I knew they would never manage to keep a private rental roof over their head so my brothers and I had to move them across the country to mums home town where she could get a little council bungalow. We paid removal costs, carpets etc but made a choice right then to never give them money again. We may help out with a bag of food from the freezer/cupboards once in a blue moon but they no longer get a penny from us. They still survive, still manage to smoke and drink despite being paupers.....but now I have a bit of my own money to spend on my 5 kids.

chillycurtains Tue 26-Jan-16 13:52:58

YANBU at all.

If she has medical conditions then can you look around and see if there are benefits that she could be entitled too. I mean things like help with the heating bills, etc.

caitlinohara Tue 26-Jan-16 14:32:15

Where have their money problems come from? Sounds pretty serious if it's got to the stage where they can't pay rent, how come they can afford a holiday, even if it is subsidised? How awful for your dh flowers

Woodenmouse Tue 26-Jan-16 14:46:29

They've always been crap with money. They used to own a house but lost it through not paying the mortgage. Dh has memeories of being a young child and being sent round to a family memebers house to ask for money to buy food. And on several occasions he went to school without lunch etc. I could never imaginep putting ds through that!
They are using the charity money to pay for the holiday, I hope they don't put any more money towards it otherwise I'll be livid.

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 26-Jan-16 14:49:59

DH normally feels he should say yes

Can I ask why he feels this?

We have suggested to them they might be better off applying for a council house and for housing benefit but for some reason they won't

I'd have thought the reason was obvious, just so long as they're being bailed out hmm

If this has got to the point where he'll avoid telling you about giving money, I'd suggest you have a major problem - or rather you soon will have if it's not sorted. Perhaps you could use DC2's arrival as an ideal opportunity to end this once and for all?

Woodenmouse Tue 26-Jan-16 15:00:45

He feels responsible for them, and he worries about them being made homeless.

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 26-Jan-16 15:27:51

Yes, but why does he feel responsible for their own free choices - and why does this involve handing over your family money which, in the end, makes no real difference to the situation? How does he feel this is helping anyone? More to the point, exactly how does he justify giving cash which is clearly needed for his own family?

If he really feels he has to help, how about pointing them in the direction of financial management advice? There are countless community classes for exactly this sort of thing, or if they prefer to look online, how about something like the five sites linked here:

I don't doubt that they'd find a reason to avoid that too, but really, what's his alternative - to just keep funding them in a futile hope that things might change, depriving his own children of something they might otherwise have had in the meantime?

Woodenmouse Tue 26-Jan-16 15:53:53

To be honest I'm not really sure why he still feels like that. I guess it's because he's done it so long.
It doesn't help that they get in a mood when he does say no. Honestly they act like they are entitled to everything they tell us when they are coming to visit, rather than ask. They also make out that if we help them my parents can help us. My parents don't have a lot of spare cash either. PIL are always moaning about not being able to afford holidays etc. We haven't been on holiday in years because it's beyond our means.
I think I will mention the websites to them. Something has to change. I'm songkad dh stood up to them today!

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 26-Jan-16 16:35:29

They also make out that if we help them my parents can help us

What - as in "give us the cash and get it back from DIL's parents"?? shock How does your DH feel about that incredible suggestion, and what was his response?

I'm really sorry OP, but in your position I'd be expecting DH to step up and deal with this much more effectively. Doing something "for so long" is no reason to continue indefinitely when there are alternatives, even more so when it involves disadvantages to his own family

Glad you liked the linked sites, but I'd consider very carefully before offering them yourself in case they seek to shoot the messenger ... might this be better coming from your DH, perhaps?

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 26-Jan-16 17:30:52

"Dh has memeories of being a young child and being sent round to a family memebers house to ask for money to buy food. And on several occasions he went to school without lunch etc."
So, your husband has been used trained from childhood to be responsible for bailing them out. It is very very difficult for people to challenge such thorough conditioning, so well done to your husband for managing to say 'no' to them today.

He will feel terrible, he may waver, but remember - they have effectively brainwashed him into putting them first sad.

It might be worth doing a search on FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt. You might find it chimes with your situation.

amarmai Tue 26-Jan-16 17:41:50

wow what an unfair sit for your own family, op. I think your dh needs to unbrainwashed =family counselling.

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