I am struggling to understand and agree with my partners attitude to his children. We have been together for a nearly a year and we have talked about marrying and having children next year. However, I cannot relate to his relationship with his kids nor am I sure I can have children with someone whose values differ so far from mine.
The background is that he and his wife split over 2 years ago. He claims that she would not let him see the kids despite him trying - he couldn't really explain to me how he had tried aside from going to her parents house to try and find her address. He did not seek legal advice.
When we met I said that I sympathised with his situation but I could not see myself with someone that had not exhausted every angle to retain a relationship with their kids. He eventually emailed her to ask to visit and thus fortnightly visits of about 5hrs were established.
I told him how pleased I was that he had starting seeing children again and after a couple of months, asked him if he thought about either ringing them during the week or on the weekends that he doesn't see them for a chat and he said 'they don't need that'. I asked him if he had any plans to see them over their half term and he said 'no-one's said anything to me'; he's off over the half term week.
When I ask him how he feels about the level of involvement he has in the lives of his kids he just says that he wasn't the one that took them away. I understand this but try and talk to him from the angle that it wasn't the kids choice to be taken away either.
From the day we met he told me how much he misses his children and even now still gets upset when he thinks about his kids. I know that he found the break up of his marriage difficult, especially as his wife did not and has not given him a reason for why she left. I feel that he cannot separate the children from the situation with his ex and the hurt that he still feels.
My children are my life. I'd walk over hot coals, sell my house/body/car to fund legal fees for access if needs be. I just find his ability to be satisfied with 5hrs every two weeks just bizarre and rather selfish. A couple of my friends say that this is just how men are but the only other man I have been in a relationship with that had kids, called his child daily, had her to stay every other weekend and met her after school for dinner one night a week.
I'm just interested in other people's views as I wonder if I am being unreasonable in my expectations.
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50 replies
blueteatowel · 27/10/2015 17:26
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