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AIBU?

to be upset about waiting even though I understand why?

32 replies

happybus28 · 14/12/2015 12:38

Basically me and DH decided in about July that we wanted to start TTC when we got back off honeymoon in October. We want children so much and have really been looking forward to us starting a family.

Stupidly we got a bit carried away with it all and didn't really consider the financial implications of me being on Mat leave (I only get statutory mat pay). Bit of misunderstanding between the 2 of us as he thought I would get more and as a result after 1st month off the pill we did the math and realised just how screwed we would be financially if I get pregnant any time within the next 6 months.

All our savings went on paying for the wedding so we have no savings at all to fall back on/use to top up mat pay. I also would only get statutory sick pay if I needed any time off due to illness with pregnancy etc. Unfortunately I work for a small family run independent business so get the minimum of everything!!

As a result of a very tearful (me) conversation we have decided to postpone TTC for at least 6 months so we can build up some more savings and then hopefully I'll have a chance of having a decent length mat leave without money being quite as tight. I know we are doing the right thing and the last thing I want is to put added pressure/strain on our relationship by us having financial difficulties but I feel devastated that something I was looking forward to so much and so desperately want now can't happen for at least another 6 months. A positive is that a couple of things we pay out monthly are due to end in April (credit card and sofas) so we will be about £200 a month better off from then which can be saved so there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

I suppose I feel a bit unreasonable for feeling so gutted about something that I know is the right decision and annoyed that we didn't realise this before getting swept away with it all. I've felt so down in the past few days since we discussed it I can't seem to snap myself out of it. Thanks for reading if you've got this far :)

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loveulotslikejellytots · 14/12/2015 12:47

We were in the same situation a few years ago. The only difference was we had to wait 2 years! This was mainly for Dh to get a permanent contract at work.

At the time, it felt awful. Honestly it felt like we were putting our lives on hold. December 2014 he finally got his job, we started ttc and I'm due next month.

The only difference is, now he has his job, we are better off financially and Dh works shifts so when I go back to work we will share the childcare between us. No childcare costs etc. better home/work/life balance.

It feels like ages away, but I'm so glad we did wait, I can't imagine facing mat leave knowing I could only have 3 months off because of money or having to go back full time to pay for nursery etc. Persevere... You'll get there!

happybus28 · 14/12/2015 13:25

Yeah when I think logically I totally know we are doing the right thing. I think it's made it worse that we actually started TTC before we realised the impact it would have which I know is our own fault! I know 6 months isn't that long but it feels like it! Hopefully I'll feel a bit more positive soon!

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blobbityblob · 14/12/2015 13:30

I know you won't believe me, but one day you'll be so grateful you thought it through so well.

We thought we had and thought we could manage. But still spent those early years struggling financially. It's not much fun when you want to be doing things with your dc but can't and everybody else around you seems to be doing them. I think I wore the same pair of boots, winter and summer for five years! I then ended up working in a horrible job evenings and weekends to make up the shortfall. It really is better to think with your head and ensure you can enjoy the time, if time is on your side. Hang in there.

happybus28 · 14/12/2015 13:42

Thank you blobbity it helps to hear other peoples experiences and that it really is the best thing to do. I think I need a hobby/something to keep my mind occupied for a while though ideally one that doesn't cost much lol! Probably doesn't help that I have post wedding blues as well!

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loveulotslikejellytots · 14/12/2015 13:55

And honestly, 6 months is nothing. It's nice you have a time frame! When we decided to wait, it was just open ended. Had hoped for 6-12 months, turned out to be 2 years.

But we've spent the last couple of months preparing the baby's room and buying clothes etc without worrying too much about how much we're spending. In a similar way I know I can have at least 6 months off next year possibly longer if we keep saving money while I'm off.

Friends said to us that there is never a good time to have a baby, you'll make it work regardless of income. But income isn't everything. Dh's shifts now mean he'll be able to spend a lot more time with us which will be lovely for him, something I hadn't actually considered before.

Find yourself a project and the time will fly!

KatyN · 14/12/2015 13:55

We had this but for a medical reason that needed me to be referred to the hospital. I think we had to wait 4 months and you would not believe how many people fell pregnant during those months.
My sympathies, but it will be worth it (she says 38 weeks pregnant, unable to sleep. Shocking heart burn and desperate to give birth)!!

Surely your first job will be to out your wedding photos in an album??!!

LaurieLemons · 14/12/2015 14:27

Totally normal to feel like this! Make a plan for your finances and other stuff, and think of it as your last bit of time together as a couple. When you do have children, you'll do anything for a night in just the two of you!

starkers1 · 14/12/2015 15:14

Happy how old are you? Also consider you don't have to take the full year off.

whatsoever · 14/12/2015 15:28

Natural to feel that way, don't be hard on yourself. But you're totally doing the right thing. Financial stress on top of new baby stress would be rubbish.

chelle792 · 14/12/2015 15:36

Just popping in to remind myself to answer more fully later!

I'm in the same position as you

Interrobanger · 14/12/2015 15:47

I'm in exactly the same position. It's gutting but the right thing to do.

In a sort of 'Sliding Doors' scenario, I know a couple who didn't properly plan financially for their baby figuring it'd 'all work itself out' and they are really struggling.

Hang in there!

LumpySpaceCow · 14/12/2015 16:03

I didn't plan it properly and missed out on the enhanced maternity pay by a week! If I would have waited, I would have basically received full pay for 6 months! I managed to have 9 months off but it was a struggle. It was much easier second time around with full mat pay and I had more than a year off. The first was 6 years ago and I obviously don't regret anything but I remember it being hard and I was so eager to have a baby.
6 months will go in no time!

Musicaltheatremum · 14/12/2015 16:08

And remember, put that £200 you will save directly into a savings account by direct debit. In 5 months thats £1000. Good luck.

happybus28 · 14/12/2015 16:13

Thank you so much for your lovely messages! I like the idea of thinking of it as our last time together before the madness of having a baby! I hadn't really thought of if like that! It's hard to be sensible sometimes isn't it but i know it'll pay off :)

Getting our wedding album sorted is a good idea, that is something I do really need to do!

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Wagglebees · 14/12/2015 16:16

I know it's the sensible thing to do. I know this so my head agrees with everyone else but... I feel tou should start ttc now. It might take 6 months to get pregnant or even longer.

I am projecting massively here though. We ended up having to have lots of IVF treatment that took years. If we'd waited, we'd be another year or so behind now.

I know it's non-sensible advice but I had to put it out there.

Wagglebees · 14/12/2015 16:17

And I do think it depends on your age too.

Wagglebees · 14/12/2015 16:18

Btw it is highly unlikely you'll have any problems.

happybus28 · 14/12/2015 17:26

It's fine wagglebees that's kinda my thoughts too. I am 28 and OH 30 so knowing we do have age on our side helps me agree with waiting a bit. I think if I was a few years older I would definitely be thinking 'sod it' let's just try. It's heart vs head though!!

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chelle792 · 14/12/2015 22:35

Hey. I'm finally back after bookmarking earlier. We got married in Nov and are really financially tight.

I had a mmc at 11 weeks in the summer so would love to try again.

We've decided to wait and are trying to keep it as a positive decision. We look at every penny saved as one step closer to getting our baby.

it sucks

Vixxfacee · 14/12/2015 22:42

My dp wanted to wait until I had finished uni and then was in a job so we were more secure financially.

Then we had issues and it is over 2 years since we officially started trying and we are in the middle of ivf. Definitely not saying this will happen to you but I wish i had tried when I wanted to. (I started trying at 27).

OwlinaTree · 14/12/2015 22:46

It is hard once you have decided, it's so exciting to think about a baby.

But I think you are doing the right thing, you will really appreciate worry free time with your baby when it comes.

As waggle says, yes it could take ages to concieve but equally it might not. You are young, so I would say enjoy married life, do things you will not be able to do with a baby (night club, cinema, posh meal out, lie in all morning to name a few). The time will pass so quickly!

happybus28 · 14/12/2015 22:58

I think it's the not knowing how long it might take that bothers me. If I knew that it will happen within a couple of months then I wouldn't be as bothered about waiting, it's the knowledge that we could wait 6 months and even then it could take a year or longer to actually get pregnant. I have no reason to think we would have issues but equally neither of us have TTC before so don't really know!

On the flip side though, we could start trying now and it could happen straight away in which case we would be looking at only being able to afford me having 3 months off (even that being tight) then having to go back to work full time which would be really tough. It's life though isn't it I suppose! None of us can predict the future unfortunately

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happybus28 · 14/12/2015 23:03

chelle sorry to hear about your mmc I'm thinking the same as you in that every month is another month of me working full time which means more savings and more time off work with my baby when the time comes. Deep down I want to be able to have a good maternity leave to focus on being a mummy and raising our child without massive financial pressure hanging over us. Just trying to focus on the positives and trying not to notice all the newborn babies that I seem to be seeing everywhere I look at the moment!!!

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Junosmum · 14/12/2015 23:10

We were in the same position, we figured it would take months to get pregnant so we could save and try and we'd both have permenant contracts before I became pregnant. Luckily I'm great at saving and in the last 8months since we began trying I've save just enough to pay my half of the bills and bought baby stuff, we both have got permenant contracts. All of this is good as I start mat leave on Wednesday at 8months pregnant. it took one month to get pregnant so you are doing the right thing waiting!

needastrongone · 14/12/2015 23:20

Hey OP, I got pregnant by accident 2 months before I got married, albeit 17 years ago. Me and DH didn't ever get any time as a married couple before DS came along (then DD 18 months later). I wouldn't have it any other way now as my DC are the best thing ever obviously, but I am also looking forward to when they go to Uni etc, as it will be the first time that we have had time on our own as a married couple. Try to turn a negative into a positive iyswim?

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