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Should one always feel obliged to speak well of the dead?

(59 Posts)
prorsum Sun 02-Aug-15 15:02:12

Been reading the Cilla thread and some comments have not gone down well due to the lack of respect shown to the deceased and her grieving relatives. Maybe we could leave Cilla out of this thread and speak just to subject.

ghostyslovesheep Sun 02-Aug-15 15:05:03

thankfully I haven't read the 'Cilla thread' (I dislike the need for public 'grief' over strangers generally) but YANBU - I wouldn't be full of praise if I was on that thread

I seriously doubt her relatives are reading it though!

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Sun 02-Aug-15 15:06:23

I think it's a shame when someone who has never caused anyone any harm dies however I would never speak highly of someone if it wasn't true when they were alive.

FenellaFellorick Sun 02-Aug-15 15:06:29

I don't think people are required to be hypocrites and weep and wail over the death of someone they loathed, but equally I don't think it's necessary to yell oh thank fuck they're gone, what a CUNT.
Simply saying nothing is an option.

WorraLiberty Sun 02-Aug-15 15:06:31

No, but there's a difference between not being obliged to speak well of the dead, and jumping on a public forum to slag them off before their bodies are even cold.

I think death is probably a time for 'dignified silence' for the sake of the living relatives and friends.

Any grievances can be discussed/sorted privately.

RepeatAdNauseum Sun 02-Aug-15 15:07:16

I think when someone has just died, whomever they may be, you either pay your respects or stay silent.

There is no real value in responding to someone's death in a "Well, I never liked her anyway" style. Your opinion of them doesn't really matter, at that moment.

WorraLiberty Sun 02-Aug-15 15:08:11

I seriously doubt her relatives are reading it though!

Maybe not right now, but I don't think it would be too unusual for threads to come up on Google, if her relatives put her name in.

usualsuspect333 Sun 02-Aug-15 15:08:16

I think out of respect for her relatives it's not right to slag her off.

Just stay off the thread.

Floralnomad Sun 02-Aug-15 15:08:30

You shouldn't feel obliged to speak well of the dead but unless it's someone universally reviled it's probably politest to just say nothing and keep your opinions to yourself /close family / friends - I don't see the need to air those kinds of things on a public forum .

LottieDoubtie Sun 02-Aug-15 15:12:59

I think one should be generally obliged not to needlessly upset the living.

So writing something negative on the day of someones death- publicly- that could be read by grieving friends relatives/picked up by the press- extremely poor taste.

I think it's a bit different if people are expressing feelings about someone who has done truly heinous crimes - the death off a killer/rapist etc..

But having a bitch about a celebrity who may or may not have been a bit rude occasionally. No need for it and rude to cause such potential upset.

Laquila Sun 02-Aug-15 15:13:08

No - IMO it's as reasonable to speak ill of the dead as it is of the living - i.e. If you have some kind of justification for it.

LazyLouLou Sun 02-Aug-15 15:13:24

I am firmly in the say nice or say nothing camp.

Even if someone is universally reviled, as they probably have family who won't be wholly comfortable with it.

Should I feel the need to vent I would never do it on a public forum. That is not only disrespectful to any relatives but is a self centred 'look at me I am a needy twat' thing to do!

ghostyslovesheep Sun 02-Aug-15 15:14:40

well I haven't posted on it grin as I said

I do think thread can become a bit like the internet version of ambulance chasing - or professional mourners

Yes it's sad when a person dies - for their family

yes you liked her on TV

but it's just as insulting to act as though you knew a person when you didn't

youbethemummylion Sun 02-Aug-15 15:15:28

I won't speak well of someone after they have died if I wouldn't have done so when they were alive as that is akin to lying but believe if you haven't got anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

ghostyslovesheep Sun 02-Aug-15 15:15:45

oh and my mum did know her - just to give some background

WorraLiberty Sun 02-Aug-15 15:16:33

It's also worth remembering that when people slag off celebrities (either living or dead), it's normally due to believing the media or a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbour, who worked with someone who served them a bag of chips once.

WorraLiberty Sun 02-Aug-15 15:17:22

X posted but it seems to fit well grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 02-Aug-15 15:18:33

I think when someone has just died it's infinitely better to be quiet if you have nothing nice to say.

Later on of course, it becomes less sensitive - and people will talk more generally about the deceased person, especially if they did have negative traits or had done bad things (thinking about recent high profile abuse cases, for e.g.) - and then it's more accepted.

lilacblossomtime Sun 02-Aug-15 15:19:06

When it comes to a celebrity there are people who were true fans and that person meant a lot to them for some reason, maybe her music brightened up their life or whatever. These people are going to be upset by her death too, even though they don't know her personally. So someone like that could easily be reading a thread and be upset by mean comments.

PtolemysNeedle Sun 02-Aug-15 15:19:37

No one is obliged to speak of anyone, so I agree with 'if you haven't got anything nice to say, say nothing'.

Dead people are fine, they aren't going to feel hurt if something negative is said about them, but their loved ones don't need to hear it.

I don't think people should be held up as being wonderful if they've died when they weren't wonderful, but if it's going to cause more hurt to someone that's grieving then it's unlikely that anything needs to be said at all.

LazyLouLou Sun 02-Aug-15 15:19:45

Ooh! Ghosty.... if your mum knew her when she was young, into her teens/twenties, your mum may also know my dad smile

Small world!

But I do agree, the negative postings are easily matched by the ones that are overly invested, as though a tv personality is their Bessie mate. Conspicuous grieving, as there was when a certain royal died.

ghostyslovesheep Sun 02-Aug-15 15:19:53

haha yes grin but it's my mum - she never served me a bag of chips

I am cold really to most celebs except ones I have met and know a bit more about - and of course Anthony Head ...

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sun 02-Aug-15 15:20:29

I agree with gordy, posting as if you're upset or devastated at a stranger's death is odd, tomorrow it'll be off your radar.

ghostyslovesheep Sun 02-Aug-15 15:21:45

My Mum only knew her from The Cavern and the record shop she [mum] worked in - lets just say she didn't warm to her and we shared a mutual dislike of her fake accent grin

no one says 'clurr' - we can all pronounce Claire in Scouseland

DadfromUncle Sun 02-Aug-15 15:23:40

If I don't like someone, or approve of stuff they've done, that doesn't change just because they are dead. I did keep my trap shut (mostly) about Mrs Thatcher in spite of an almost fanatical hatred of her because it was pointless and she was just a tragic senile old lady by then.

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