To resent my husband for being sick?!(38 Posts)
Hey ladies - this is my first post and I'm feeling pretty low. Am 7 months pregnant and working 4 days a week. My OH and I are pretty equal when it comes to doing bedtimes etc and thats always been our way. But now that its the xmas season my OH has had a series of xmas parties over the last fortnight meaning I have been home alone in the evenings a lot, while he is out drinking and he plays football EVERY saturday 11-6. So I feel like for the last month the scales have definitely tipped to me being 'default parent' doing the lions share of the childcare. This week when not working I have been with our toddler on my own - so all day Friday and Saturday and was really looking forward to just a bit of time to myself on Sunday but then OH goes and gets flu on sat night (after a huge day of drinking on friday and football on saturday) so alone again yesterday on mummy duty. Today I am meant to be at work but childminder is off and OH in bed. My one and only christmas party was tonight. I obviously cant go and I am so furious at him. He got to go to all his parties, he got to go and play football, and now he's sick. The ONE night i was going to go and have some (sober) fun. I havent had a moment away from my DC for nearly a week and I feel like I am going nuts. He has more parties at the end of the week and its all i can do to scream at him that he isn't going to them. AIBU to expect him to not go to any this week once better so i can take some time for me??
YANBU to want a break when he's feeling better.
Don't start a fight. Just calmly claim your free time, as it is your right. Expect him to sort the childcare, etc.
YABU. He is sick. You say you usually share everything equally. So the first time it doesn't you are moaning online about it? Just get on with it. Plenty more opportunities for you to have some 'me' time in the furture. What did you think being a parent was going to be like?
Why cany he have the toddler? So many mums have no choice but to carry on through illness that it surely wont hurt for him to be on his own with his son for a couple of hours before bed.
If he really has flu and not just a rotten cold he won't be up to going out at the weekend
How sick is sick ?? Are we talking headcold and runndown because he spent the week getting pissed ??
It's highly unlikely to be actual flu, he wouldnt be planning the rest of his nights out if it was. I'd go, theyll be fine.
Actual flu is horrible-the timing is dreadful and I can user stand why you're upset but really he can't help it (unless he isn't really ill but I don't get that impression from your post). Could you try a babysitting service for tonight so you can still get to your party, or is there someone who could help put your toddler to bed if your dh is genuinely too ill to manage it?
If it's proper flu he won't be well enough to go out next weekend.
The fact that you say it's usually very equal means Yabu. But I am not surprised you feel a bit frustrated.
Unless you think he is faking, you need to just suck it up unfortunately.
He gets to go out evenings and weekends, probably ran himself into the ground burning the candle at both ends and it is is partner who pays the price. Is this what he thought being a parent would be like?
OP - he should give up the other parties so you can have some time.
YANBU to be annoyed
YABU to be annoyed with your DH.I am sure he would rather be well and looking after your DC than in bed with flu!!
.Why can't you go after you have put your child to bed?
Has he actually got flu , or is he just knackered from all the parties?
I'd put the toddler to bed and go to the party, leaving DH in charge- you're staying sober anyway, so could easily come home in a genuine emergency.
And if he has actual flu he won't be well enough to go out at the end of the week.
He's out all day every Saturday and you think you're equal?
Hmm - not so much.
When you have your new baby he needs to rethink his priorities.
If he's just a bit poorly, put your DC to bed and leave him to it - enjoy your party!
I think pretty equal includes making time for xmas parties - he has had his go and needs to make it up to you. If he is genuinely too sick to mind the toddler tonight then he cannot do another weekend of parties or he will probably ruin xmas with ill health, plus he owes his family. I would let him make the call and see if he thinks you should go to yours once faced with the decision...
What does he do that he has so many Christmas parties? I agree that if he's gone to a few already he should give this week's a miss.
I'm not a doctor but I would be very surprised if real flu just sprang out of nowhere. Surely he would have been feeling too ill to go out the couple of days previous to coming down with it?
Don't assume it's flu and that you won't be able to go out.
Bring him a coffee and see that he gets up and moving about. That way you'll both be able to gauge how ill he is.
He might well be able to manage to care for his child.
I appreciate he has flu and is probably feeling awful, but why can't you go out? He's still capable of basic childcare. My DH still goes to work if I've had flu, once had a case of vomiting where I fainted four times that day and was left and even had pneumonia and had to cope (in all fairness we didn't realize it was this first couple of days, have now had it twice and he has tried to organize friends for school runs etc but I've still had kids around). Even when I've felt this bad, I've still got myself onto the settee where I can see/hear what's going on.
Throughout the day mention you're night out a few times, ie what you'll be wearing, looking forward to seeing ... , that way it'll be clear to him he's going to have to get out of bed.
Is it flu? Or Has he got a sniffy nose and a sore head and a cold?
There's a huge difference.
One is actually life threatening and therefore YABU.
The other is a cold and YANBU.
I myself have just coped with 2 DC (1&3) whilst having a nasty sinus infection (literally spent a day on the floor so the DC could still play with me but I didn't have to move my head) and tonsillitis at the same time.
If your OH is so ill that he physically can't get out of bed then fair enough. But if he is just tired and is milking it then He is BU and you should go out tonight
I agree with PP. How ill really is he? If he's just got a bad cold then I think he just needs to suck it up for a couple of hours until the dc go to bed. If he's really got 'proper' flu then he won't be going to any parties this week and you should stay and look after the dc BUT you should claim the right to a night off once he is better.
P.S. If he says he has 'proper' flu and there's no way he can look after the kids this evening, but then miraculously recovers in time for his parties later in the week, then I believe you can justifiably kill him.
I'm not sure it's actual flu. I reckon it's a bad cold brought on by way too much overindulgence and a general lowering of immune defences during that time of year where really one ought to be mindful of looking after oneself.
If you were left at home with the little one(s) for whatever reason and you had your death of cold I bet you would still drag yourself out of bed to feed and clothe them and care for them, even if it was the bare minimum care while they watch cbbc all day. So I think he can step up.
You need to have your night out and he needs to be an actual parent not just a once-in-a-blue-moon 'babysitter'.
Sorry above should read "If he's just got a bad cold then I think he just needs to suck it up for a couple of hours until the dc go to bed, and look after them whilst you go out". Not sure where the end of that sentence went!
My DH has had a similar succession of party after party, and I feel your pain OP!! I realise that he does have to go (it really is part of his job), but it gets wearing when you're stuck at home organising Christmas and they're out having fun!
I definitely think he owes you, big style. I think for every night he's been out, you deserve one ! I would plan on catching up with loads of your old friends, starting now. You sound like you need a break straight away, tbh - so I definitely think you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him not to go to one of the parties later in the week.
I also think this football practice needs addressing. 11-6 is a ridiculously long time - he can't be playing that entire time?
Thank you. I think this is the actual cause of frustration - it doesnt actually feel like this month has been equal at all!
Grundrisse - thank you so much for your message - its nice to know i am not alone! It feels like its just been a series of parties - work party, uni party, friends from home party - you name it. I have been trying to be supportive knowing that when we have two it will be harder to catch up with friends but it feels like missing my only night out is the straw that broke the camels back. Meanwhile I've done all the prepping for xmas, childcare and housework. The football is a pain as travel can take up over 3 hours of it, then of course there is the drink after football......
If it's flu he won't be up to anymore parties this month. If he's still talking and eating then I would still go out tonight tbh in case I catch it next.
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