Taking DC out of school for family wedding?

[Namechangenell]

BIL is getting married on a Friday. We have two DC, one nursery and one reception. School aged DC will have to miss school to come with us. To be honest, I'd assumed we just wouldn't bring the children to the wedding (and my DM would look after them). We had a family wedding on my side this year and PIL looked after the kids as, to be honest, it would have been no fun for me, keeping two small people entertained for hours in a venue much more suited for adults.

So - MIL is livid that DC1 can't be there to be a flower girl. I said BIL and his fiancée should have thought about that before booking their wedding on a Friday in the middle of term. She also doesn't like me standing up to her and telling her that I don't want the kids at the wedding as I'll just end up looking after them whilst everyone else enjoys themselves. To be honest, it would be easier to stay at home with them!

DH doesn't want to upset his DB, mainly. However, he is also surprised that they booked a Friday slot and then wanted the kids to be there. DBIL is younger than us and pretty clueless when it comes to kids. He hasn't done this maliciously, he just doesn't think. I don't want to cause family WW3 but to me, it's inappropriate to take DC1 out of school. And if I were to concede and allow this (but won't we get fined?) - how do I not end up lumbered with being the primary child carer for the whole event? It's in the middle of nowhere, very rural and there's FA to do with kids. I feel like DH's family think I'm making excuses - I've done my research and being practical, the easiest option is for DH and I to go without the kids, or for DH to go alone.

AIBU to think that MIL is wrong?

[Gatehouse77]

I took all of mine out of school for the day when my brother got married (YR, Y2 and Y4) without any hesitation.

It's one day, a new experience and a memory. I wouldn't worry about, personally.

[schokolade]

Well it doesn't really have anything to do with your MIL. So I'd feel comfortable telling her to bog off...

[MrPorky]

I don't think it's reasonable to want to leave your DC at home simply because taking them would make it harder work for you. It's a family occasion and DC should be there, sometimes having children does make things a bit tougher.

HOWEVER, if you book a wedding on a school day, then of course you can't expect children to be there.

[Enjolrass]

I took dd out of school for dbros wedding. She was 8 and needed minimal looking after.

Tbh I would prefer to go without young kids. As you say everyone else enjoys it and you don't.

So I think yanbu

[petalsandstars]

Yes MIL is wrong. It is the parents choice to take DC or not. If DB definitely wanted flower girl then a weekend wedding would have been priority. I know someone in pretty much this scenario and they are taking 4yo out of school for a day. Head won't authorise It but has said they also won't fine etc so you may be okay that way depending on the school.

Imo kiss miss more days due to illness and 48hr rule than one so at this age I'd probably take them and enjoy the wedding but strict words and rules re childcare responsibility with DH so he pulls his weight too.

[BertPuttocks]

"MIL is livid that DC1 can't be there to be a flower girl."

So it's not actually about wanting both of her grandchildren to see their uncle getting married. It's about wanting DC1 to make the wedding and photos look nicer?

I wouldn't take the DC out of school for it either so YANBU.

[WombatStewForTea]

You won't get fined as it's only for one day. Ultimately your choice! I hate weekday weddings. As a teacher its so hard to get time off to go.

[Namechangenell]

Thanks for the replies so far. I think MIL, like BIL, just didn't think of the implications re the children (ours are the only grandchildren). She would love them to be there as part of a big, happy family occasion (and to show them off). Because my family are very different, we haven't had this situation in reverse (ie a wedding where DH has had to do the main childcare as it's been a sibling of mine marrying). I actually think DH is waiting for me to 'come round'. It's all very well me saying that I need him to pull his weight in the day, but in reality that won't happen and I'll be stuck. Hence trying to avoid this scenario by not taking the children in the first place.

Interesting re the school fines, I didn't know that, so thank you. We haven't even got to us taking time off work yet - I mean, Friday?! Who has a wedding on a weekday?!

[Foxyloxy1plus1]

My grandchildren had a day off for my daughter's wedding. They were year 5 and reception.

Sometimes, weekday weddings are because Saturdays are booked up so far in advance, that it's the only time you can get within a reasonable timescale. Weddings are becoming an any day of the week event now.

[50shadesofknackered]

My mum got married on a Friday last year in Cornwall so I had to take dc1 out of school for the Thursday and Friday. I just filled in a form asking for authorised leave, which head teacher's can grant (if they choose to) in exceptional circumstances. Imo missing one day of school at this age isn't a big deal and lots of people have their wedding on a Friday. The big problem for me would be your MIL reaction and the fact that you will be the one taking care of them all day. Where will your dh be and why wouldn't he be sharing the responsibility? If you don't want the dc to go that's fine, leave them with your mum. BIL and MIL and your husband will have to get over it especially as you'll be the one taking care of them on your own all day.

[Enjolrass]

See OP we do that too.

At dhs sisters wedding I did most of the childcare. At my dbros wedding, he did most. Seems to work well.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

If you wanted to take the kids then I'd say it would be ok as they're not compulsory school age.

But you don't, and have a loving grandparent lined up to look after them so they can keep their routine.

Go with DH and have fun! Weddings are boring anyway never mind for small children! You're the parent, it's your choice but you certainly seem to be making a thought out, responsible decision that's best for all of you except the brother who wants a cute flower girl and tbh he ranks low on the priority list

[Doobigetta]

Just tell your MIL that you've been refused permission to take the kids out of school. She can hardly check up on you.

[rageagainsttheBIL]

Do they know your mum, could she be invited and help you look after the kids but at the wedding?

[Osolea]

Loads of people have weddings on weekdays, Friday weddings are fine by me, any other day not so much.

I'm usually very against taking children out of school for holidays and things that could just as easily happen on non school days, but even I couldn't get worked up about a reception age child having one day off for a wedding.

I think the point here is that you don't want to take your dc, and that is fair enough, I'd prefer not to take small children to a wedding as well. It's irrelevant whether your mil is right or wrong, it's not her decision, and if you'd rather leave your dc at home then that's what should be happening.

[travellinglighter]

Took my kids out for a week when an Indian friend got married in India. Discussed it with our super cool headmaster and he said they’ll get more out of a week in India than they will a week in school. He was right.

[Ineedtimeoff]

If this was a friend or distant relative then I would say leave the kids out of it and go alone but it's your DH's brother, your child's uncle's wedding.

Your child has as much right to go to that wedding and be a flower girl as you do to have a good time. For most little girls being a flower girl would be a big deal, something to remember, a special occasion. I would be honoured for my DD to be asked and is it really such a big ask to look after your own kids at a wedding?

The school thing is a red herring. Its one day and your child is in reception.

[SparklesandBangs]

My DB got married on a Friday, all his nieces and nephews were primary age and took the day off school, I didn't ask for the day off for mine, I told them that they wouldn't be in due to a family wedding and that they were part of the wedding party. Got a standard letter back saying it couldn't be authorised which was fine. No fines in those days, although you are still not fined for 1 day unless it's every week.

I couldn't imagine my siblings getting married without all the family including the little ones being their. I am sure this is what you MIL means. My DC are no angels but I never had much of a problem looking after them at weddings.

[pinotblush]

Of course you could take the children out of school at that age for a family wedding.

I'd be over the moon to have my daughter as a flower girl.

Why don't you want that?

You want to be child free to enjoy yourself?

[Namechangenell]

Ineed - I sort of agree with you - except that BIL hasn't asked us or DD if she'd like to be a flower girl. The kids weren't on the invitation so we didn't think they were invited. Then a fraught email exchange with MIL revealed they were... DH called his brother at this point, and even he said he hadn't really thought about it...! So we have MIL with her expectations, BIL with a general sense of apathy and cluelessness and us trying to sort things but with permanently shifting goalposts. But school isn't a red herring - I think it's utterly stupid to host a wedding on a Friday and then expect children to be there.

[pinotblush]

So even your BIL and soon to be wife havent organised for your child to be a flower girl? Your mother in law has just said so?

Gosh this is confusing.

I don't get you thinking its stupid to want a wedding on a Friday and wanting kids there?

[Notimefortossers]

Weekday weddings are more popular than Saturday weddings these days! Mainly because it cuts costs for a ridiculously expensive day I think and I guess the people getting married think that their nearest and dearest are not going to mind taking the day off for their wedding.

I really wouldn't worry about taking a reception child out of school for one day. Everyone I know would do the same for a close family members wedding.

What I find odd about this is that they never asked your DD to be flower girl before it became apparent that you wouldn't be bringing them? But that's by the by really.

As for not wanting to take care of your own children at a wedding . . . really

[AndNowItsSeven]

Compulsory school age is term after your fifth birthday. You can take your dd out of school if you like.

[NewLife4Me]

I would take the kids and have taken them to similar sounding weddings at their age.
You just have to pack some toys and yes be mum for the day, taking a break when somebody offers to give you one.
With lots of family members they will want to help looking after dc and your dd will look lovely as a flower girl.
It's only one day and you won't get fined, dc get bugs all the time in reception.

[Namechangenell]

Pinot - well, the wedding would definitely be much more enjoyable without a two and four year old to entertain/keep quiet - yes! And I'd have to take them to bed early evening, so wouldn't be around for the evening do. It would certainly be expected that I do that and then stay in the hotel whilst DH stayed up until the small hours...