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To keep this a secret from DSibling

(46 Posts)
Tellornot Mon 30-Nov-15 09:27:41

NC for this.

DD = DDad
DS = DSibling

My DM died a few years ago. DPs were happy together when she died but before this had a few problems. I think they both had affairs at one point or another. A number of years before DM died my DD had an affair which we all found out about. My DD has now started seeing the OW again. I am not thrilled about it but I know my DM was no angel and that my DPs' relationship was problematic though they loved one another a lot. I don't think the OW was in the picture for a long time before my DM died.

My DS is wonderful but volatile and a bit immature at times. I know DS would go absolutely off the charts angry if DS heard about this. I said this to my DDad when he told me about new relationship with OW and we both said we shouldn't tell DS unless the relationship with OW becomes serious or they decide to move in together or whatever. I don't feel great about keeping this from DS but DS would not handle it well. DS and DDad are close and DS relies heavily on him financially (we are talking gifts in the tens of thousands of pounds over the past few years). It would be awful if they fell out, for the whole family (I have one other DS). I would struggle if we got into a position where I felt I had to take sides as we are a very close family.

Frusso Mon 30-Nov-15 09:32:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enjolrass Mon 30-Nov-15 09:36:23

Your dad needs to tell your sibling.

But not alone if this person is volatile.

The fact the the sibling is relying on your dad for hand outs is neither here nor there.

Does you sibling know about your mothers indiscretions. Or do they view it that your mum was devoted and your dad was a shit rather than 50:50

DoreenLethal Mon 30-Nov-15 09:37:05

Dad and sister. Not hard.

DoreenLethal Mon 30-Nov-15 09:37:30

Or brother. Whatever.

emotionsecho Mon 30-Nov-15 09:38:01

It is up to your dad to tell her and the sooner the better, if your sister finds out later that it has been going on for a while and you all knew and hid it from her, which she will, she will feel betrayed and taken for a fool.

If your sister kicks off and falls out with your dad it looks as if he will be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

There is no need to take sides your dad is perfectly entitled to live his life as he chooses he doesn't need approval or permission from any of you.

Tellornot Mon 30-Nov-15 09:40:22

DS knows about indiscretions but tends to brush over them when we discuss DPs and focuses more on DD's.

Enjolrass Mon 30-Nov-15 09:42:01

DS knows about indiscretions but tends to brush over them when we discuss DPs and focuses more on DD's.

But is quite happy to take thousands of pounds off him?

If can't bother the sibling that much, can it.

Your dad is a single, adult and can make his own choices.

Tellornot Mon 30-Nov-15 09:42:24

your dad is perfectly entitled to live his life as he chooses he doesn't need approval or permission from any of you.

This is more or less what I think, though I think he would like our approval and would be upset if DS fell out with him over it.

Cabrinha Mon 30-Nov-15 09:43:34

Your sibling needs to grow up.

Tellornot Mon 30-Nov-15 09:46:25

I think it's easier for DS to focus on DD's indiscretions as he is still here. DS can be immature and volatile as I say. It's good to hear I'm not going mad, as I agree with responses saying he is a grown adult who isn't married so free to do as he likes. DS is very strong in convictions.

emotionsecho Mon 30-Nov-15 09:47:22

I'm sure he would be upset if your sister fell out with him but that is her choice and if she also falls out with you because you are 'supporting' your dad that is also her choice. Your sister cannot dictate by her words or actions how other members of her family live their lives and it's probably a good time for her to learn that lesson.

Tellornot Mon 30-Nov-15 09:48:39

The worst thing is my DD was utterly devestated when DM died. I think it's a huge step that he has met someone who might make him happy but it's just awful that there is the potential for a big mess around it.

Enjolrass Mon 30-Nov-15 09:50:43

DS is very strong in convictions.

not really. As they are still taking the money.

Your dad may be upset if they fall out. But as an adult he can recognise that's.

It's his decision but he can't control other people's reactions.

If your sibling wants to continue this course of how your dad is the bad person and you mum was innocent, and stop speaking to their dad over his new relationship, that's their problem.

emotionsecho Mon 30-Nov-15 09:57:45

I'm sure your sister was devastated when your mum died as you were also no doubt but she needs to separate those feelings from what is happening now, does she expect your dad to live alone for the rest of his days?

Cabrinha Mon 30-Nov-15 10:04:52

Bollocks is she strong in convictions - she's perfectly happy to take his money hmm Strong here is just your polite way of saying your sister is stroppy and unreasonable!

Sansoora Mon 30-Nov-15 10:08:23

I think if your DS stands up to your dad and says this is absolute shite whilst walking away from financial support he'll feel a whole lot better about himself as a man. its what one of my lot has just done and he's walking on air.

But, and this is the rub, to go back to a woman you'd had an affair with is awful and it will only ever make you kids think - did he really love mum and was he happy with her or were their last years just a whole pack of lies.

I think its one of the biggest insults you can hand out to the memory of a deceased wife or husband.

Sansoora Mon 30-Nov-15 10:09:41

your dad is perfectly entitled to live his life as he chooses he doesn't need approval or permission from any of you.

Yes true, but his children don't have to like him or love him for it.

TheCrimsonPleb Mon 30-Nov-15 10:18:07

So, potentially your sibling could find out about this relationship when your father moves in with his partner. If that happens then she is going to know immediately that this relationship has been going on for a while and that this information has been deliberately kept from her. That is going to be a huge double whammy of shock and lies. So, by not telling her now you could be storing up much bigger problems.

Obviously family conflict is not pleasant, but sometimes it is unavoidable and I think you either have to deal with it now or deal with it further down the line. If you wait then do remember that the longer the deception the bigger the problem.

It does sound like you all need to man/woman-up a bit and deal with reality. You and your father need to stop being scared of your sibling and your sibling needs to grow up and accept that your father has been widowed for several years now and is allowed to have a relationship.

Wolpertinger Mon 30-Nov-15 10:24:49

Would be a whole lot easier to follow if you used DF or DDad and DSib or just picked a gender for your sibling as DD and DS are well established on here as daughter and son, I keep reading it wrong.

But yes, your dad needs to tell your sibling and if your sibling kicks off he would be entitled not to provide further cash hand outs. Which might help your sibling grow up.

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 30-Nov-15 10:25:28

Don't keep this secret for your Dad. He has to tell all of your siblings. And they are perfectly entitled to feel unhappy about it. As Sansoora said, your siblings could question how committed your dad was to the relationship with your mum, if he ultimately resumed the relationship with the OW. Neither you or your Dad have the right to tell your sibling how to feel about that.

Also, you seem to feel you have a more 'enlghtened' view of your Dad's relationship but your sibling could have good reason for viewing your Dad's indiscretions differently from how they view your mum's.

reni2 Mon 30-Nov-15 10:26:53

I think your dad should tell the sibling. The convictions they have may not be all that strong if it means the money tap would be turned off.

Are the really close or is the closeness due to the money? If purely money, it would surely be better dad finds out now and not when he's run out of cash to throw at them?

Tellornot Mon 30-Nov-15 10:28:59

I think you're all right - someone has to tell DS as I don't want them to find out later and feel betrayed we kept it a secret.

I don't know how I feel about DD's choice of GF as I know their relationship caused huge problems in my DPs' marriage. There were already some problems though as mentioned. I don't question how much my DD loved my DM as I saw him when she died - I have never seen a grown man devestated like that and he is tough. It's difficult, but I trust his judgement, so if he thinks this relationship is worth it then it must be. My DS will be a lot harder to convince.

Tellornot Mon 30-Nov-15 10:34:21

Oh and I don't think my view is more enlightened than DSib's. I just think that no one knows the ins and outs of a marriage unless they are in that marriage. Who knows what really went on? I don't plan on acting as judge & jury re my DPs' marriage. My DSib has stronger views on it and maybe they think they have reason to, but I won't be making any assumptions or judgements. My DM seemed to have forgiven him by the end of her life so that is good enough for me.

CFSsucks Mon 30-Nov-15 10:36:49

The Dsib needs to stop sponging off your dad if their convictions are that strong. I suspect they won't like it and may kick off initially but will come crawling back once they need money. I actually feel sorry for your dad. Ok affairs shouldn't have happened but since it sounds like your DM did the same then looking back to the past about this OW isn't going to achieve anything and you should just be happy for your dad as should your Dsib. It's actually got bugger all to do with them but the sooner your Ddad tells them, the sooner they can get over it or just fuck off. Why pussyfoot around.

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