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AIBU?

To ask how many people have truly ended a relationship because one party didn't pull their weight round the house?

31 replies

DoeEyedNear · 19/07/2015 18:27

So....Anyone? Or were there other issues too?

OP posts:

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Dynomite · 19/07/2015 19:17

I did. He was a twat. He expected me to cook, clean, he did almost nothing! He really thought he shouldn't have to do any housework. He was also intimidated by how much more money I made. Looking back, he was an arse. But at the time I didn't see the other stuff, the not doing anything is what frustrated me to no end. I kicked him out after 2 months of living together. He was stunned!

I have a dad who has always done his share of the housework, always spent time with me when I was little. So I guess I had a good role model. Current DP is wonderful btw!!!!

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BabyFeets · 19/07/2015 19:20

My mum did. She actually wanted to leave my dad when my sister was born but didn't want to split the family so wasted 14 years in an unhappy marriage.

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PoundingTheStreets · 19/07/2015 19:20

I have. The point is that if one party isn't pulling their weight around the house, it's symptomatic of an underlying lack of respect they have towards their partner - and that's a massive problem.

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ltk · 19/07/2015 19:20

I have a good friend who did. He was a waste of space.

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fastdaytears · 19/07/2015 19:23

Agree with Pouding it's not really the washing up- it's the fact that one party thinks the other party is their servant...

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Icrackedup · 19/07/2015 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poshfrock · 19/07/2015 19:44

I did. I was working full time (he was a SAHD) and doing all the housework and laundry in the evenings and all the child care at weekends because he "needed a break". I came home from the park with DS aged 2 one Saturday and the found the washing up still not done from the previous night and DH playing computer games in his dressing gown. I told him I was leaving there and then and never looked back.

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notquitehuman · 19/07/2015 19:53

It's never a stand alone issue. My ex started off as a charming, lovely guy who had 'old fashioned values' and expected me to do most of the housework. No problem, I thought, I earn less so I can do this stuff. However it soon escalated as he became more comfortable and he became an abusive shit. I know better nowadays and feel it's a giant red flag if a guy won't help out.

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swallowed · 19/07/2015 19:59

Partly, but it was indicative of a general "fuck you" attitude which had me running round like a blue arsed because he was too special to contribute.

I suppose the problem was that he was/is a wanker, and not helping around the house was just part of that.

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Ashwinder · 19/07/2015 20:04

It was a definite factor. But his refusal to pull his weight around the house and with the DCs was part and parcel of his utter disrespect and disregard for me.

Often, when one partner refuses to pull their weight it is indicative of deeper relationship problems.

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Ashwinder · 19/07/2015 20:05

Why do you ask OP?

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ouryve · 19/07/2015 20:08

Yes, but it was part of a whole host of manchild issues.

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Manic3mum · 19/07/2015 20:11

following with interest - I am currently debating this myself.

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Murfles · 19/07/2015 20:21

I did when my DD was a year old. I stupidly thought a child may change him, however, it was like having two children to look after. I literally did everything in the house while working full time (ok term time but full time between breaks). The morning he asked me why he didn't have clean boxers was the final straw. I walked out the door and never returned. The laughable thing was his mother phoned me three days later and told me I'd "failed as a wife".

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swallowed · 19/07/2015 20:29

Yes having a child with a man like this concentrates the mind wonderfully.

I found that a general lack of support became a complete withdrawal of support no matter how much I was struggling. Then you realise you're effectively single parenting. Then after a while they start to place demands on you, thus only adding to your burden and continuing not to help in any other way.

At that point you know it will only get worse, so you walk.

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CalmYourselfTubbs · 19/07/2015 20:39

it was a factor in me leaving.
i got tired of picking up after him - the lazy prick.

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Trumpity · 19/07/2015 20:42

Following too. Have looked up schools near where I would go to. Have moved mine and the children's passports. Plus their health books and birth certificates.

I love him but not sure how much more I can take.

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HelenF35 · 19/07/2015 20:44

I did. Felt more like his mother than his partner. He wasn't a nasty guy by any means but it was too much for me to make every decision etc.

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BertieBotts · 19/07/2015 20:48

I think it's more of a symptom TBH. There could be genuine reasons for not pitching in with housework - ill health or disability for example. Or the idea of the 1950s thing does work for some - it works when the respect is there on both sides and both are happy in that role and if it wasn't working they would change it.

When it's just one partner who can't be bothered because they know the other will do it, and/or they don't care about mess but have had ample chance to hear and understand the message that it makes their partner feel stressed/upset to see it and/or that it's unsafe and inappropriate for children to live in, and they still don't bother, then it's a lack of respect and care and taking responsibility for oneself as an adult. And that is deeply, deeply unsexy.

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angelicjen · 19/07/2015 20:48

I did. It wasn't even that minded doing all the housework, driving, shopping, cooking etc etc it was that it eventually broke my heart that he couldn't be bothered to consider that it would be nice if he helped. When I was grieving and he still did f all I knew I couldn't face a lifetime of it. The divorce was long and painful but so worth it.

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arethereanyleftatall · 19/07/2015 20:49

I guess it all depends why he doesn't do it....
If it's because he thinks you're beneath him and his servant, then good enough reason.
But if it's just cos he doesn't prioritise a clean house as much as you do, and us otherwise a nice guy, then it's not a good enough reason.

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BertieBotts · 19/07/2015 20:59

Not prioritising a clean house is a bit of an off the hook excuse, though. I mean yes you should never expect somebody else to do something the exact same way you do it. But he's not a single guy living alone where it would only be him who was affected. When you live with children you need to keep a certain standard of cleanliness just for hygiene and safety reasons, not doing so is irresponsible parenting, and when you live with another adult who you profess to love and care about, then it's a matter of respect to not make it a shit tip for them, as well.

Let's say for some unknown reason I didn't mind at all leaving used tampons and sanitary towels within plain view in the bathroom. It doesn't bother me, so why should I clean it up? But then DH moves in and he's really disgusted by it and finds them really distressing and horrible to look at. Should I say "Not my problem, he can clean them up if he doesn't like them!"? I don't think anybody would think that is fair. So for the same reason, just because somebody has lower standards themselves, when you choose to live with somebody you're also taking on the fact that you're living with them. That means you're half responsible for maintaining a living environment which is acceptable to both of you.

There is no such thing as a "good enough" (or not) reason to leave a relationship, BTW. Relationships aren't some kind of contract! I mean of course take time to try and work things out, because I don't think anybody likes the thought of ending a relationship, but don't stay waiting for an excuse to leave if you want to go.

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bigbumtheory · 19/07/2015 21:09

Yes, but I was stupid enough to stick around for all his sexist piggish stuff before which should have been a clue.

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DoeEyedNear · 19/07/2015 21:10

I've asked because it's him who does all the housework. We both work full time and I have the added complication of having a degenerative disability but help where I can (do bits of ironing, put the hoover round, clean the bathroom) however he's getting resentful of this and it's caused a massive blow out argument that he perceives me to be lazy. Which to be honest part of it has become 'ah he's going to do it' but a lot of it is I can't do it.

It's become a massive sticking point in our relationship now.

OP posts:

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PoundingTheStreets · 19/07/2015 21:22

I think if you have a disability preventing you from doing certain chores, that's a bit different from choosing not to do them. However, if you're capable of working full time and can vacuum/iron/do a bit of cleaning, then I can see why he might feel you're using your disability as a cover for being lazy. Rather than wait until the next time you row about it when emotions are running high, why not sit down and discuss it while you're both calm. If you decide on tasks you can do with your disability and take responsibility for them without being asked/reminded, that may make him feel less resentful even if you're doing less than he is.

Hope you sort it out.