To wonder what my Inlaws were thinking?

[19lottie82]

OK, back story, sorry this is kind of long!

I have been with my DH for 6 years now, married for 2. He has 2 DDs, who I get on well with and they live with us half the time, and with their Mum half the time. His ex is a recovering alcoholic, but has been sober for a year ish now.

He and her are amicable (just, for most of the time) for the sake of the kids, but I've only met her once in passing, which resulted in texts to my DH calling me fat and ugly. My other encounters with her have been one sided face book messages from her to me full of abuse ect ect and that's been about it, but she constantly slags me toff to the kids and to my DH.
There are other examples of her kicking off but I'll try not to waffle.

I get on OK with his parents, but in general I find them slightly ignorant. We scrimped and saved to be blue to afford a house nearer the girls school, and for them to have their own rooms ( something PILs commented on a LOT until we finally got the deposit together to buy our current home). Anyway, we moved in in September, and they haven't been to see it once, despite invitations, and the fact they live less than a mile away.
Also when I go to theirs they just talk amongst themselves and I get asked the odd small talk question every half an hour or so, they nod and then go back to the main conversation, which is usually nothing I can really join in with, like about my FIL's business, or similar.
If you asked them how old I was, or where I worked, I don't think they would know, despite me being with their son for 6 years and helping to raise their DGC's.

We were supposed to go to my PILs for dinner today with the girls (they stayed at their Mums last night) for a belated Christmas meal.

An hour ago my DH got a phone call from his ex saying his parents had invited her for dinner! Now, there is no way I can go now without it being the most uncomfortable scenario you can even begin to imagine. For me, my DH and the DC's. I would assume she would have thought the same, but she's told DH she is going and isn't going to change her mind.

Now he's upset because it was supposed to be "our family meal" with his parents (who btw neglected to tell either of us they have invited his crazy ex wife! ). If she hadn't have told him, we would have just turned up none the wiser!

I've told DH if he wants to go alone I don't mind, but he's saying, no he won't go now. But he is upset as ex had the kids last night and is taking them to her side of the family tomorrow night, for a big do, then it's "her" week with the kids. (We do a week on a week off). So when wil he get quality Christmas time with me him and the kids?

He's left about half an hour ago to "speak" to his parents but I'm already dreading the outcome. He will end up upset, the DC's will end upset and he will no doubly end up having a row with his parents.

AIBU in thinking what the hell were they thinking?

Oh and just to point out, even though we don't get on great, they don't have mega love for the ex either! So it's not like they love her and hate me, or think if it wasn't for me DH would have got back with her or anything like that!

Sorry for waffling!

[QueenArseClangers]

Bloody hell!
What time are you supposed to be there?
Could you brazen it out?
Have a plan/code word between you and DH that means let's pack up and leave?

Your PIL sound like right dicks

[QueenArseClangers]

Do PIL have contact with her normally?

[Enjolrass]

If I were him and it was my day to have the kids, I would cancel lunch are parents and bring the girls to my house.

Let pils and ex have dinner alone.

Is there a chance the girls asked pil to ask her?

[ohtheholidays]

If she is really going then I think your DH does need to have it out with his parents because honestly that is really a batshit thing for them to do.

[Potatoface2]

just go.....be nice, let her do her worst and show herself up for what she is....shes doing herself no favours cos eventually she will be sad and lonely...hold your head up and be polite, be the better person

[pleasegotowork]

Did your DH not pick up the phone immediately to his parents and ask what the hell was going on?? I'd be SO cross if I were him that his parents did this behind his back. That's beyond ignorant.

[longtimelurking]

PIL sound like they are shit stirrers and enjoy the drama. They are being incredibly unreasonable and beyond ignorant.

[scarlets]

If it's "his" day, he should just bring the children home. Take them for pizza/cinema, whatever they'd enjoy.

[oneowlgirl]

Totally agree with Scarlet - just do your own thing with the DCs & don't go near his parents.

[GabiSolis]

I think it's odd but I would probably go anyway and just leave the moment anything snarky is said. Have a plan in place to take the dds back to your house since its your DH's day with them, but it might all be okay. I certainly wouldn't be playing up to the drama by just not going. It's smack of stamping your feet because it's not what you wanted (I know that's not the case here, but that's how it will be seen).

[GwynethPaltrowIamNot]

I'd bring the children back to yours and let them get on with it

[Bakeoffcake]

I agree your DH should just go and get the DC and bring them back to your house.

Ignore the ILs and Ex. They obviously have very boring lives and need to create drama.

[19lottie82]

Well he's back from his parents, but apparently told his dad he's "not feeling well", so might not make it, but will pop in for an hour if he feels up to it.

The main issue here is not to upset the kids, which looks like it's going to happen to some degree now anyway, so going to get them isn't really an option as they are looking forward to the family meal at their gran and grandads.

I could be the bigger person and just go yes, but tbh I don't have the mental energy at the moment.

So it looks like DH will prob pop in for a bit while I stay home. I don't really mind, I just wish he'd say something to his parents about their total lack of respect / crap treatment of me. He says he will, just not now, at Christmas, as he doesn't want any more fights. I do kind of understand where he's coming from, because as I already mentioned, the main priority is not upsetting the kids at Christmas, but I can't see it happening in the future tbh!

[Bakeoffcake]

You sound so lovely OP. You are right that the DC shouldn't be upset at Christmas. Let them get on with the dinner but let DH know that he HAS to say something in January and he would accept them treating you so horribly in future.

[19lottie82]

The ironic thing is you think his parents would adore me compared to his ex! When we first got together she was a proper alcoholic for the first four years, so I basically took over her role in raising the kids. Without blowing my own trumpet, I'm a nice enough person, employed, responsible and solvent..... Lol
I've busted my gut to buy us all a house near the kids school (and their mum) with plenty of space, but as I already explained the fact they haven't even been to see it or sent us a new home card kind of hurt.
Whenever we visit them I make an effort but they just have nothing to say to me, and I have no clue why!

[Lndnmummy]

op you sound so lovely. X

[19lottie82]

Thanks bakeoff, the other thing is that PIL must have known that this scenario would cause tension which would be bound to affect the DC's to some extent, no matter which way things went!

Glad to know MN doesn't think I'm being a bitch!

[19lottie82]

Thanks lndnmummy, I'm far from perfect but I try! Kids have been through a rough enough time in their shot lives already!

Oh and forgot to mention, FIL told DH they r going on holiday for 10 days in the new year so DH will have to pop in twice a day to check the house, look after the chickens and look after the dog! I'm self employed at the moment, and DH works, so guess who will be doing the dog watching? Not that I can say no to the dog tho, she's lovely!

[helennotsomadnow]

can you ring them yourself and talk to them about how their thoughless behaviour has upset you and your dh, and affected your family time?

[19lottie82]

Helen..........I would love to but unfortunately tha would never happen! All that would do would cause a huge rift. They would never admit they were, or even might be wrong! It would be more trouble than it's worth!

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

perhaps ypthe kids have asked and they think you should all be able to be grown ups for such a short duration.

[Lynnm63]

FiL TOLD you he was going away? He didn't ask you to pop in twice a day to look after the dog and chickens? You're a saint OP. Id be railing at DH that FiL could get batshit alcoholic ex to feed the sodding chickens.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Also when I go to theirs they just talk amongst themselves and I get asked the odd small talk question every half an hour or so, they nod and then go back to the main conversation"
And what has your husband done about their behaviour, other than say nothing to them about it for SIX YEARS?

[19lottie82]

No, the kid wouldn't ask...... They would find the whole thing uncomfortable as us.

My DH does acknowledge that they are very ignorant but he won't say it to them. He claims its "just the way they are". I'm not that bothered anymore tbh. I just let them get on with it. They're not bad people, just a bit ignorant and selfish IMO. I don't usually let it get to me, I gave up trying after 3 years of being ignored when I made an effort, but today upset me a bit for some reason, I'm not sure why.

I was less bothered when they were late to our wedding then got blind drunk and left at 8pm without even saying goodbye and MIL didn't even take home the £45 bouquet DH bought for her (and same for my DM) which was given to her during the speeches!