WIBU to tell my sister how I feel?

[runlulurun]

There is not surpisingly, a lot of backstory here but to try to keep it brief my sister and I have a difficult relationship as since having children I have lost so much respect for her.

She feel unexpectedly pregnant 10 years ago and moved back home with our parents. Since then they have helped care for her DD while she lives there rent and bill free.

When she first moved back she ran her own business which had various financial difficulties. On top of free board and lodgings she also borrowed a substantial amount of money from my Dad and some from me (£2K)

I was on maternity leave at the time and tne money I lent her was what I had saved for mat leave. She gave around half back straight away but has never bothered to pay the rest back despite the fact that she now earns a decent salary, plus CSA but has no major financial commitments other than private school fees.

After the birth of my DS I struggled enormously financially, but didn't push her to repay as I thought she was in the same position. She still managed to find money for a lavish party for her DD and that was the first time I felt really hurt but how little she seemed to prioritise paying me back.

I had DD last year and several months before mat leave asked her about it again. We agreed she would pay back £100 per month and this never materialised. One month I chased her up on it and it appeared and nothing since.

Anyway, there are endless posts on fb about her new purchases or shoes and bags etc and even if she didn't owe me money I would think it was crass but I feel like she's really rubbing in my face how little she could give a shit.

WWYD??

[areyoubeingserviced]

The thing Op is that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you a 'make a fuss' about the money owed, you may find that this causes problems within the family and you will be regarded as the bad guy. However, if your sister does not pay , you will be seething with resentment.
Your sister is a selfish and entitled individual who does not want to give you the money back. She has been spoiled by you and your parents and you are all now 'reaping the rewards'. She will not change , because she doesn't have to.
This is a lesson for everyone. Don't lend money to friends and relatives

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I would avoid tackling her about the way she behaves towards your parents. Your parents are adults and can accept her behaviour or not. I'd tell her you need the money back by 1st Sept.

[runlulurun]

ok so the money side of it is relatively simply addressed and I think I agree that I should keep my nose out of what happens between her and my parents.

What about the other stuff? so for example even before we had children DP and I would take my niece out and play with her etc and she has never so much as taken my DC's to the park or play with them. I feel mugged off because she also got a lot of practical help from us when she was doing her business and it was around that point that I had my DS and it started to become apparent how one way everything was.

[areyoubeingserviced]

Continue to take your niece out, it's not her fault that her mother is selfish.
Just don't expect your sister to change

[runlulurun]

yes I will/do she is lovely and loves coming to see us :)

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

As you say asking for the money should be the easy bit-i would also have in reserve some comment:

Eg : its now 4 years since i lent you x, we both knew this was a loan. It is irritating that you havent prioritised repaying me, and i see pictures of your lavish shopping and party experiences, where ive had to go without to help you.

Ive always tried to be a good sister and auntie - we love spending time with her. To be honest i dont feel that it is reciprocated. My Dc would love to spend more time with you but this doesn't seem to happen. How can we make this happen?

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Personally, I would not give her a payment plan... Shes not paid previously why now? What about saying - I want you to give me two post dated cheques for 500£ for end of Aug and end of Sept. Dont accept anything less!!

If she's working full time and paying so little she must have savings?? If not, she can sell her new shoes....

[runlulurun]

IamtheDevils

Thankyou very much for what you have written, it expresses very well what I would like to say - and far better than I can think how to say it without getting bogged down in all the details!

At least it potentially (hopefully?) opens a dialogue. I think it may be I hear some things in return that I'd rather not as she doesn't seem to like me all that much at the moment either, but maybe that is better than going our whole lives with building resentment?

I think you have a point Devils although I very much doubt that she has any savings. She never seems to have any money for things like getting her car fixed and there was an incident at Christmas where she was going on an (expensive) trip and for some complicated reason she didn't have some money she was expecting. I lent her money then too, although that was returned in a reasonable amount of time (albeit after several unanswered reminders and then a very curt message to me when she actually did..but that's all another story!) I did swear that I would never lend her money again, but she and my parents were staying at my house for xmas at the time and my mum asked me to speak to her because she was sitting in her room crying. As I say, she's my sister and I love her and I don't want to see her upset/put pressure on her etc it just makes me very mad that the same courtesy isn't extended. I have a lovely DP and 2 DC's and they all 'joke' about my perfect life (it's very much not!) so perhaps just thinks it makes no odd's to me? Even though she knew it my maternity leave savings. As it happened I had to go back when DS was 9 months because of it and could have stayed off for another 2 months if she had given it back. I find it pretty difficult that she doesn't feel bad about that actually!

[PLUtoPlanet]

It sounds as though you're not afraid if what your sister might do: you're aftaid your parents will "choose" her and tou will lose them. More hurtful than losing your obnoxious sister, even though your parents (at least your mother, the enabler) have actually treated you quite dismissively already!

[Only1scoop]

'I need the money back that you borrowed from me x amount of years ago....I've filled out a standing order form so it's sorted once and for all. Thanks'

[redfairy]

"I have a lovely DP and 2 DC's and they all 'joke' about my perfect life"
Do you think your DS might be envious and think you have it all?

[redshoeblueshoe]

She sounds vile. Your parents have already chosen her over you. Why don't you borrow £2k from them and then tell them to get the repayments from her.
You do know that £2k wouldn't pay for one term at a private school.
I assume she has no intention of moving out either, so I guess she expects to keep their house.
You really need a long talk with your parents.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

I'd tell her how you feel, although you may have to write the money off. DH lent his now ex-business partner £60 about 5 years ago, we've been so skint we've had to use food banks, DH mentioned to XBP that he still owed him £60 several times and just got blanked. We've written it off.

[LeafyLafae]

Your sister clearly has no concept of the value of money.
She is taking advantage of your parents and your good natures.
Someone needs to sit down with her (I suggest your parents) to show her how to do basic money management - she should be saving for her & her DDs future, deposit on her own house maybe, so she can stop bumming off your parents? Chances are they're feeling a degree of what you are (can't upset the apple cart, she's our daughter) but may not openly admit this first. If your sister doesn't sort herself out financially, what lessons is she teaching her DD?

[wowfudge]

Painful though it may be, I think you need to have the money conversation in person then back it up in an email if necessary. Don't just fire off an email to her. I would keep repeating 'I need that money back' and make it about your need, not her failure to keep her word.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Runlulurun- glad to be of service! . Wish i thought that clearly about my own stuff!

Your sister does soubd very much likr a golden child, with everyone tiptoing on eggshells around her. It sounds that the core belief lf everyone is your sister 'cannot and must not be upset by anything, regardless how reasonable others' requests are?? '. Sadly it seems your needs are pushed aside...

Does your sister KNOW it was your mat savings and that you had less time with your baby and had to return to work earlier as she hadnt repaid you??

[Theycallmemellowjello]

YANBU of course. But to be honest, your sister doesn't sound like a happy or successful person - terrible with money obviously, and still living with her parents after having a child of her own, insecure enough to post pictures of her purchases online... She sounds like she has major problems tbh. Frankly I'd forget about the money and be thankful you have a happy home life.

[IamtheDevilsAvocado]

Also it does strike me that she has no money for car repairs/holiday etc is very convenient.... As someone always bails her out at their own inconvenience /personal cost.... However, she can afford loads of shoes.... It doesn't really hang together does it?

I wonder that cooler feelings you perceive between you, is that she knows she owes you /dont approve of her borrowing from your parents. It may be another way that she is exercising power over everyone ... Illl be very sweet and sunny natured as lon as everyone bails me out... Otherwise I'll cause an unpleasant atmosphere....

[ApprenticeViper]

I know I am being spineless by the way - but she is my sister

This phrase from your posts stood out to me. Yes, she is your sister, and by default, you are hers. The difference is that she clearly doesn't give a shit about the sibling relationship, or is pretending to herself that she doesn't so she can get away with treating you like this.

I know it's hard, but try to detach yourself from the fact she is your sibling for the time it takes to send her the email/text that you are going to send her asking for your money back. What would you write if it was a friend, colleague or neighbour who owed you? You need to be equally as blunt with your sister as you would with any of them, and make her understand that you are serious about wanting this money back, and soon.

[Lashalicious]

It sounds like she's used to getting away with everyone doing things for her and paying for expenses and she's told herself that she doesn't have to pay it back because it's family and I wonder if your parents tell her she doesn't have to pay them back/that's she's welcome to stay at their house and that they're glad to pick up her DC, etc. and she assumes you feel the same. I'm just guessing. In her mind, she's not taking advantage.

I wouldn't write her, I would talk to her alone face to face, not in a confronting way, but say that you feel not as close, that you feel she is taking advantage of you a bit and see how that conversation goes. If she's willing to see your concerns and take action to pay you back, then I hope you can salvage your relationship with her and become close again. I think your parents see her as the needy one and they feel she needs the extra help as she doesn't have a partner to help.

It isn't fair, I know...it really depends on if your sister and your parents love you in the way that they will be willing to be open to your legitimate concerns. If your parents are bent on enabling her to the point of taking advantage of you without regret and if your sister refuses to be honest with herself, there's not much you can do. They will just get defensive and attack instead. It really depends on the situation and the people. There are some in my family that need extra care but they don't take advantage of others and they don't play power games and that makes all the difference. Good luck.