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AIBU?

So seriously what are my the chances of me finding a life partner at 45 and being happy ever after !

31 replies

darlingish · 31/10/2015 01:23

In a nutshell met ex h at 18 and was married at 19 , had 4 dc and now at 45 I'm single !
Been separated 18 mths and started divorce proceedings.
Was very unhappy for many years and am blessed to be free now .
Met a lovely man in the spring and had my first romance and although I love him to bits and vice versa it cannot last for many reasons .
Wrong time wrong place .
When he leaves which he will early next year we will be friends for life and may well come back together one day but certainly for the next 5 years he will be on the other side of the world .
So ... I have 4 dc, 2 at home still .
I have a a demanding job .
No family support so very busy , ie up at 6 and don't stop until 11 every day as ex rarely sees his dc.
I do know that I need to be happy on my own and not rely on a man to make me happy , so that a future relationship will enhance my life not be the sole making of it iykwim.
Kind of feel like the next ten years is my time to get happy , enjoy life and my dc and do the dating I never did in my youth .
I read on the internet that apparently a woman finding a life partner in her mid forties is more likely to be killed in an accident !
It's made me think OMG .
I know it's ok to be single but after the summer romance I've had with my lovely man friend I would so love to share the rest of my life with the right person ( pref him but hey ho ) .
So what are the odds ?
Is it really that bad out there ?

OP posts:

Report

howtorebuild · 31/10/2015 01:28

What is wrong with being single?

darlingish · 31/10/2015 01:28

Sorry will post on relationships x

OP posts:

thornrose · 31/10/2015 01:37

"What is wrong with being single?" is a strange response to the OP? Did you read her post?

I'm 48 and I would like to think I could meet someone, one day. I'm not actively trying but after more than a decade of being single I live in hope.

M00nUnit · 31/10/2015 01:38

Nothing's wrong with being single but there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner either.

OP I know LOADS of people who met the love of their life in their forties or fifties. It happens all the time. Hope it happens for you too!

pieceofpurplesky · 31/10/2015 01:41

I am Just like you op. 46 and alone after 20 years. I WANT to be a couple. My ex turned out to be twat of the highest order in the emotional abuse stakes - but when it was good I was a fabulous partner and want to be that again ....

Mmmmcake123 · 31/10/2015 01:43

Be confident in yourself and go for it. The stats prob represent a lot of people who don't do this

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/10/2015 02:04

Totally hear you OP...I think your circumstances are different in that you are happy about your split after a long term relationship. It's not impossible I don't think, have seen many a happy ending myself.

However, I am happy remain single...don't want to risk anything else, wouldn't put my kids through it, but am a cynic now. Have a lovely no strings thing going on, that will do me, no complications, no promises, no commitment. However, mutual respect and boundaries set very early on. Can't and don't want to cope with more than that.

I wish I felt differently, just don't believe in "happy ever after" anymore, that's gone for me. I hope you find yours though

Garlick · 31/10/2015 02:14

My mother started a relationship with one of the nicest men I've ever met - at the age of 75. It'll be their 10th anniversary next Spring!

She had a few false starts before then, but they weren't disasters.

Me, I can't be arsed. It might be different if I lived & moved in circles where there are a reasonable proportion of men I'd consider suitable - but I don't, and am not likely to either. I don't "need" a partner emotionally. Mum does: she's perfectly fine on her own, but felt something important was missing. I've got to know myself a lot better and have discovered that anything I feel 'missing' can be found, without relying on another individual for it.
Being selfish is pretty good

AdjustableWench · 31/10/2015 02:22

I think it can take a very long time after the end of a relationship to be really properly ready for another one (three or four years, rather than 18 months). I also think no one is too old for love, and it's mostly a question of deciding for yourself what you really want from a relationship and then looking around to see who is looking for you. Really, 45 is not old.

As for the chances of being killed in an accident: don't believe everything you read on the internet!

Janeymoo50 · 31/10/2015 03:29

Yes it can happen BUT it is hard simply I believe due to the fact that there are probably less "available" partners out there. I was pretty much single all my adult life....until I met my DP at the age of....49. Throw into the mix that I was gay to make it all the more complicated (never really admitted that to myself until then really, various reasons). Oh, we're getting married next May. Met online too.

KitKatCustard · 31/10/2015 06:30

I met my husband at work when I was 47 and we married when I was 53.
Nil desperandum.

Leavingsosoon · 31/10/2015 06:42

I think actually OP probably has more chance of meeting someone now than someone in their 30s.

I am a bit like MrsC in that I don't want to put the children through multiple relationships and (unlike MrsC!) I really doubt anyone would be interested.

It's things like holidays, celebrations (Christmas is going to be somewhat bleak ) weddings, weekends away I feel I just can't do, which when I think of them I feel a bit lonely and lost.

Pseudo341 · 31/10/2015 06:54

I think it's a lot more likely now that internet dating sites exist. It just makes it so much easier to meet people and there's no dodging around the issue as you're both obviously actively seeking a relationship. I have quite a few friends who've found their life partner on a dating site and are now very happy. One couple were in their late thirties and now have just had a child together. Try not to worry about it, you don't have a lot of time right now and you're obviously not panicking about losing your chance to have children when you've got 4 nearly grown up. There are loads of people in the same boat these days, if you want to find someone there's a fairly good chance that you will.

NotNob · 31/10/2015 06:55

A family friend met two long term partners on dating sites in her fifties and sixties. Another friend met her current partner online at age of 42. She too works long, unsociable hours. I guess online dating may be the way to go. Is this something you would consider?

hesterton · 31/10/2015 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthismylifenow · 31/10/2015 07:02

I read on the internet that apparently a woman finding a life partner in her mid forties is more likely to be killed in an accident !

I am 45 too and separating after a long marriage too. I think I shouldn't Google anything, ever now....

So you are a bit further down the road than me wrt to being single, but I have to say that at this point in time, I certainly don't feel capable of ever being in another relationship... but that could just be how I am feeling right now.

But, a family member of mine who is 50 this year, has just met his "soul mate" as he puts in, I don't think I believe in that

So have a bit of fun in the meantime.

sandgrown · 31/10/2015 07:13

Divorced in 1988. Long term relationship 1989-2000. Met current DP in 2001 at age 43 and had a "surprise" baby at 45. We both have strong personalities and at an age where we have independent interests but it is good to also do things together. My advice is that you will not meet a partner in pubs/clubs when older so just chat to people wherever you meet them and see what happens. Two close friends met their husbands through internet dating.

florentina1 · 31/10/2015 08:31

My mum was widowed at 50 remarried at 53. Spent almost 40 years in a very happy marriage. Hope you find what you are looking for.

Abraid2 · 31/10/2015 08:35

My FIL met my step-MIL when he was 80 and she late seventies.

They were married for eight years until his death.

tacky · 31/10/2015 08:57

it may not seem like your cup of tea right now but I would have thought that now with all this internet dating it is much easier to find like minded people in their 40s (or any age).

Leavingsosoon · 31/10/2015 09:33

Men in their 40s are looking for women in their 30s, though, which is where it can get tricky.

My husband's girlfriend (separated though still legally married) is 23; he's 40 next year.

SlatternIsNotSure · 31/10/2015 09:44

I have a family member who became single in her 40s. She spent quite some time 'out there' to no avail. 10 years later she has reconciled herself to being single and is now happy with her life again.

On the other side, I have a very good friend who met and married her husband in her 50's. They have just celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary.

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Leavingsosoon · 31/10/2015 10:42

When my dad became a widow in his early fifties (I was 16 at the time) there were a LOT of women who seemed pretty desperate to be honest - it was all rather peculiar.

darlingish · 31/10/2015 10:42

Crikey feel a bit silly I moved this to the Relationships thread when I realise did posted on AIBU and it's going on both now .Sorry .
Some nice comments up there thank you .
From reading the other replies also it seems OD is the way to go .
Yes I'd do that .
Is match . Com the most recommended ?

So I have to be confident and keep my business head on ?
Like someone else said I think its Christmas , dinners out and weekends away that I will feel I'm really missing spending time with that someone special, esp. after doing all this with a lovely man this year .
I never ever felt anything but a fondness for my ex so it was lovely to get to know someone this summer and literally glow in all the feelings it woke up .
I want to be happy single for a while really but sometimes wonder if there's something the matter with me for really wanting more and thinking I need a man to make me feel alive .
I think I probably need to take some time getting to know myself and who I am as a single person before I date again .
I have realsied this summer that I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and need to put my business head on at my age ! I've also realsised that I'm much more needy than I want to be ( ie checking my phone all the time ect but managed to hide it )
I know what advise I would give myself but actually doing it is proving difficult !!!!

OP posts:

Leavingsosoon · 31/10/2015 10:45

I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all, you just sound like a normal person to me!

I know everybody shouts about how wonderful being single is, but I find it's generally married people who do. I don't know if it's the appeal of the Unknown or something; mostly I find it boring and a lot of hard work with young children but better than being someone's punchbag.

I do miss being with someone though.

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