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so sad for DD

(45 Posts)
Beth2511 Wed 21-Oct-15 12:16:20

About 9 months ago DH and I had a massive falling out with MIL over something petty that immediately resulted in her refusing to see DD. DD has a half sister who has an amazing relationship with MIL and despite OH feeling she shouldn't be able to see one and ignore the other, his ex made it clear she will always facilitate a relationship there so he decided it was not in DSD's best interest to cause problems there. I agree as she is 7 and it would be more harmful to her.

It's DD's first birthday coming up and DSD told us yesterday that she was talking about her party the other day to which MIL responded that she doesn't care and that DD is not her grandchild. Obviously this has led DSD to very confused so we have said MIL has chosen not to be part of DD's life but loves DSD dearly and will always remain a part of her life.

but as a mum it breaks my heart to hear my DD being spoken about like that, but her own family. I'm trying to get my head around the fact that they continually post on facebook about how she only has two grand children (she has three) and wrote a lot of nasty emails about how she wants nothing to do with DD.

It's been making me thingk about a couple of years time when DD is aware and I have to be the one to explain why her grandma loves her sister but not her. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Beth2511 Wed 21-Oct-15 12:17:19

sorry for typos, said baby is currently 'helping' me type!

HoggleHoggle Wed 21-Oct-15 12:19:07

Why on earth is your MIL taking the argument out on your dd? What's going on?

It sounds awful and very hurtful.

LookingUpAtTheStars Wed 21-Oct-15 12:19:24

Completely cut the spiteful bitch out of your life. I wouldn't have someone like that anywhere near my dc and if they asked about her I'd tell them the truth - that we don't spend time with horrible people.

ConstanceMarkYaBitch Wed 21-Oct-15 12:19:50

Block her on facebook and email for a start. I'd say you're overestimating how much your dd will care. If you don't make any issue of it, she'll barely notice. Lots of kids either don't have or don't see grandparents, and with her half sister being several years older its unlikely to be something that comes up by the time she's old enough to notice.

HeyMacWey Wed 21-Oct-15 12:20:05

What a nasty woman - I'm not sure that I'd want her near any part of my family tbh

BarbarianMum Wed 21-Oct-15 12:22:29

I can hear what you are saying but your dd is so, so lucky to have such a poisonous witch out of her life. Your poor stepdaughter on the other hand - well let's hope she or her mum never puts a foot wrong. sad

When your dd starts to ask questions tell her the truth (in an age appropriate manner). Her gran didn't treat mummy/daddy very well, isn't a nice person and isn't a very good person to be around. She'll accept that - children do.

I'd also suggest you stop checking out her Facebook page - and for God's sake don't reconcile with her. If you're ever tempted, get out those emails and reread them.

SilverBirchWithout Wed 21-Oct-15 12:22:46

I feel for you, but tbh DD sounds fortunate to never have MIL in her life.

I assume that neither you nor DH has any contact with MIL either, it would be very odd that she has just cut contact from DD? If this is the case I cannot see it being much of an issue as DD grows up, her DSIS will have a number of relationships with her own DM's family that are separate from DD and this will seem just like another one.

MissMarpleCat Wed 21-Oct-15 12:23:30

How anyone can do this to an innocent child is beyond me sad

shovetheholly Wed 21-Oct-15 12:25:26

I think the issue is that the DD has contact with MIL through the ex.

To be honest, I would block her as far as you can (on Facebook, via the phone, via visits). If DSD sees her at the ex's house, there's not much you can do (any more than you can stop her being in contact with some obnoxious kid at school) - but you can avoid bringing the poison into your own house. I would explain the situation to DSD in simple terms, and try to balance things as far as you can with regard to gifts etc.

RabbitSaysWoof Wed 21-Oct-15 12:26:20

She may care alot less than you think. When I was a child my Mum hated her MIL, so we never saw her (she only lives around the corner), we had cousins who called her Nanny even tho they were her Great Grandchildren, I never noticed or cared.
Presumably DSD has another set of GP's who are not related to your daughter and hopefully you have parents who will more than make up for her absence.
I think Grandparents are extras, if you have them you would be sad not to, but if she is never used to that she hopefully won't feel like she is lacking anything.

DawnOfTheDoggers Wed 21-Oct-15 12:26:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahSavesTheDay Wed 21-Oct-15 12:27:43

She sounds like a piece of work. Can you explain a bit more? Anyone who's willing to cut off their grandchild because of a dispute with their children is best avoided.

CrapBag Wed 21-Oct-15 12:36:27

So your DH's ex takes his child to his mothers house? Does he take her at all?

I would cut the cow right out of my life altogether. Your DD will not benefit by having someone in her life who is capable of this. Delete and block on FB, have nothing more to do with her.

Can your DH tell his mother that she isn't to talk to DSD about things like this as its confusing and upsetting her? That will only get worse as she gets older and could actually damage the relationship between them is DSD sees how her little sister is treated.

Quietlifenotonyournelly Wed 21-Oct-15 12:37:32

Your DD would be better off without this toxic influence in her life. How could someone take things out on an innocent child?

CocktailQueen Wed 21-Oct-15 12:39:26

Why on earth is your MIL taking the argument out on your dd?

And putting it all over social media? How old is your MIL? 13?

She sounds vile and poisonous. I'd completely cut her out of your life. I wouldn't want anyone like that anywhere near my dc.

sparechange Wed 21-Oct-15 12:39:56

Did you post around the time of the falling out? Was it about boundaries and clothes..?

lunar1 Wed 21-Oct-15 12:50:25

I think in the long run your poor dsd will come out of this worse than your dd. at least you can protect you dd from her influence.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 21-Oct-15 12:51:10

Obviously your MIL is too shortsighted to see that she is running a big risk of ruining her relationship with your DSD. She might only be 7 but she might take umbrage to having her sister treated so shittily.

I wonder why she has singled the younger one out but still see the older one. Is it you she has the issue with?

ShamelessBreadAddict Wed 21-Oct-15 12:56:26

Agree with lunar, I feel really sorry for your DSD. MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work. I wouldn't let my DC have anything to do with her. It's surprising your DH lets DSD have a relationship with her tbh.

waitingforcalpoltowork Wed 21-Oct-15 13:18:58

my children don't have anything to do with my mother my eldest son will be seven this year she hasn't seen him since he was six months old to be honest im not sure he even cares he is aware of me having a mother he just has never asked why he doesn't see her

rogueantimatter Wed 21-Oct-15 13:21:35

Both my DC don't see their GF as I am pretty much NC with him. They didn't think to ask about him until they were school age. But obviously your DD's DS will be seeing her. How horrible for you all.

However, things do sometimes change over time. Eg what would happen if you were having a family birthday party for your DSD or your DH in your home? Perhaps that would be an ice-breaker for your MIL if you wanted to try to facilitate it.

As time goes by it may well be that your DSD gets fed up of your MIL's nastiness anyway and might decide for herself that she doesn't want much contact with her. (My (much older) DD makes less effort than she might otherwise to see her GM as she has obvious favourites among the grandchildren and is generally difficult). It's a shame though.

lostInTheWash Wed 21-Oct-15 13:29:41

If the ex wants a relationship with this person for her DD - your DSD that's fine as long as she the one taking her round and making it happen.

She can't insist that your DH does that.

DSD probably has other family that is nothing to do with your DD or you and your DH - so it's just another one of those relationships.

So the only problem you have is DSD hearing nasty things about your DD from your MIL. I think it a well sometime people aren't rational or always nice - and that people can behave differently to different people.

Your DD is better off without this in her life - even if you could reconcile - there was probably always be favouritism.

I'd watch when DC are older than DSD doesn't repeat the nasty stuff to your DD - otherwise MIL isn't part of your life and your DD isn't missing anything.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Wed 21-Oct-15 13:50:01

Facebook the enabler once again - allowing nasty people to spread their bile.

Please don't worry about your daughter 'missing out' or feeling neglected by this woman. As others have said, she will only know it's a problem if she picks up on it from you. I know it hurts right now but it will get better. Remember it's nothing personal against your child. The woman sounds bitter and spiteful - don't let her win. Be glad she's out of your life.

And please delete / block her from Facebook!

PHANTOMnamechanger Wed 21-Oct-15 13:54:55

MIL fell out with you and refused to see a baby??

what on earth is wrong with her! most people are desperate to get over any family/MIL misunderstandings if there is a risk of them missing out on baby cuddles.

was she a good mum to your OH when he was a kid?

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