I think I'm the worst mum ever

[kerriberri83]

Hi everyone I'm a bit of a lurker but feel I need to get this off my chest. It's a bit of a long one...

My DS is 6 and I love him to bits, me and his dad are no longer together, for the past 2 years my ex and I have the arrangement of sharing child care. This is working for us all for now. When my son is at his dad's I miss him so much and wish he was at home, can't wait until he is home, etc. At the same time I love the fact that the place is tidy and there isn't loads of washing to do.

Now when my son does come home I seem to go a bit weird...I am so happy that my son is home however I can't stand the constant mess and clutter of toys everywhere. We live in a two bed cottage flat, it's not tiny but it's not as spacious as a house. Also my son is incapable of just playing with a few toys, every single sodding toy box is emptied out. So for this reason I spend the time my son is home tidying and cleaning. All I want to be able to do is spend some time with my son. I find that I give him into trouble a lot cos I get so stressed about the mess, I tend to take my son out a lot as this avoids mess. Sometimes when I give my son into trouble for mess the look on his face makes me feel like a class A bitch.

My ex lives with his parents in the massive family home and when my son is with dad he has all his time to play with our son as my ex's mum does all the cooking/cleaning, I don't have that luxury.

I thought that I may have OCD but I don't get like this when my son is at his dad's its just when he is home. I'm a horrible bitch of a mother ain't I?

[Aeroflotgirl]

Gosh I feel the same, I love my kids but hate the constant mess. My 4 year old ds, is incapable of playing with one toy at a time, he has to empty the bloody box, trying to manage the cooking and cleaning aswell. Its like tidying papers on a desk with the fan going. I feel your pain.

[RebootYourEngine]

Dont be daft. You are not a horrible mum. How many days does your son stay with you a week? Could u keep the house messy when he is there and tidy it when he goes to his dads. Or at the end of everyday the two of you work together to tidy it all away. Just think you will only have a few more years of toys before they grow out of them.

[MrsBalustradeLanyard]

I think all parents feel this way! Miss them all day at work, five minutes home and I'm tearing my hair out at the constant questions and ridiculous mess. Totally normal OP, honest.

[Beth2511]

I let DD get on with it then spend 20 minutes once she is in bed tidying and a quick hoover. Couldnt be dealing with constantly trying to tidy up but like it tidy before i sit and relax. Any chance you can jist turn a bind eye during the day?

[kerriberri83]

Reboot I have tried that however just the sight of the mess makes me twitch ha ha, one week he is at home all days except Thursday and Friday then the following week he is away the Thursday and Friday as usual and the weekend until Sunday tea time

[WorraLiberty]

Ok, stop with the 'worst mum ever' and the 'bitch' routine and break it down.

You don't like the mess and clutter, but you want to spend time at home with your son.

Encourage/'train' him to only take 2 or 3 toys out at a time, and to put them back before he takes any more out.

Praise him every time he does it and I'm sure he'll get the hang of it in time.

[Roygrace]

I hear you op! I hate the mess, the screeching, the jumping all over me and the constant talking! But I love them and like being a mum.

Could you try to make peace with the mess. Or allow him one space he can make a mess in.

I hear you and your not alone

[usernamesandgingerbreads]

Another one who thinks most parents feel like this.

[WorraLiberty]

Oh and stop calling it 'mess'.

They're 'toys'.

He won't be allowed to empty toy boxes out at school and not tidy up after himself, so getting him into a routine might be easier than you actually think.

[Nanny0gg]

Are his toys in his room? Can he at least play with them how he likes in there?

I know it's a mess, but it's only toys. And as long as he's playing with them and not just tossing them around the room then he shouldn't be constantly controlled in how he plays with them.

(Exceptions, puzzles and anything with pieces that can be lost).

At the end of the day, he helps put them all away.

[Rebecca2014]

Same here, I make sure my house is clean and tidy when dd is gone but when she comes back its a complete mess again and I have a small house so everything just looks multiplied.

Cannot wait until shes at the age I can make her put away her toys herself.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

I always felt the same when exh came home (forces) after a stint away.

[Janeymoo50]

Sometimes the old trick of only having out an amount of toys/stuff that you can deal with can work. I always had a rule that the tubs of Lego, bricks, cars etc were never out all at the same time after a particularly painful barefoot incident on a duplo brick. I still shiver at the sound of a massive box of cars and Lego being upturned at the same time onto the sitting room floor and knowing the previously tidyish lounge was now looking like a tip.

[Ifyoubuildit]

Am so with you, I yearn to be with my kids when I'm at work and they drive me potty when I'm at home. It's perfectly normal (I hope!).

Why don't you allocate messy space and tidy space. You can take solace in the tidy space and your son can play havoc in the messy space.

[kerriberri83]

He has recently only started to play in his room, I've recently done it all up into a boys room, it was very babyish and wasn't really a place for him to play in. Most of the time the toys are all over his room, my room and living room, he is convinced he is a wrestler just now, which makes my choice of sofa a huge mistake. It's a scatter back so usually every single cushion is on the floor. The more I write this the more I realise how unreasonable I am.

[Fairenuff]

every single sodding toy box is emptied out

Aged 6 he is old enough to learn not to do this. Teach him to pack away before he gets something else out.

[Janeymoo50]

You're not unreasonable, it's stressful for you, take some control back over the amount of toys (a little at a time) and you'll feel less irritated by it.

[Lariflete]

I totally understand.
I work PT and DH works FT but I feel like I see less of the DC than he does, because I spend most of the time we are at home just cleaning, cooking etc. while Daddy is 'fun' when he gets home. And I feel horrible because DH would help out but there is always so much that needs doing that I can't just relax with DS while DD is at school.
I am working on building quality time with each child in in the New Year - swimming with DS weekly and just some time at weekends just for DD and I so that I can overcome the guilt of being 'busy' and mumsnetting too much

[FlatOnTheHill]

You sound totally normal to me. YANBU

[EponasWildDaughter]

Get him involved in the tidying up.

Maybe let him run riot and then in a good natured way involve him in the huge tidy up at the end, talk to him about playing with one thing at a time tomorrow.

Then the next day have him tidy up one box/toy set before he gets the next one out, and be happy not to have to do a big tidy up together.

Even at 6 he should see how this avoids spending ages tidying up.

[LeopardIsTheNewBlack]

My 10 year old lovely step son lives with DH and I . He has bi polar disorder and as a result is really messy and disorganized. I've been stretched thin and stressed out the past few months and having to clear up after him day in day out (even with his help) was awful. The two of us sorted out all his stuff and threw out all the McDonald's toys, junk etc. Only toys that he actually plays with stayed in his room, everything else was boxed up and put in the attic. We only let him use his toys in his room now so at least if he makes a big mess in there we can close the door and the rest of the house remains clean. Also I clean his room and wash all his laundry the weekends he goes to his mums, that way everything stays cleaner a bit longer. As much as I love him its bloody stressful dealing with a big mess!

[EponasWildDaughter]

Meant to say, i feel your pain OP. DH is the main culprit for emptying every bloody box of bricks and toys out for DD4 at the mo.

(he says he'll tidy up at the end, and mostly he does, but not until both of us have tripped or hurt our foot more than once!)

[GayByrne]

Take the toys he plays with, say 7 different sets of whatever shite. And sort he rest into shite to be thrown away, shite that is too young for him to be given away and shite that you can store in the loft to be swapped in later in the year for him to play with.

I can promise you he won't notice and when you swap them back into circulation later in the year he'll be thrilled.

As others have said, he can put things away. Teach him to do this. Combined with there being actually less crap, your life will get better. I am basically you and need to do this method of coping with the plastic shite my kids have accumulated throughout the last quarter and Christmas soon or I will lose my mind...