I fear for DS future and I am afraid that I am not a person

[Livingtothefull]

Today I took my DS out for the day, I wanted him to have fun. He is 14 and in a wheelchair, has cerebral palsy and severe learning difficulties.

I walked across town to do an errand then took him to the restaurant of his choice. He asked for a 'train map' so I took him to the railway station to pick one up. Then I took him for lunch at a restaurant of his choice (DH wasn't feeling well & didn't come with us).

At the end of the meal DS managed to lose his train map. I don't know how, the waitress may have taken it away with the food leftovers or DS may have dropped it somewhere.

DS had a meltdown because he didn't have his map….swore at me a lot. Apparently and unbeknownst to me I am a 'stupid f--ing bitch'. This is after I have bent over backwards to give him a nice day.

I had to go to the bank afterwards which was open, to pay credit card bill. DS picked up piles of leaflets and threw them on the floor, also knocked over the displays and swore at the staff. There was an elderly woman customer there who was shocked, stared tightlipped at me.

I left bank and told DS I was disgusted at his behaviour and while he behaved in that way he would get nothing. DS lashed out at passers by calling them 'f--ing idiots' including small children. I had to dodge passers by whilst walking him home as I was scared of what he might say.

I managed to get him home and told DH what he had done. I told DH I didn't want to be with DS after the way he had behaved, and left DH to talk to him….DH told me to leave as he knew I had had enough. I came back shortly after and DH made DS apologise to me.

Later DH said that I should have talked to DS and tried to understand how he was feeling. I told DH that I understood the point he was trying to make, but I felt that DS should know how much he had upset me.

I now feel extremely guilty for reacting the way I did. DH is a teenager, he is growing up and it is not unusual for teenagers to lash out I believe? And he is stuck there in that wheelchair, is it any wonder he gets angry and lashes out the way he does?

Anyway I don't know why I am posting here. I am having a rant because I am sick of things being so hard. DS behaviour is bad, but it is so so understandable…but I need to find a way to get him to control it. I just can't have him swearing at passers by the way he does when he has a meltdown.

I also feel that I am not really a person. When I try to broach the subject of how hard it is to deal with DS and how potentially socially isolating it is, I can see people's eyes glaze over; they really don't want anything to do with any of this. I feel isolated from my own family because of this, nobody knows what to say to me. I don't blame anyone if eyebrows are raised at this, I am used to not fitting in anywhere.

[softcat]

Poor you, it sounds horrible! I have no advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say that you are a person!!!

[hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman]

My eyebrows are not raised. You coped admirably with a very testing situation and you are right, it is not unusual for teens to lash out. I don't think you reacted badly at all, DS probably was not in a place to listen to your explanations and I think it was sensible to get home and take some time out. He needs to know that he has upset you with his behaviour today.

[callamia]

Oh goodness, I know what you mean when you say you feel like you're not a person. I've said this so many times - you're a mum, a carer, but not a person in your own right. You ARE though, and you need to find people who recognise this. Do you know of any groups of parents with children with similar needs to your son? These are people that usually understand, and it's do hard to try and do what you are doing alone.

You're also quite right, teenagers can be revoltingly rude and cruel, and it's a new thing to have to get to grips with. I don't have much good advice about this, other than you sound like you're doing an incredible job already.

[resipsa]

That sounds hard, hard, hard. No useful advice but you most definitely are a (good) person.

[tinybellows]

That sounds like a difficult day and you are certainly entitled to a rant and offload.

You are a person, a valuable one. Most people haven't had similar experiences to you but on MN there are plenty of parents who will be able to empathise and understand. I hope they will be here soon to chat to you.

[AnyoneForTennis]

Aww don't be so hard on yourself!

There was an incident in the hairdressers (barbers) today where a young lady had brought her very disabled older brother in for a haircut. He was 'acting up' a bit for her. Was being loud and leaning in to the lady next to him seemingly for a cuddle! Everyone was unsure what to do/say, but the hairdresser seemed to know him and started singing loudly. This distracted him long enough, and everyone was smiling. It's ok. Most strangers do understand. My ds (7) was staring a bit, so it prompted a conversation with him about sn and people and how we are all different etc.

[Seriouslyffs]

You are a person.
What happened today sounds very very difficult and tbh, I think anyone seeing a teenage in a wheelchair with disabilities having a meltdown would having nothing but sympathy for both of you.
As for the glazing over I think anyone not in your situation would feel a mixture of fear of saying the wrong thing and not wanting to offer platitudes. It is tough and you are isolated, and people want to fix stuff. Are there support groups locally to you? Is there a parents association at your son's school.
You sound like a lovely Mum.

[Samcro]

oh yes it is so bloody hard, it is worse when your child is past the "cute" stage and people are so less understanding,its so hard cos you know your "child' doesn't get it. I wish I could offer you support(mine is 20 some thing)

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Bless you and bless him.
He is a teenager and in a wheelchair and prob gets very frustrated with being different to other teens his age and less in control. Doesn't excuse his behaviour but I'm sure many have had similar moments with teens and been driven to distraction

[lordStrange]

You are so so a person!! What a horrible afternoon for you. I really hope you have time outside of the family to be your own actual self.

[Seriouslyffs]

Unanimous cross posting Living
I think we were all posting at the same time!

[SallyMcgally]

You're an amazing person. You sound like you're doing a fabulous job with your boy, even if it doesn't feel like that to you today. And agree with others who say that others will have felt sorry things were so hard for you today. It is isolating, having to deal with difficulties that others can only guess at. I'm so sorry you had a really shit day. If you were my neighbour I'd want to give you a big hug and a glass of something fizzy. Here are some instead xxx

[goshdarnit]

I hope you have managed to have a relaxing evening.
Well done this afternoon, it sounds like you dealt with a stressful situation in an appropriate way. Teenagers can be so and so's, but they need boundaries, in much the same way that toddlers do.
I used to work in a unit for teenagers with brain injuries, the comment that passed my lips most often was; 'that is not appropriate' although it got wearing, letting tbose young people know where their boundaries were, enabled them to grow in a more settled manner.
for you. Keep on keeping on!

[SavoyCabbage]

You poor thing. I wanted you to know I often feel like I'm not a person too. You aren't alone there! For me, I feel like my life is being driven by the other people in it and that I can't do anything to stop it. Or change it I suppose it is more than stop it.

Whatever you do, somebody will be looking at you for some reason. Maybe having a good old judge of you of course but not always. I think if I had seen you today I would gave looked at you wondering if you were ok.

It's hard not to worry about it but every one has been in a situation like that. I once had a small crowd gather around dd and I when she was having a tantrum and she wouldn't come with me. Someone asked her if she knew me as they thought she was being kidnapped!

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you all so much, your support mean I do try to do the best for my dear boy but on days like to day it feels like it is all for nothing. Today was a bad day, I suppose that there will be better ones.

I have already had far too much fizzy this evening, thanks. And what is more I have had brandy too. This is another reason why I am teetering dangerously into 'bad human being' territory.

[Livingtothefull]

I meant to say that your support means a lot.

[Hairylegs007]

Well done OP I think you did really well in a stressful situation. It isn't ok for your son to behave badly towards others and i think you were right to pull him up on it. Can you work out some strategies - like going home straight away

[JeanSeberg]

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you Living.

[Viviennemary]

You've had a really rough day but you've come through it. Put it behind you and don't worry about it any more. I think you're doing an amazing job as a Mum.

[Livingtothefull]

Yes Hairylegs I need to have a strategy. Maybe by pulling him into a side road and trying to get him to talk about how he is feeling (as DH recommends) but I also need him to know that it is not acceptable for him to swear at anyone esp small children.

Yes I am so used to raised eyebrows in RL, to cut a long story short my own DFamily do not want to be around DS any more than they have to. Opportunities to meet up/ spend time with him are declined. I have tried to talk to them about the issues I face and am met with raised eyebrows, an embarrassed silence, hasty changes of subject.

[Amber76]

Your son sounds like he is really angry. Are there any suitable outlets for him? Could he meet a counsellor to talk through how he is feeling? Does he have friends? Is there anything he is interested in?

You say you don't feel like a person.... I wonder if your son feels this about himself too?

I'm sorry for how frustrating and awful this must be for you.

[Hairylegs007]

Do you get any quality time alone?

[Hairylegs007]

Does he need an outlet for his frustrations?

[NYCwannabe]

I'm so sorry, this sounds like a very tough day.

You ARE a person, a valid wonderful person. I hope you both have a better day tomorrow.