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To hate the way I look, and hate the fact I care?

(40 Posts)
feelrubbish2015 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:27:59

This is a hopelessly self-indulgent thread, and I will admit that from the start, so please, please don't be personally horrible even if you feel the need to give me a kick (kicks are fine by the way!) Oh, and I've name changed.

I can't say I've ever been hugely confident in how I look (who is) and I have always had things I wanted to change, but I've had an ongoing battle with my weight since having DC1 and whilst I've never gone absolutely hugely enormous, I have certainly been a lot bigger than I should have been - peaked at 12 and a half stone (am 5'3) but did manage to lose it all.

Two subsequent pregnancies and I'm fat again.

I know I can lose it. But part of me wonders what the point even is as I never look nice anyway. My hair used to be lovely. Long and thick and strong and fair. Now it's just messy. The more I spend on it, the worse it looks. My face is awful. Resting bitch face looks worse with puffed out cheeks and a double chin, and I've got spots and scarring and long pube-like hairs that grow sporadically from my NECK. I have thick eyebrows that knit together when I'm concentrating (the number of times I've given myself a shock when reading on a screen ...)

I just look scruffy and feel uncomfortable whatever I wear. I live in leggings and t-shirts.

I've got a horrible feeling I will embarrass my children through looking so scowly and frumpy and horrible. There are barely any photos of me with them as I hate how I look. Also, I don't know if anyone else has experienced this but I've got really, really sweaty lately. I barely used to sweat at all but I'm noticing a need to shower more than once a day - will put it that way! Obviously it's easily dealt with; I hate the fact I have to though.

I feel like I've almost got to the point where I can't imagine being any other way. The frustrating thing is my looks disguise who I am.

I've got no confidence at all.

I hate mirrors, cameras, clothes, makeup and cosmetics. And I used to love them.

Talk some sense into me. Please.

VacantExpression Wed 22-Jul-15 14:32:04

You could be me, right down to the sweating. Its horrendous. (I am taller than you but also heavier).

I have no answers OP but watching with interest.

cailindana Wed 22-Jul-15 14:36:12

Those children you have, you're their mother, far and away the most important person in their lives. One day you'll have to leave them and they will want go sit together and remember you. What will they look at if there are no photos? I can guarantee they won't be looking at your chin pubes or your leggings, they'll be looking at an adored face and remembering the happy days they had with you.
People love you. They love your face because it's your face, wobbly bits and all. You are alive and healthy. You are lucky. Don't squander this time wishing you were different. It won't last forever.

FortyCoats Wed 22-Jul-15 14:36:14

I could have written those exact words! I want to say "let's all sit and wait for some motivation to arrive on thread" but how about, we encourage each other?

It'd be lovely to have people who know exactly what you're feeling to have a chat with on the shit days and keep the goals alive.

FlowerBomber Wed 22-Jul-15 14:36:31

I wrote the following on a similar thread in Chat today. It seems broadly relevant to you.

Can you even take comfort from not being alone in the way you feel?

"I'm sorry you feel this way. I understand what a horrible place you are in and how difficult it is to drag yourself out of it.

Don't worry about how pretty you are at the moment (that doesn't really seem a great thing to say!). Your self image is poor and as you feel better about yourself you will start to believe you are more attractive. In the meantime take care of your face, wash & moisturise twice a day. Use a face pack each week. You don't need to use high end products. Put mascara, face powder and lipstick on every day, even if you are not really going anywhere. Also keep you hair clean and style it every day. Make these habits, you deserve to look good.

Next, don't make exercise a punishment. If you have space at home find some exercise dvds you fancy, there must be thousands available second hand on eBay, and begin to follow them, I've always fancied giving Zumba a go. If you don't mind jogging do that, but build it up steadily. Listen to music or an audio book to relieve any boredom. Don't underestimate the benefits of walking. Small daily changes like walking to the shops instead of driving can add up to miles a week.

I believe you can join WW online. It might be cheaper than a group, you have access to loads of resources, recipes and forums there. You can easily meal plan within your points allowance for the week and you record your measurements & weight for accountability. I've lost weight that way before and it helped me understand correct portion sizes and to make better choices after I stopped dieting.

I personally struggle with self control and have recently had a lot of success with a very low calorie diet using meal replacements combined with one small meal a day. I plan to continue my weight loss on the 5:2 diet, which I have tried before. Once you get the hang of it you really don't feel like you are dieting because most of the time you are eating normally (within limits!!)

I don't see why your family can't support your efforts to cut back on calories. Your DS and DH don't need crisps, biscuits, cakes they can just eat larger portions of healthy food to maintain their weight."

midnightvelvetPart2 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:38:39

It depends what you want to do about it really, do you want to accept the way you look & need help doing so or are you after advice to change how you look? Both are equally valid, which do you want? smile

I severely doubt you are that bad!

Candlefairy101 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:42:07

Hi OP I had a breakdown while pregnant about a year ago now, and couldn't even brush my teeth let alone make myself look half decent!

So I'm back in the swing now, pregnant and tired again but the only way I actually have time/enjoy grooming is when I'm watching the tele

So while watching the tele (once the children are in bed) i...
Eyebrows with a hand held mirror
Facial wipes and face masks
Put a good hair mask in (while hair dry as it will soak in better with dry hair than wet)

I have curly hair so without Maintenon I look like worsel gummage lol.
I also suffer with acne so keeping my face products next to my bed (tucked away nicely as I'm a clean freak) is the only way I can keep acne under control

I actually love my spa bedroom now and even invite my husband in for a hand massage as he's a builders and has extremely dry hands shock

Does this sound like something you would like and enjoy? In the morning I feel like I can take on the day more and put on some nice clothes because I've got the basics under control. X

SummerHouse Wed 22-Jul-15 14:43:58

Also on 5.2 but what really helps me is running. After being called soggy tits (yes, soggy) by an annoying boy I bought a proper expensive running bra and never looked back. I am now in for a marathon. When I started I could not run to the end of the road. Never, ever did I think I would be a runner. I am not much lighter and frequently less attractive (red faced and sweaty). But my mind is in a better more positive place when I run regularly. Also yoga! Good luck.

ThreeBeanRap Wed 22-Jul-15 14:53:41

Ok. Practical things you can do RIGHT NOW that will help.

Book an appointment at your local salon to get your eyebrows threaded/waxed. It's not expensive and is really easy to maintain once they've sorted it. If you feel like it and have money to spare, why not book a leg wax/bikini wax too, so you're all smooth and groomed?

Buy a good BB cream and foundation and that will help with how you feel your skin appears to look. As PP have said, wash and clean your face properly every night and try face and hair masks once a week.

Either book a haircut and get a proper chunk lopped off so it has a chance to get into good condition again, or wear your hair up for a bit. Mine is really dry at the moment and if it looks crap I put it up in a messy bun which is a) good for your skin as it keeps hair off your face and b) stops you stressing about it.

I have found the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred absolutely incredible for a quick result on the weight/shape front. It is hard work but it's quick to do each day and you really do notice a difference fast, which will spur you on to eat well and do more.

I know all of these things are superficial but you can book or do them right now and once you start feeling better on the outside hopefully it will give you the confidence to see you are a lovely person and lovely mum too.

Gottagetmoving Wed 22-Jul-15 14:54:37

Stop concentrating on what you look like and concentrate on how you feel.
You will be much happier with how you look if you get a more positive outlook.
Try to find an activity you enjoy whether it is doing a boot camp or a swimming group or just a walking group. If you get active doing something you can enjoy everything else will improve.
If you dwell on your looks you won't be motivated to do anything other than eat and get depressed.
Forget diets and weghing yourself,try to change to eating healthy foods.

You do have to make small changes that become bigger changes because at the moment you sound bogged down with how you look and when you feel fed up you are less likely to make positive changes.
You cannot change how you look overnight so make one change a day if you can.

feelrubbish2015 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:55:06

Ah, thank you for lovely replies and it does help to know I'm not alone!

Unfortunately, running is out of the question; I honestly cannot run the length of myself. I don't think this is linked to overall fitness as I can walk fast on an incline for ages, use the stepper and rowing machines - but RUN for any length of time - no.

Plus, it is bad for your knees.

I'm wearing a bra today, I often don't bother. I should, I know.

I just don't enjoy the grooming as I still look awful!

FriendofBill Wed 22-Jul-15 14:55:49

Is the problem how you look or how you feel?

When I'm ok inside everything is ok outside.
The stuff you are saying about yourself is toxic. Don't say it anymore.
It sounds like you may be depressed?
Exercise is a great mood booster, yes, try and get out, quicken the heart rate and go pink in the cheeks.
Take some deep concious breaths of fresh air.
Try not to eat crap.
Look at motivational speakers and self help books.
Give yourself a new mantra when the stinking thinking starts, look at ' queenisms ' for some good ones.

You can change!

feelrubbish2015 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:56:44

I do think though, one of the problems is that I'm doing a lot of these things and still look awful! Yes, I have my eyebrows threaded regularly believe me I have to and I still look heavy eyed and stern. My hair is highlighted and cut regularly. It still looks shit. You know? It might look less shit than if just left to its own devices but it still looks shit.

FriendofBill Wed 22-Jul-15 14:58:13

This one is a good starting place

ThreeBeanRap Wed 22-Jul-15 15:05:29

Is there any grooming you do enjoy or find relaxing but don't usually have time for?

I know it sounds stupid but I feel loads better if I have a long shower, exfoliate everywhere, shave, get out and smother myself in moisturiser, then put on clean pjs and go and trim, file and paint my fingers and toes. It's nice to feel lovely and clean and smell nice and have 'new' looking nails. It is maybe half an hour of effort but you notice an immediate difference.

I know this doesn't help with the underlying issues but small changes can help to feel like you're getting somewhere.

I would second the running - I know you say you can't and believe me, I was exactly like you in that I couldn't have run the length of myself without struggling, but I got the 5k runner app (it's yellow and black on the App store) and it really is amazing. The longest you have to run in one go is one minute, which sounds like a long time if you can't imagine running for 10 seconds but by the time you are out of breath you only have a tiny bit left to go, and once you get into the swing of it, running is great for just plugging your music in and getting out of the house and clearing your head. I will NEVER run a marathon but I can do 5 k with that app and that feels great.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 22-Jul-15 15:22:25

I think you - and everybody else who uses it - should immediately stop with the 'bitchy resting face'. You refer to it quite a bit and as 'stern' in subsequent posts. Stop. It's a stupid expression, always sounds stupid, and means nothing kind. You're dinning it into your head along with all the other negatives. It would be a good start to stop doing that.

Agree with the other posters who advocate small changes with something easy to do. The bigger changes follow.

Gottagetmoving Wed 22-Jul-15 15:41:19

Yes,..stop yourself every time you make a negative comment about yourself.
I know people who use positive affirmations. They repeat to themselves over and over ' I deserve to be loved' ' 'I deserve happiness' 'I am enjoying being healthy and happy' etc,..and any other positive comments they can think of.
It sounds silly but what you think does affect how you behave and how you feel.
Just do it whether you believe it or not. You have nothing to lose.

IceBeing Wed 22-Jul-15 16:35:11

YABU to hate the way you look. You aren't your are a whole person. Ignore anyone who judges you on your looks. Send a positive message to your kids that looks can go whistle coz content matters more.

YANBU to hate that you care....but you shouldn't hate yourself for caring. It isn't your fault you care - you have had it drummed into you since birth that you should care. You can't through of decades of conditioning.

YWNBU to want to change your weight if you feel it is making you unhealthy. Your health is certainly worth improving - maybe view it in terms of improving you health for the sake of your kids? Let them see that staying healthy is something you value?

IceBeing Wed 22-Jul-15 16:35:54

good grief: though of = throw off

Sazzle41 Wed 22-Jul-15 16:58:37

You sound overwhelmed, so small easy steps first. Maybe get eyebrows done at a different place and ask them to shape them more rather than just pluck stays (its quite cheap where i live). They should arch gradually and be at highest point above pupil of your eye and taper to thinner ends from there. Mine always go in straight lines in no shape so i use clear mascara and eyebrow comb to get the shape and the arch. Otherwise i look terrible!

Look into electrolysis or sugaring re the neck ones. Start some Vitamin B for your hair, my friend swears by it for thin hair, then condition with Aussi conditioners they are fab for poorly hair. Is it the cut that looks bad or the condition? Google hair styles to suit your face or ask friend's what they think.

Then start on the weight. I dont beat myself up any more re fluctuating weight. Even 'slebs' fluctuate, its life. Once you lose it you will get back your enthusiasm re clothes.

TheHouseOnBellSt Wed 22-Jul-15 17:03:46

OP it's hard isn't it. I am 43 and I used to be known for my good looks...not being a show off but I was beautiful...I modeled and acted and had loads of beautiful friends in London.

Now I have a skin disorder and am 2 stone overweight and living in Cheshire.

When my friends from London invite me to events, I'm too ashamed to go because I think that while they smile at me, inside they;ll be thinking "GOD she's lost her looks!"

Because I have.

While I can sort of deal with it...the other part of me misses the effect I used to have.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Wed 22-Jul-15 18:07:55

I know I can lose it. But part of me wonders what the point even is as I never look nice anyway.

After DC 3 I felt like that.

When packing for a house move I happened across some old photos of myself. I looked damn good. I had forgotten I could look like that. I kept a couple of the photos beside my bed, it reminded me that I could look like that with extra wrinkles again. Eventually I did look good and feel good again.

This "fat and ugly" phase is just that, a phase.

Lose the weight, apply the same levels of self-maintenance you did when you were a hottie, celebrate every improvement to your appearance and feelings. Soon you'll be back to your old self.

SummerHouse Wed 22-Jul-15 18:36:35

could not run the length of myself

This will make me chuckle all evening. Be kind to yourself. You sound very funny and real. You deserve more from yourself. I am prepared to cross out running but what about yoga?

MrsMook Wed 22-Jul-15 18:42:46

I'm one of those reformed ex-non-runners. Before DC2, even in school days I'd never managed to run more than a couple of minutes without a lot of pain from my shins and stitches. The C25k plan got me going, and I was in pretty poor condition following a prolonged bout of SPD. Any toning/ energetic exercise will give you a good physical and mental boost, but getting outside is particularly powerful.

After Dc1 I got more ruthless about clothes. Anything that didn't quite feel right was cleared out along with clothes that had done their service. New clothes had to be tried on and thought about critically. I pay more per item, but buy much less. And I feel better for it.

Eating for good nutrition (whether that is weightloss or not) will help your skin, hair and nails. Reduce the foods that make you feel heavy and bloated. Keep hydrated.

Simple things can give you a big boost.

ungratefulfecker Wed 22-Jul-15 18:44:46

Have a look at body coach ink{\]]p}? Not low calorie, whole healthy food diet (you can eat lots) and really detailed help - you get a personal coach to help you with any questions and people I know have had really amazing results with him.

You do a bit of HIIT interval training every morning, nothing unachievable, all exercises you can do in your own home with no equipment.

Emotionally, you seem really down. Have a hug.

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