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WIBU to tell my sister how I feel?

(47 Posts)
runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 12:06:28

There is not surpisingly, a lot of backstory here but to try to keep it brief my sister and I have a difficult relationship as since having children I have lost so much respect for her.

She feel unexpectedly pregnant 10 years ago and moved back home with our parents. Since then they have helped care for her DD while she lives there rent and bill free.

When she first moved back she ran her own business which had various financial difficulties. On top of free board and lodgings she also borrowed a substantial amount of money from my Dad and some from me (£2K)

I was on maternity leave at the time and tne money I lent her was what I had saved for mat leave. She gave around half back straight away but has never bothered to pay the rest back despite the fact that she now earns a decent salary, plus CSA but has no major financial commitments other than private school fees.

After the birth of my DS I struggled enormously financially, but didn't push her to repay as I thought she was in the same position. She still managed to find money for a lavish party for her DD and that was the first time I felt really hurt but how little she seemed to prioritise paying me back.

I had DD last year and several months before mat leave asked her about it again. We agreed she would pay back £100 per month and this never materialised. One month I chased her up on it and it appeared and nothing since.

Anyway, there are endless posts on fb about her new purchases or shoes and bags etc and even if she didn't owe me money I would think it was crass but I feel like she's really rubbing in my face how little she could give a shit.


pillowaddict Sun 02-Aug-15 12:36:19

I would definitely speak to her about it. If she's close enough to ask you for a loan of money she's close enough to hear that she's being unreasonable in not paying you back while treating herself. Good luck!

LittleBlueOneTwo Sun 02-Aug-15 12:43:23

I'd post on her pictures of the shoes etc 'Will you be able to pay me back anytime soon?' the cheeky mare! Probably childish but I can't stand it when you go out of your way to help someone and they just take this piss!

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 12:45:48

Thanks pillow. The thing is we have a fragile relationship now. We were close but it's 4years since she borrowed the money and a lot has changed in that time. She tends to get the hump and flounce when in the wrong.

She also owes our parents far more than she owes me and even though they are both retired now, she doesn't contribute other than help out with food.

There are broader issues about her selfishness. Is it worth getting it all out in the open?

KittensOnAPlane Sun 02-Aug-15 12:48:45

Of course it is, you're just letting her get away with it if you dont

Newtobecomingamum Sun 02-Aug-15 12:55:29

I would start being quite assertive now and say that you want the money now back in full. Give her a date to make a first instalment and say that it needs to be paid in by then.

This is your money and she is treating you disrespectfully showing off about her flashy purchases!

travellinglighter Sun 02-Aug-15 13:03:38

I have learned from long experience with my sister that if she asks to “borrow” money then I know I will never see it again. So if she asks, I decide if I can afford to give it to her and I can’t “I’m broke.” I have borrowed her a substantial amount in the past but never would do so again. My mum has borrowed money to her but the last time she did it she set a cast iron repayment plan in place.

You need the money back, ask her for it, point out your need and get it back.

pillowaddict Sun 02-Aug-15 13:07:13

I would say so. Maybe discuss with your parents to say you intend to raise it so that they are aware there may be initial backlash and hopefully they can support you if there is.

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 13:07:33

So tempting little blue, but I don't want to humiliate her, I just want her to stop acting like a dick!

It seems so obvious that I should just be more assertive about it, so it helps o see that in black and white.

As stupid as this might sound, I am worried that she will stop speaking to me altogether if I ask again. And it's complicated by the fact that she lives with my Mum and Dad so tension between my sister and I impacts on everyone.

She is incredibly selfish in many ways and I so want to tell her how I feel. It's not just about getting the money back, it's so long ago it doesn't even matter all that much anymore, but I feel totally done over for helping her out when I wasn't really in a position to do so because I felt sorry for her, and she just doesn't give a shit about the impact it has had on me.

At the time, I had a small make-at-home business alongside my normal job to try to make ends meet and would be up half the night trying to earn a few extra quid while looking at her endless fb statuses about theatre trips, and new outfits etc etc. Over the years I've felt pissed off my by it so many times I just deleted her on fb. This has helped massively, but I made the mistake of looking her up this morning and seen her piles of shoes and got the rage! I should have sorted this out long ago I know.

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 13:12:37

My Dad doesn't know about it, and my Mum has asked me in the past not to raise it with her and she'll speak to her instead. I think they don't want it to escalate.

They massively enable her self indulgence. They take her DD to and from school every day and to all her after school activities but she doesn't contribute to fuel or anything (my sister does work, hence why they do this). And then at the weekend my sister stay in bed till about 1pm before coming down and siting on the sofa all afternoon on her phone. (hopefully not mumsnetting!!)

I don't know why they allow her to get away with all this?

Roussette Sun 02-Aug-15 13:27:54

Hmmm. I will put this as nicely as I can.

Why why why would you let another human being (sister or no sister) get away with this? I just don't understand. I know you say that you are afraid of the ructions but reallly... this is ridiculous. If you don't tell her outright, you really cannot complain. Some people abuse friends and family's kindness and you either accept that she has taken advantage of you, or you don't.

Go and see her. Tell her you have something very important to say. Look at her straight in the eye and tell her you want your money back pronto. Don't shout, swear and rant. Use two or three sentences that put across in a firm way that you won't accept any other option other than her repaying you. Last sentence should be "I now need to know when I will get back every single penny you borrowed from me. Then leave. No discussion.

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 13:41:32

I guess by 'they enable her self indulgence' I should say 'we enable her self indulgence'.

They live a couple of hours away. Is this something I can say electronically?

Thankyou, I know I am being spineless by the way - but she is my sister. I have hoped that she would just do it without it becoming a massive thing. But I guess it is already really.

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 13:43:52

First of all I didn't ask because she didn't (appear to) have it. Then when she got a job, I though 'ah, I'm sure it'll be forthcoming now'. Then it wasn't and I asked and we agreed this repayment plan. And then that didn't happen and I'd sort of written it of but when I see a pic of six boxes of shoes and a 'Happy Birthday to me' post on facebook it's made me think I've had enough of this!

Roussette Sun 02-Aug-15 13:45:33

I feel for you runlulurun - it's hard when there is a realisation that someone (friends or family) really has let you down and I think you have reached that point. We give people the benefit of the doubt until that just runs out and you face up to the realisation that it just is not right.

Sorry if my post sounded harsh.

If you just won't be seeing her, I suppose you could email but the trouble is, you won't be able to see a reaction and the written word sometimes just doesn't come across quite like you want it to.

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 13:46:42

Also, it's one thing asking for the money back, but part of my issue is WIBU to spell out to her that I think she's out of order.

It's not even so much about wanting the money, as I feel pretty hurt bytlittle consideration she gives anyone but herself.

When she first had her DD, because she'd moved back to our parents I went and visited every weekend for months to keep her company so she woudn't feel lonely. I have a good relationship with my DN, who is lovely but she also takes NO interest in my children, and this hurts too.

Roussette Sun 02-Aug-15 13:46:44

Cross posted with you - yes, I would be very very annoyed at that too!

Roussette Sun 02-Aug-15 13:48:08

She does sound selfish. Maybe that's something you've always suspected but having it confirmed is a different matter. If you allow her to be like this, it will only get worse I suspect.

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 13:49:52

No it didn't sound harsh Roussette smile

The thing is, I know I am being an idiot but I don't want to do damage that can't be undone. But neither can we really continue the way we are.

Roussette Sun 02-Aug-15 13:57:39

I think it's the realisation that hurts. It's even harder when it's family.

I had a woke-up-and-smelled-the-coffee moment with a friend. She was always a bit difficult but I glossed over it. I used to subsidise her sometimes, give her stuff, pay for things because I was better off than her. I felt deep down I was being taken advantage of but let it go because it wasn't huge amounts.

Then once I treated her to a holiday, paid her airfare and more. She came in on a different flight and when we arrived at the apartment she showed me a £90 skirt she had bought at the airport. I was gobsmacked but put it to one side so I could enjoy the holiday. When I got home I just thought... I've been taken for a mug here, I would never ever spend that much money on a skirt, I've treated you to a holiday, you've frittered £90 away that you could have used on holiday instead of abusing my kindness and me paying for you. Everything changed from that moment on.

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 13:59:16

Also, I just feel so sad about how things are. We used to be friends as well as sisters and I just don't like the person she has become.

She doesn't seem to like me any more than I like her and I don' understand why?

Roussette Sun 02-Aug-15 14:00:32

That is hurtful, I bet you do feel sad. It's almost like having to let go of what you had because it is never going to be the same again.

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 14:00:35

Rousette, you know that story is very much how I feel it is with my sister. That sort of gobsmacked 'are you completely clueless?' feeling.

Roussette Sun 02-Aug-15 14:04:01

Yes, that's it. Nothing was the same again with my friend after that. She only took £50 spending money with her for a week! But bought a £90 skirt at the airport. It made me realise she just expected me to pay for everything. No asking, no thanking - just expectation. Quite a shock! I kept thinking "I can't have this right surely..."

But I did!

BestZebbie Sun 02-Aug-15 14:07:48

Don't forget that you can use a credit card to buy shoes but not to get cash to repay personal loans...

runlulurun Sun 02-Aug-15 14:12:08

I'm pretty sure tha she doesn't have credit cards. But even so!! I think with her spending habits she could have found the cash over the last 4 years had she wanted to.

When she threw a lavish party for her DD's birthday, she said she had to sell her shares to pay for it. I remember thinking, right, so I thought you had nothing but turns out you had shares you could have sold.

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