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AIBU?

To say think twice before becoming friends with family

45 replies

Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 10:45

Basically DH and I got very friendly with my cousin and his then girlfriend. They came on holiday with us. DH actually employed my cousin as he had no job for a time. We went to their wedding. Gave them a load of furniture that we had in storage. We exchanged birthday and Christmas presents and all seemed happy.
Suddenly it all seemed to change. They were always to busy to meet up, once we asked them to an event and got them tickets and when they suddenly could not come due to double booked themselves we never got paid back. This was the second time this happened as they never paid us back for tickets for a quiz night we all attended earlier in the year.
DHs birthday did not receive a card or present then my birthday did not receive card or present. Christmas we sent their card to my grandmas so they could get it and my husband took the Christmas present to a Saturday morning tennis coaching session that cousin does. We did not get even get a Christmas card back.
So we think right they want to cool things so we stop making an effort, but I am pleasant and wish cousins girlfriend happy birthdays on Facebook and like some of her statuses etc as I do not want any bad feeling with being family.
This quiz night comes round again (annual thing) and we do not invite them. Just before this my husband is threatened with court action over a bill that cousin did not pay (my cousin took over the tennis sessions from DH and it took a while for names to be transferred over) it did get paid but very annoying, the excuse cousin gave is he forgot!!!
Next thing I know My uncle (cousins dad) is deleting me and DH on Facebook. Every time I see my aunt and uncle we are ignored. This Christmas has gone by and we did not get a Christmas card from aunt and uncle.
My mum and dad are aware of the situation but as mad as my mum is she still sent Christmas cards and was pleasant as she sees the situation as between the four of us.
My cousins sister (so yes also my cousin) is getting married in the summer and all the family have been invited except me and DH. So my mum and dad and my sister and her family have also declined the invitation (their choice we did not ask them to).
Well the shit has now hit the fan so to speak as you can imagine and my aunt and uncle have dragged by grandma into it and other family members. My mum has also told aunt and uncle a few home truths about their son and girlfriend which ended up in my aunt screaming at her for lying!!!
I just wish we had never got friendly with them, if they had just been friends and not family we could have just all have parted ways but because it's family it's all kicked off. Never again.

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19lottie82 · 07/01/2016 10:47

Have you posted about this before?

This could happen with anyone, not just "family". I don't really see what that's got to do with it?

19lottie82 · 07/01/2016 10:48

Sorry just realised that the rest of your family had fallen out now because of it. TBH they all sound like nutters anyway, I don't think you're any worse off! W

SideOrderofChip · 07/01/2016 10:49

Not really sure what to say here.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 10:49

I have also messages my cousin asked that all the bed feeling be put to one side but have got nothing back. My cousins now wife has a really well paid job and has made lots of friends they they go to cocktail bars with and have dinner party's (nothing wrong with that) I get the feeling that me and DH do not match up to their new lifestyle

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Sandbrook · 07/01/2016 10:49

Did anyone ask them why they suddenly stopped talking to you? Or their parents?
Sounds to me like something happened or they believe something happened.
It's quite a strong reaction to them to start deliberately ignoring you

Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 10:51

I guess my point is if it was friends we could have just drifted apart and that would have been that but family means we have to see them and other family members are being dragged in. The other family members are trying not to take sides but are basically being pushed too by aunt and uncle.
Yes I have posted about this before

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Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 10:54

The only thing I can think of is we they were meant to be coming round to us just before DHs birthday (when it all started) and we cancelled because I had a huge seizure (I am epileptic) and did not know where I was and just needed to sleep. Then the funny behaviour started

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Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 10:57

I just want to bloody scream "people drift apart and we just happen to be cousins now can we all stop with the childish behaviour"'

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WorraLiberty · 07/01/2016 10:57

Have you never actually asked them what the problem is/was?

OfaFrenchmind2 · 07/01/2016 10:58

This seems too aggressive a separation to be just normal drifting off.
Can you find any reason why they would want you off their lives so strongly?

honeyroar · 07/01/2016 11:03

Did your mum ever hear why you hadn't been invited when she spoke to your aunt? It all sounds a sorry mess. What a shame. I would just distance yourself and find new friends. You can't change much, it's escalated and needs to calm down.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 11:06

Yep sorry worra I should have said I did ask them and just got a "nothing's wrong at all we will be in touch soon" response.
My cousin has always had a habit of not making an effort, he did not come to my grandmas 80th as he was playing football (the only cousin not there).

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Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 11:08

Yep my aunt said its because we did not invite them to the quiz night!!! This was 4 months after the not sending a Christmas card and not hearing from them so I just did not invite them.
They also got very friendly with another couple through us and invited them to their wedding but they cut ties with them at the same time

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Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 11:10

A bloody quiz night for goods sake, a bloody boring I have to go every year with my mum and dad as tradition and they came once quiz night.

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Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 11:13

DH seems to think they started to back off when we had Ds and looking back now they did.

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LagunaBubbles · 07/01/2016 11:14

Odd behaviour, they obviously think there is a reason, but yes I can see what you mean about it being difficult since its family. You cant be held responsible for other family members going to wedding or not and how they behave however.

Leelu6 · 07/01/2016 11:14

Some people just like to take offence. YANBU.

Do you know what your cousin told his parents, that made them delete you on Facebook and treat you like this?

It's really nice that your own parents and sister's family have supported you. It seems your cousin and aunt were expecting them to isolate you and your DH like they are trying to do but didn't succeed.

Is your aunt your mum's sister?

GruntledOne · 07/01/2016 11:14

Are they seriously getting into a huff about the quiz night knowing that they haven't paid for the tickets for the last one?

These people are emotionally incontinent children, so is your aunt. You are all better off with them out of your lives.

redjoker · 07/01/2016 11:18

some people are just plain ODD. No rhyme or reason sometimes!

pluck · 07/01/2016 11:24

Hmmmm. The apple didn't fall far from aunt & uncle's tree....

Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 11:24

No my aunt is mums SIL

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Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 11:27

They prob don't even remember not paying to be honest. They have form for not paying people back in a big way. I just thing they breeze through life not bothering and expecting others to sub them. Sorry I am sounding nasty now.
No sure if I should message cousin for a last time and try to fix things or at least stop all this bad feeling or just leave it

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catfordbetty · 07/01/2016 11:32

There's a difference between giving offence and choosing to take it. It sounds as though your cousin and his partner have done the latter ... in spades. The only thing you can do is to tell the truth of the matter to those who are willing to listen - and some of your family clearly acknowledge the truth of your account. Whether family harmony can be restored I don't know - in your situation I could probably only manage an icy politeness at future gatherings.

Leelu6 · 07/01/2016 11:42

If you've already texted cousin to try and clear the air and not had a response, then I don't think you should try again. That will just make them think they're right to behave this way.

I've just seen your other thread on them from September. Could they be annoyed that you didn't jump at their request to become friends again when your cousin's gf became pregnant? (I think you were right not to, btw).

Dollymixtureyumyum · 07/01/2016 11:48

Oh god yep forgot about that.
My cousins wife got pregnant unexpectedly and my aunt rang my mum and asked if we could be friends with them again. This was about six months ago before invites for the wedding was sent out etc. Don't think I posted the outcome in here but I said if cousin or his wife got in touch with us them selves we could take it from there and they never did.
Yep that could have led to this latest drama but my aunt is still going on about the quiz night.

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