This isn't about one incident in particular - more of a general trend in my reactions (this already doesn't sound good).
Life for me has generally been rocky to downright horrific. It's not now, apart from some chronic health issues (that are manageable) it's all quite lovely now. But that is a relatively recent state of affairs.
My childhood was quite devastatingly abusive. My adolescence spent primarily in mental health units. Towards the end, the one family member I had any sort of a relationship with committed suicide. I had DD in early my twenties. And her early life was spent dealing with some disastrously complicated legal proceedings surrounding custody.
Over a decade or so I've put myself back together, restored relationships with family, gotten my mental health sorted, completed Masters studies, settled down with DP and DD. DD is happy and healthy. I'm proud to, so far, have beaten the odds (not without significant help!).
But. I have become harsh I think. Not in an aggressive way, more in a cold kind of no-nonsense way. Which is understandable I suppose - it's been a survival strategy. But I think now that things really are settled and lovely, it's no longer particularly reasonable - and it's certainly not reasonable when I apply it to other people.
When other parents cry at Christmas performances, or DP wells up when he talks about feelings or friends are stressed over, relatively, minor issues - I just don't feel anything myself, or worse feel very frustrated. I used to be very empathetic and "feel-y" but these days I find myself more often than not thinking, "FFS pull yourself together". I KNOW that's not reasonable. It's not my business to be deciding how someone else should feel or react but I don't seem to be able to help it - at least as a private, internal reaction.
Thankfully I haven't yet ever actually said it out loud. And DP seems to get that just because I don't go in for big displays of emotion doesn't mean that I don't love him and DD dearly etc. etc. Or that just because I don't cry doesn't mean something hasn't hurt me.
There are a couple of friends in particular who are quite lovely but are big bundles of feeling. All the time. Over nothing and everything. I don't dislike them at all. But I also can't relate to them in the same way that I used to 5 or 6 years ago.
Would it be unreasonable to quietly take a step back from them? Even though I know full well they look to me for a lot of support/venting space/advice. I don't want to say anything because I don't think my position is anything like objective, but equally I don't want to end up snapping. I still see my psych from time to time and she says that over time I will probably "warm up" again. But until then, would I be being unreasonable?
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I've become a heartless bitch
47 replies
ohdearlord · 05/01/2016 12:48
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