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conjugal visit

(36 Posts)
Tamponlady Mon 07-Dec-15 20:52:27

Just watching a show prison wife's and this one lady moaning on about not being able to have a conjugal visit for 3 years because they were married after he was sentenced he's doing 60 years for murder and saying how she wants a baby

I felt a bit judgy but thought tbh
I don't think it's fair on the child

To set out to be a single parent is odd
To Raise a child having to grow up with the stigma that their father committed a double murder
And to have society support you because you choose to have a child with a man that can't support you

Also that your own child is more like to be a criminal

I also thought a lot of women quite like the fact they have a man that can't cheat on them and writes them adoring letters weekly as if pride and prejudice.

Also wonder why conjugal visits have never been asked for here tbh if I were a prisoner voting would not be top of my agenda

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 07-Dec-15 21:23:40

What would make the child more likely to be a criminal?

I don't think that there is a proven link that children of murderers tend to be criminals.

I also don't think it's that odd to set out as a single parent, it's a valid life choice.

I wouldn't necessarily say that having a child with a murderer is advisable but many of the reasons you give against it are a bit iffy.

Cutecat78 Mon 07-Dec-15 21:25:23

I think it's two separate issues.

The conjugal visits and the starting a family and am not sure how I feel about either.

If you lose your Liberty you should lose everything associated with that.

Tamponlady Mon 07-Dec-15 21:40:09

Troll

This

This paper explores mechanisms of intergenerational transmission of criminal behaviour by investigating specifically the timing and frequency of the parents’ criminal behaviour while including risk factors for criminal behaviour. The results demonstrate a dose􏰀response relationship: parents’ number of criminal convictions is positively related to offspring’s conviction rate. Furthermore, children whose parents had only been convicted before the child’s birth have more convictions than those whose parents had never been convicted. Children whose parents had been convicted after the child’s birth have more convictions than those whose parents had only been convicted before the child’s birth, but this difference can be explained partly by the observation that the latter group had fewer risk factors for crime. When parental convictions at different ages were examined, children whose parents had been convicted between their 7th and 13th birthdays exhibit more criminal behaviour than children whose parents were convicted in other periods, but none of the differences were significant. There does not appear to be a sensitive period for the impact of parental criminal behaviour. The results demonstrate support for static as well as dynamic explanations of intergenerational transmission such as the transmission of a criminogenic environment and/or mediation through risk factors.

It sadly well known that your more likely to come into contact with the authorities if you have a parent or parents in jail not nessiarly be a murder but it's about your parents moral compass what they see as right and wrong and also the types of people the assciote with if that makes sence

CastaDiva Mon 07-Dec-15 21:42:16

I don't think that 'setting out to be a single parent is odd' at all. It's hardly a wildly unusual life choice.

And not sure what you mean about writing 'adoring letters weekly as if pride and prejudice' - Lizzy Bennet didn't have the hots for a banged-up serial killer, in my recollection.

reni2 Mon 07-Dec-15 21:47:21

Becoming a single parent is hardly an unusual life choice and perfectly valid. I have no idea what the rights of prisoners are regarding conjugal visits, can't say I've ever thought about it; but the woman has not been convicted of any crime and she is the one complaining, I understand that.

Tamponlady Mon 07-Dec-15 21:48:49

What I mean is seems to be a lot of women who get a kick out of receiving love letters and also knowing you husband cannot cheat because let's face it in the real word you wouldn't be getting weekly love letters form your husband

One would imaginen they want you to keep writing and visiting so the letters tell you everything you ever wanted to hear

reni2 Mon 07-Dec-15 21:51:29

Do they really? Of course you might get love letters from a prisoner dh, but does that make up for in no particular order lonely dinners, no support at home, no sex, only one income, no parties together, not talking in the evening?

StrawberryTeaLeaf Mon 07-Dec-15 21:57:15

How do you mean 'cannot cheat'?

StrawberryTeaLeaf Mon 07-Dec-15 22:00:29

OP you know a lot of sex goes on in prisons, right?

StrawberryTeaLeaf Mon 07-Dec-15 22:06:04

Did i break that a bit bluntly? grin

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich Mon 07-Dec-15 22:11:16

I think I know what the OP means in terms of the letters etc.

A marriage to a lifer is a "safe" marriage. Sure there is sex in prisons, but he is unlikely to dump her for another woman is he? The weekly letters professing undying love, the desperation for physical contact and it being denied, its all very romantic and wonderful and safe. He isnt there to get on her nerves, to demand his dinner on the table, dumping his filthy grundies on the floor...... star crossed lovers with none of the nasties.

However, she wants a baby, so its understandable that she wants one with her husband, although I cant help thinking that the sex she imagines in her head will be different to what she will get. Many women go it alone, there are several on MN who have purposely become pregnant on their own via donor sperm when they realised that their chances of meeting someone within their fertile window was slim, do you judge them?

I do think that she is unwise as the man she "knows" is going to be a world away from the man he actually is, but I can understand why she is saying what she is saying.

expatinscotland Mon 07-Dec-15 22:12:12

'also knowing you husband cannot cheat '

With another women. Plenty are 'gay for the stay'.

I think when you lose your liberty you lose the right to shag your spouse in fucking prison.

Senpai Mon 07-Dec-15 22:12:43

I'd imagine dating a prisoner would be easy for some women because you could create an idealized image of your partner when you aren't putting up with their day to day irritations. He could be the dangerous man that would protect her but also opens the door for her and brings her flowers, and is just sensitive but only with her. And he'll never come home to shatter those illusions.

I would imagine children having parents who were convicted having a higher conviction rate down to inherited personality traits. Impulsive people commit more crimes, and LD's that would cause that are passed down genetically. But it has nothing to do with a person actually going to prison in and of itself.

TheSpectreOfMorningtonCrescent Mon 07-Dec-15 22:13:43

Beat me to it Strawberry.
Mr Darcy, serial killer. 😏

RevoltingPeasant Mon 07-Dec-15 22:14:03

Why do you assume it's got to be the state or her husband who supports her?

You do know women can support themselves right?

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich Mon 07-Dec-15 22:14:31

Of course you might get love letters from a prisoner dh, but does that make up for in no particular order lonely dinners, no support at home, no sex, only one income, no parties together, not talking in the evening?

To some people it really is. She may well want all that but not been able to find it. Or she has been abused and a man who is adoring but kept at a safe distance may be preferable to one who shares her bed but could turn on a sixpence and beat her. And dont forget, some women end up with this even if they didnt sign up for it, there is a reason why there are support groups for wives and children of convict.

RevoltingPeasant Mon 07-Dec-15 22:15:50

Mr Darcy, serial killer and Bingley's prison bitch.

With Mr Collins as chaplain.

StrawberryTeaLeaf Mon 07-Dec-15 22:16:40

I suppose in some cultures it's a more permissible way of being a single parent and some criminal cultures are hard to leave 'just' because your DH is inside for 60 years. But sheesh.

I wonder what the chances of conception per CV are anyway? (And do the prison authorities agree to take fertile periods into account when scheduling?)

ImperialBlether Mon 07-Dec-15 22:17:13

Tbh, some women are really bloody stupid. Surely everyone knows that if you're in prison you lose the right to have sex with the general public. Why on earth would someone marry a person who's likely to have a long prison sentence hoping she will have children with him?

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich Mon 07-Dec-15 22:18:28

I thought that Strawberry, the chances her being at the right point in her cycle and then getting pg are very slim. But, its her life and her choice, I dont think that we have the right to judge her.

Personally I would be taking in a pot and an cool box, but I am quite practical!

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich Mon 07-Dec-15 22:18:43

a not an!

StrawberryTeaLeaf Mon 07-Dec-15 22:18:49

Tbh, some women are really bloody stupid

And that thing smile

VestalVirgin Mon 07-Dec-15 22:21:16

To set out to be a single parent is odd.To Raise a child having to grow up with the stigma that their father committed a double murder.And to have society support you because you choose to have a child with a man that can't support you

hmm

Granted, burdening a child with a father like this is not morally okay.

However, the other objections you have fall flat.
A woman who sets out to be a single parent is likely better equipped to handle it than one who counts on a man and is disappointed. As happens frequently.
And as for society having to support her ... well, at least where I live the child will be expected to in turn support the elderly by paying taxes as an adult, so it can hardly be considered unfair that she or he is brought up using taxpayer's money.

She should stop complaining and use a sperm donor.

PositivePete Mon 07-Dec-15 22:21:18

Setting out to be a single parent is not odd

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