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AIBU?

To consider having another baby.... Logically it doesn't make sense

27 replies

ThinkingBlue · 27/12/2015 08:21

We've 2 ds's who are wonderful. They are almost 3 and 5 now. We have a lovely family life, lots of love, fun and happiness, though with plenty of challenges as well given two young children, little sleep, etc! Financially we are ok and just about to move to a four bedroom house. I keep thinking about having another child. however part of me wonders if it's almost being greedy and I should quit whilst I am ahead... I have 2 beautiful, healthy, happy, loving, strong children should I not just count myself lucky and stop there. Also we've had 7 pregnancies and only two children, not sure I can put myself through the endless agony of repetitive miscarriages again. And Dh is against the idea but not unconvincable. His concerns are because Ds 2 has been a very high needs baby and the transition from 1 to 2 children was hard. So when I consider all this, why do I still feel broody and think about a third child? Will it just pass?

OP posts:

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Enjolrass · 27/12/2015 08:33

I am not the broody type. Having 2 kids was a very long thought out process for us.

I wanted the second but not desperate.

My mum on the other hand always tells me that she gets broody even now at 60 and wishes she has more. Although logically she knows they could have afforded 3 kids. Her and dad had two, even though when they got married they both agreed they just wanted one.

I think for some people the Broody feelings don't ever really go.

The question I always ask in these threads is how do you know if you have a third/fourth that the feelings will disappear and you won't be broody again?

It's a genuine question, because I know my mum no matter how many she had, she would always want more.

How many kids you have is very personal. It's about the kids you already have, money, space, work etc.

I have teenager and 4 year old. I am always shocked about how much time the teenager needs. I thought kids got easier, and she dos for a while. But now with various clubs, after school activities, homework and socialising she takes a lot of time up. I am happy to do it, but I can't imagine it being doable if I had three.

I also wouldn't want a baby with someone I had to convince, tbh.

But it really is a personal question and what's right for me isn't right for everyone.

Enjolrass · 27/12/2015 08:35

Although logically she knows they couldn't have afforded 3 kids.

OliviaBenson · 27/12/2015 08:35

"And Dh is against the idea but not unconvincable."

For this reason alone, don't. Both parents should be on board, you shouldn't have to convince your DH.

waitingforsomething · 27/12/2015 08:39

I wouldn't in your position. But that is from someone who finds the first year of a baby's life difficult. Dd is 3 and gorgeous (tough baby) and DS is 5.5 months and is a typical baby- I love him but find it a hardship. I long for him to be 18months or so and I can be past babies and enjoying children. I am looking forward to having a 3 and 5 year old!
If you like the baby stage and feel you could go back to it now then do but if your Dh isn't keen and you've got to the children stage I would leave it

ThinkingBlue · 27/12/2015 08:41

Very sound advic enjolrass - thank you.
I agree Olivia, as I say logically it's foolish thinking but for some reason I can't shake the feeling. I'm not generally a rash person so would never do anything without good consideration so logic likely to win.

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 27/12/2015 08:43

I think Enjolras has put it perfectly. Two young children and a baby is far easier logistically than three teenagers. Also teenagers are far more expensive and high maintenance.

DD is 15 and the hassle and worry she has caused us with bullying, friendship issues, boyfriend issues, social life and GCSE stress has made me very thankful that we only have to go through this once.

I would quit while you are ahead. Also, your husband gets a say in this matter as well.

ReallyTired · 27/12/2015 08:43

The desire to have children can be overwhelming even when it's financially silly. It sounds like the op has had a really rough time.

Duckdeamon · 27/12/2015 08:45

Can understand the fearful feelings having had the same no of pregnancies and DC.

If you tried for dc3 and had further miscarriages, would you/your H want to try again? Obviously you can't predict in advance how you'd each feel, but it'd be hard if, for example, one of you wanted to keep trying and the other didn't.

Do you both work? Have family support? WoH with 3 DC seems harder than 2 IMO: the people I know who do this can afford a nanny or have family support.

DropYourSword · 27/12/2015 08:45

Although I appreciate it's difficult, I think decisions about extending your family should be made from your head, not just your heart. Sounds to me at this minute it's all coming from the heart, which can be a recipe for disaster when the fairytale daydream becomes hard reality.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 27/12/2015 09:34

I don't think YABU to want to. But equally it sounds like you have a great setup already.

PingpongDingDong · 27/12/2015 09:40

The desire to have children or more children is not really a "logical" thing is it? It can be an incredibly strong urge that feels overwhelming despite our knowledge that to act on it could cause immense challenges. I understand your feelings. Obviously it's up to you both but no, I wouldn't have a 3rd in your situation. It sounds like you're all sorted and comfortable now. I'd just keep thinking of worst case scenarios to keep my broody feelings at bay!!!!!

MatildaTheCat · 27/12/2015 09:43

I would say leave it for a while. Move into your new house and settle. Keep the idea on the back burner as a maybe. In a year or so discuss fully with your dh and then accept the decision as final.

At your stage I wanted another. Really badly. In the end I accepted that dh didn't and we moved on. Sometimes I still have a pang for my third child but the intense broodiness did pass.

As pp points out, no saying you won't still want number 5,5 or 6 if you go ahead. Also no guarantees that you won't have twins...

Enjoy the fun times and reconsider later.

FairyFluffbum · 27/12/2015 10:14

I had the same thing....we have two and we really wanted a third.
We have the room and we could manage financially but after a long discussion we have decided not to.
It's sad and my husband was upset but we know it's the right thing to do.
I don't tolerate pregnancy very well. I'm still suffering from the birth of my son and he is 9 months.
I hate not sleeping well and we have just got them both sleeping through the night.
I then think about the future. With two, package holidays are easier to book. Same to theatres and shows.
School uniforms are cheaper.
And the balance between my two is perfect at the moment. They clearly adore each other and I don't want to introduce a 3rd and upset it

mudandmayhem01 · 27/12/2015 10:25

Unscientific survey here, the only couples in our immediate friendship group who have got divorced so far are those with three children!

idiuntno57 · 27/12/2015 10:30

I had four in the same amount of years

10 yrs later this has totally wiped me of any sort of broodiness.

It's a radical solution but effective.

Nb DH and I still happy and together but still united in desire not to have more

winterswan · 27/12/2015 10:31

Unpopular viewpoint: I feel environmentally it's important at this stage for families in first world countries to have no more than two pregnancies.

Bunbaker · 27/12/2015 10:38

Shouldn't you rephrase that to two children? Not all pregnancies have a successful outcome, as the OP has already pointed out.

winterswan · 27/12/2015 10:39

I think you know I was referring to the possibility of multiple births.

BarbarianMum · 27/12/2015 10:42

I have been in your position almost exactly. In the end we stuck at 2. I do have regrets and if I was younger (am in my 40s now) would definitely try for another.

But. When mine were 5 and 3 I was pretty much exhausted all the time. I am not sure how well I'd have coped with 3 (obviously I'd have coped but it would have taken a toll on our marriage). I would not have gone back to work when I did (I went back when ds2 started school) and so probably would never have worked professionally again.

I am a better mum to 2 children then I would have been for 3 born so close together.

Even now, when I regret not having a third, I think I did make the right decision - or at least one I had good reason for making.

orangepudding · 27/12/2015 10:52

I understand your feeling well. I have 3 children, the youngest is 7. I feel desperately broody at the moment. I know realistically it's a bad idea as three is already hard work, also we moved to a four bed a couple of years ago so they could all have their own bedroom and we can't afford a bigger house. I am hoping it will pass, I also imagine I am someone who will always be broody but I am surprised at how intense it is right now.

YeOldeTrout · 27/12/2015 11:03

My life would have been a lot easier & simpler if I had stopped at 2. Just saying.

Boomingmarvellous · 27/12/2015 12:26

Do you have a job? Career on hold?

Perhaps if you were diverted away from the broodiness it would disappear.

You currently look to have a perfect life so why push for something that may cause you months of distress and is something your DH doesn't want?

Broodiness is like a toddler tantrum. If you find a diversion they usually go away.

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ThinkingBlue · 27/12/2015 14:11

Everything you all say makes perfect sense, and actually I agree to an extent about the environmental comment. I certainly don't think we should have children for the sake of it either. Odd combination of sensible me versus emotional me - sensible most likely will win!
Boomingmarvellous I wonder if career thing is the main trigger, I've recently returned to my career above where I was and seemingly doing very well. I live it but struggling with rebalancing family life out again. From another child point of view this would be problematic as I'm the main earner now, so maternity leave would be difficult anyhow. I wonder if returning to work and my youngest stopping bf has made me feel broody again, trying to recapture baby days, which though challenging I've loved. However I also love this chapter and the freedom we have now with our boys, we do have a lovely family life!

OP posts:

Enjolrass · 27/12/2015 14:28

Returning to work after my second was quite difficult. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was doing the right thing.

Long term the career didn't work out. I decided 70 hour weeks wasn't for me. I work from home for myself now with dh.

Having two made that possible. Three would have kept me in a higher paid but demanding job. Having a third now would mean one of us taking a back seat in the business and working when the baby was napping etc. Now both mine are at school I work between school hours and a few hours when they are asleep if I need to. With dh doing the same.

We can concentrate on building the business and being there for the kids when they are here.

venividivicky · 27/12/2015 14:50

There is never a right time to have a baby, whether it be 1st, 2nd or 3rd, but also few people regret their choice. I am in the minority but would say go for it. My DH needed some persuasion for DC3 but he adores her.

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